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Well, here I am...this is what
I've become: a pariah, banished from the world of blogger and prohibited from
my blog Bi Like Me of almost 5 years for over a week.What did I do wrong?Apparently, being a sexual "gay" blog probably doesn't have
anything to do with my removal. I'll give Google the benefit of the doubt on this case,
despite those that say otherwise (Google
Closes Gay Blogs). I can't
believe that Google has decided to cast aside Constitutional rights and free
speech in a concerted and planned effort to rid the world of gay blogs. More
likely, I was a victim of less than adequate computer software. According to
"The disabling is a
result of our automated classification system marking it as spam. Because this system is automated
there will necessarily be some false positives, thoughwe're continually working on improving our algorithms
to avoid these. If your blog is not a spam
blog, then it was one of the false positives, and we apologize."
got an apology from blogger, and while I may not be happy, I'm not angry
encourage those that followed me who have blogs of their own to post this on
their blog too as a way of me reaching out to all my readers, some of whom have already given up on my return. You guys, for a very long time, were my
emotional lifeblood..and were there for me when I needed you most.
years in blog terms is a lifetime. You've all read blogs that are here one day,
gather steam..take off, and suddenly, disappear. I was different. I started my
blog at a turning point in my life: a recent breakup with Ross, and as a result
of a changing economy that saw my work, and salary, shrink.I needed to vent, and being a closeted,
married, bisexual, I found blogger.
In the beginning, I
reached out to others for technical help. Other bloggers assisted me with the questions I had, but ultimately, I
researched online and learned the html language required to make the blog. I
began my blog with an introduction and followed with some pre-Ross stories..a
history, of sorts, of my sexual exploits in college. The first time I was with
a man, the parties, the internet. The meetings and relationships that molded my
sexual being. Then, I met Ross. That was clearly different.
Ross, I felt "normal" for once. There was the freedom of being
together, the fun, sex and confidence we had in one another, able to share the
feelings of being closeted.I explained on
the blog how that relationship grew, and ultimately fizzled out. I remember
those days writing in my quiet office. Days when my phone never rang, money
wasn't coming in, and yet, I was busy all day working - on the blog.
learned how to enhance the blog, with other links, information, advertisements,
and how those links and ads could bring even more readers to Bi Like Me. I looked forward to reading
other blogs, commenting on those blogs and found more and more visitors to my
blog, and more and more commenters. My blog went from an unknown to a known,
visited by up to 8,000 readers a day, and that was encouraging, inspiring, and
at the same time, burdensome. I felt a responsibility to my readers. A responsibility
to blog every day, a desire to improve, and a need to reveal even more.
spoke about my relationship with my wife and my feelings toward her, my family
and the like. That was cathartic personally, allowing me to express the
questions and concerns I had about my marriage. But, it also incited strong
feelings from others: from women, who were, up to that point, an unknown and hidden consumer of
the blog, and some men, who despised the fact that I was unfaithful to my
marriage vows. I never did understand that: here I was, being honest, opening my
heart, displaying my guts to the world of blogger, and the readers lashed back
at me. Yet, they continued to read and my readership
remember when I knew that I had "made it" in terms of my blog. I had
received an email from someone who was very gracious and complimentary about
the blog. Then he mentioned that he and his friends looked forward and talked every
day about what I wrote. Imagine that people actually talked about my blog!"Did you see American Idol this week? Can you believe Charlie's off Two and a Half Men?Did you read Bi Like Me today?" I was now water cooler fodder and that was
continued the journey of my life online, post-Ross.The heart-ache, and the sexual exploits. The
many, many sexual exploits. The good, the bad and the ugly. There were many hot
times, and I shared them with you.
But, over the years,
my work life required more of my time. I also started to get
burned out with the blog. Writing wasn't priority anymore and I decided, I wanted more for
the blog. I brought in Frat Star, a
young, hot, brash young man. He wrote of some great encounters, and a
perspective that I could never, because of my advanced age, relate to or reveal. His Friday
writings were insightful, intelligent and very popular. But, his time, also,
became strained as he graduated college and entered the workforce full time.
recently, I brought on Tittie Tuesday: a new perspective of a woman to the blog.
Initially, her female point of view was a nice respite to the trashy, everyday
blog world of Bi Like Me. Lately, she
revealed something I had long known: she too had
marriage issues, and had toyed with the possibility of adultery. I guess I am not alone.
Fridays, I recently featured a very good writer from Jay Crosses the Line.He was just beginning to get his feet wet on
my blog, yet I think he was received well and positively added to the community
of the blog.Like you, I looked forward
to his entries weekly.
were finally getting into place at the blog. A place that I had worked hard at
establishing, transitioned into a "maintenance phase" where I didn't
need to be the focus anymore. It's where I had envisioned things going: a
community outreach for those needing a voice and needing to be heard.
had temporarily derailed that voice. Then I had come to a decision: I was not going to blog anymore, even if the blog was reinstated. Then - suddenly - minutes after I had emails Girl Tuesday and Jay, my blog appeared again. But my decision has not changed.
Again, I'm not angry. I'm ready to move on, really,
need to move on.There was another time
I mistakenly got removed by blogger. I came back, and it was a lot of
work, reestablishing myself. I no longer have that strength or desire. But, I
did say in a post after that first time that I wouldn't just disappear without
some sort of "death-bed goodbye" - and well, I suppose, this is it.
here's the latest on me:
Ross: Ross and I have
been in contact. We have a special relationship..one that probably won't change
ever.Despite him being half my age, I
consider him a great confidant and good friend. A few months ago, we met again
for dinner. Had our usual conversation, ended up getting smashed, and kneeing
each other under the table. We ended up taking things back to my office close
by, so I could show him my new phone system (nice idea, right?). We ended up
making out, getting naked, and having sex in the conference room.
that something was usual about that night and I guess time has distanced me
from the relationship. In the days after that night, Ross had texted me..often
and initiated it. Rather than me being all crazy in love - I didn't
have that usual spark/frenzy anymore.I mean,
I enjoyed my time with him, but, I wasn't crazed anymore. We will continue to
be good friends..and maybe have that occasion fuck around session..but I think
the days of a relationship with him are over.
My marriage: I think my
marriage is no different than any other. We go through good times and bad.I think I'm also "bi" in another
way: "bi-polar". I think I've always been that way. I can love you or
hate you and that's how things are in my marriage. Sometimes, things can be
great - for days, for weeks..we bond together (although there's still no sex)
and have successful, healthy, children that achieve and prosper. Then, there
are days, or a week where I could kill her (so to speak).
of that has to do with my wife's fantasy: she thinks a guy is going to chat all day about everything: current events, the kids, ad nauseam.I asked her one day, after a particular rough
relationship week: "Who do you speak to and chat with all the time?"
She responded with the list of familiar girls that are her close friends. I
then told her that all those people have one thing in common: they're girls.
I'm not a girl. No guy wants to come home after a long day at work and discuss
"how they feel" orare ready
to engage in an in-depth discussion of what carpet will look better in the
great room. Guys just don't want to do that, I explained to her.You can't expect me to spend hours talking
about trivial things that I'm just not interested in, where a simple yes or no
she told me something telling..something that made me feel both happy and
guilty at the same time.
know, you're difficult, selfish and surly sometimes" she said.
are you." I said. "But, if I'm so difficult...why are you still here?
" I asked.
I love you." she said.
guess I'm not half bad after all (or maybe I am half-bad)l. Yes, I lie, I cheat...but, I am a good
provider, a great father and ultimately, reliable and available partner - and I am loved. That should say something about me. Yes, we all
have issues. Every marriage has issues. You take the good with the
bad...and until the bad outweighs the good, you stick with it. The scales have
not tipped that balance for me or her.
don't plan on leaving my wife. Most probably, my sexual relationships with
others won't change either.It's how
I've lived my life for 20 years. The clandestine nature of those trysts protect
both myself and my family and allows us to continue our marriage, in a
seemingly "normal" way. After all, a marriage is much more than sex:
it's knowing you have the same values, can rely on each other, can rear your
children in a successful way. It's knowing, when the times get tough, when
things are at their worst, when the cards are down-that
someone has your back.
will say (and have said) that I want my cake and eat it too. Maybe they are
right. I think they are jealous. I've found a way to have a family, be
successful and be relatively happy. Most don't have half what I have in their lives.
guess I've gone on long enough - with the blog Bi Like Me and this post.Things have a way of changing, yet really, ultimately staying the same. I'll
miss sharing my stories with my readers..I know lots of you have relied on my
blog as camaraderie for married/bi/confused/cheating guys. Nobody can ever
define what's right for you..nobody can say that something is wrong, unless
they've walked in your shoes. Everybody is different.
a good place. I damn near went crazy looking around for a different place. I
thought that place may have been with another guy..permanently. Often thought
that once the kids were grown, I'd be out of my marriage. But, I don't think so
anymore. I want to be with my wife. I want to have the familial setting..I have
the white picket fence and I'm not looking to change that anymore. People
search a life-time for what I have.
Hey Guys! Hope you've enjoyed the changes and new writers at Bi
Like Me. I certainly love the new additions and opinions! Please let others
know about this blog, so we can spread the word! Vote here: Bestmaleblogs and give us a
Perfect..things were just great. I was very happy and seemingly..so was John. We've been texting all weekend - he keeps saying such sweet things- "miss you", "can't wait to see you", "want to kiss you".
Then..Monday morning, I get to work. More of the same. I hit an appointment, get back to my office and say text him something..something like "wish we could see each other now" and "you live too far!"
"I don't know that this is going to work for you." he says.
S C R E E C H !
"You what?Why would you say that?" I ask.
"I just don't know..you're able to meet days..I'm not really available days. It may not work." he responds.
"May not work? God..didn't know you were throwing in the towel so quickly." I say.
"I'm not..just think it may not work."
Should I have continued to play hard to get? I thought we were past that. He has, over the past week, been so forward in how into this he was..what happened? Why did his feelings suddenly change..just because I said I wanted to see him? Because I expressed the same feelings he expressed?
About 10 minutes later..I text him:
"I really can't believe you said that."
"OK" he responds.
OK? Jeez..this is going downhill fast.
"OK. I'm gonna run..if you want text me later." I write.
"You know I will" he says.
Despite my determination and progress, it wasn't until a couple of weeks after The First Move that I finally got to have my first time with a man. I had written several posts about my deliberations, my attempts, and my failures. I remember one or two readers commented something like, "Come on, just do it already!". And I mirrored their sentiments, I was beyond anxious to finally do what I had set out to do. But, as you can imagine, I was a bit scared as well.
With all the planning and thought that went into it, I was surprised by how spontaneous my first time actually was. I had thought about it for years. I spent more time than I am willing to admit planning and debating over the last few weeks and months. I had made several attempts, but failed each time to follow through. Then one morning in July, I received a text asking when was I going to come over, and I realized then and there that the only way to make this happen was to just do it. Don't worry if everything is planned out right, just do it.
I responded to the text with "When do you want me?". This was a guy that I had been texting with for a week or so. I first found him on Grindr. I knew he was a bit older than me. I didn't know a whole lot about what he looked like, but I didn't care. All I cared about was playing with his dick, and him playing with mine. His response back was "Now!".
Now didn't work. But I wasn't going to let this sudden burst of courage go, so I suggested lunch time. At first, I don't think he believed me. Then he happily agreed. My heart started pounding, and it didn't stop until later that afternoon.
The whole experience, and the sex, had such an impact on me that it took 4 long blog posts to describe it even somewhat accurately. I had to write about my fear. My fear when I was driving over was so great that I had to circle the block several times before finally parking in front of his house. My fear when I was walking around the side of his house was so great that I was panicked this was all a hoax, or that I was at the wrong house and was about to get arrested for trespassing. I even, for a moment, thought about those "To Catch a Predator" shows, where a guy gets ambushed as he walks through the door. I knew I wasn't a predator, but the fear of anything remotely like that happening was almost overwhelming, almost.
When I reached out my hand to grab the handle of sliding glass door in the back of the house, I know longer felt in control of my own actions. I was in this surreal mode, where I was hovering just outside myself, watching my actions, hearing what was going on, but from a 3rd person perspective. I opened the door, still couldn't see inside because the blinds were drawn, but heard my name being called out.
I wrote 4 long posts about the experience, my fear going into it. How that fear melted away once I saw his cock. How his cock felt in my hand, it was the first time I had touched another man's cock. How his cock smelled, how it tasted, how it felt sliding across my tongue. This was almost two years ago, but just thinking about it now has me horned up and rearing to go. I wrote about my attempts to deep throat him, and how I discovered my own gag reflex. His cock was thick and long, hot to the touch, and like a steel rod covered in soft silk. It curved upwards, so I didn't slide down my throat the way I had imagined. I also learned that I needed a lot of practice giving head, I had no where near the stamina it takes to do it properly. I kept having to resort to using my hands.
I also wrote about having his mouth envelop my cock. That was not my first blow job, but it was the first from a man. Everything I had heard about men doing it better than women was proven in the first few moments. He expertly brought me to orgasm, let me come in his mouth, and sent electric shocks throughout my body when he didn't pull off right away. Even today, I am still not at his level in giving blow jobs. Now that I had passed this threshold, that I had "crossed the line", I knew that I was going to get plenty of practice in the future.
OK, here I am..putting my two cents in.I usually don't comment on
others posts..but on this occasion - I had to. But first, I thank Girl Tuesday for writing something so personal on here. This is why I asked her to write..and it took a long time..but, I'm glad she's been so honest and revealing.
You see, many, many years ago, my marriage went through a
change. The sex became less frequent, and even when we did have sex, my wife
was less than enthusiastic. Yea, yea, there will be those of you that may say I
was a bad lover, but, I don't ever remember a time that my wife didn't have an
orgasm - I always made sure to please her before I got my rocks off. I was that type of lover..unselfish..willing
to please and even experiment. But, once we got married she never was - never
willing, never pleasing, and never, ever experimental. Lay there like a lox..step 1, step
2, done. Oral? please..that went out on our wedding day.
It's been years (probably 5) since we've actually had sex. I
stopped asking for sex after all this pent up sexual frustration and finally, when I met Ross.Often, I'd worry that if I had sex with Ross on one afternoon, that
if at night my wife initiated sex, I wouldn't be able to perform. She never
initiated and I was having as much sex as I wanted anyway - with someone who I
enjoyed being with and enjoyed being with me.
Years later, yea, probably about 2 or more years after we
stopped having sex, my wife finally said something. "How come we don't
have sex anymore?" "I'm here..you know where I live." was my
answer. In short..you want to have sex? Come at me.She never came.
My advice to my Girl Tuesday is: don't let it happen. I
don't think your husband is gay (that would be quite the coincidence). I think
he's either having medical issues or just doesn't realize how important sex is
to you.You need to let him know...that
it's important..and that having sex with him is what you want and need. That you're willing to work through whatever sexual issues there may be with him.
If the two of you aren't fucking by the afternoon...then you can't
So, here's the thing. I've thought about this a lot. I mean, really a lot. For over the last 3 years. Why doesn't he want to have sex? Is he afraid that the same thing will happen again? Isn't he about to bust a nut by holding back? Maybe he's not holding back? I mean, maybe he's beating off every day. I kinda hope he is! I mean, doesn't he feel horny? I certainly do! I've been wearing out the batteries on Pinky, believe me.
Ok, I hear you - why don't I ask him what's wrong? This is a really hard question. We have gone away on trips, and in the packing, I have said , "Babe, check out this ( I hold up a very sexy lingerie ) that's going with us". And he'll say something like "Sweet. I can't wait to see you in that before I fuck you hard". We giggle. I like to talk like that. I think it's sexy and fun. But then, we'll go on the trip, I'll even wear the lingerie, and he'll be too tired, or have some excuse not to bang me. I will come up behind him in a chair, and rub his back, nuzzle his neck, and he'll eventually tell me to stop cuz he's trying to type or whatever. So, I stopped doing that.
I've tried to initiate it in bed, and he'll tell me he was just about to fall asleep, or that he's just too tired. So, I've stopped asking. I've stopped hinting. I've kinda been in a why bother mode for quite a while now.
In this way, if I find myself with the opportunity to mess around with some hottie, then I feel justified. Just because he doesn't want sex, doesn't mean that I should have to do without also, does it? Thank God for Pinky - if I didn't have my vibrator, I'd really be a mess! I use it just about every day, and lately I've managed to get it in twice in one day a couple times. I feel that sex is a natural thing everyone does. So why should I abstain just because he doesn't want to? I don't want us to separate, no, not at all. But I will be a more content and happy person to be around if I have sex.
So, again, I'm not looking for advice on what to do in my marriage - I'm just telling you what I'm doing right now. And what I may do in the future.
Hey Guys! Hope you've enjoyed the changes and new writers at Bi Like Me. I certainly love the new additions and opinions! Please let others know about this blog, so we can spread the word! Vote here: Bestmaleblogs and give us a 5! ****
John and I chat when I get back to my office for the next 3 hours. Time flies..it's fun..funny..real nice. At the end of the day, I text John my number - a big reveal on my part.
That night..John and I text for a little while. He's really cute. Wants to do dinner one day. Invited me over next week to spend a day or two (not nights) together. He says cute things..he's like..like I had before ...like I want. Like I've been searching for.
At the end of the night I say I'll talk to you tomorrow.
"OK. I'll text you when I wake up?"
"See? That's cute. I like that..'text me in the morning when you wake up!' Absolutely!" I say.
The next day, I wake up..hit the gym as usual. When I get out of the gym, there's a text from John. But..it's a video text. It's him..his face..obviously in bed. Saying "Good morning."
Now...I don't know. All was good. Seemed right. We chat on the phone after I get on the road to work and chat all morning that day. But..a video?
What's wrong with this picture?
Emails..he's very "expressive" in them..saying how happy he is to hear from me..after we speak on the phone he tells me how glad he is to hear from me...and how he's looking forward to seeming me..or wants to see me.
The next day, we meet at a park during lunch and sit and just talk in my car. I pull into the lot and wave him into my car. He jumps in and lands a kiss right on my mouth. Good right?! Well..I don't have tints on my windows..I don't know who's around. Hey..I'm a married guy..yea..I mess around with guys..but, I'm totally discreet..totally careful. This guyis getting married - in a month! He has no problem gushing over me, telling me how excited he is to see me..sending me videos..! What is going on here?
We sit and talk. He has always been very dismissive when talking about his upcoming nuptials, but I understand...you have to be somewhat discreet. But..it all just doesn't jive.
"Listen, I know you don't like talking about it..but..it's part of my life. I'm married..if I can't share that part of me with you..you know..how it is that we feel..the guilt, the stress of leading a double life it doesn't make sense. I need to share this stuff with someone..that's part of the relationship I'm looking for. What I don't get is..you're getting married...and you have no problem doing this..the guilt..the commitment."
"That's me" he says. "Guess it's my personality"
"Well, maybe you're right..cause I guess I don't know you very well yet."
A little while later our hour and a half is up..and he extends his hand to shake it goodbye..and my hand ends up in his..and he holds it.
I remember the day I made The Decision well, it was also the day I decided to start my own blog. I thought, "Hey, this is really brave of me, what I've decided to do, I need to tell somebody!" But even though I made The Decision, it was still some time before I actually acted.
I was chatting up a guy, I think on Grindr, with whom I was starting to feel pretty comfortable. He and I texted back and forth real late one night. I was in bed, with my wife sleeping beside me. I think he was in bed too, with his man sleeping right beside him. Maybe his man wasn't asleep, I'm not sure. Anyways, the texting was a mix of sexting, and serious conversation. During the conversation he mentioned that he and his man liked to have threesomes sometimes. Then, after some flirtatious messages, he told me that he and his man would love to have me over.
Flash forward to a couple of days later, I'm sitting at work, bored, in a cubicle with not much to do. Things were not going well at work, but that is an entirely different story. All I need to say is that the company was struggling, and it had absolutely nothing to do with my performance. It did, however, give me lots of free time with very little supervision. Anyways, I am sitting in my cube, thinking about dick, because, really, what else is there to think about? And it hit me, I can have my first man on man experience be a threesome! How great is that?!? In a threesome, there would be less pressure on me. Because, worse case scenario, I could sit back and watch. And, oh man, how I would just love to sit back and watch two guys get it on with each other! I already had an offer, the guy told me that he and his man wanted me over. So, time to use these newly grown balls I had and make something happen.
I texted the guy, "Hey, what do you think about me coming over after work?".
The guy takes his time to respond, but at first his response was positive. "Really? What do you want to do?"
Uh... Now that really put me on the spot. It was one thing to get up the guts, it's a whole new things to actually write out what I want! I can't remember exactly what I said, but I was able to express that I was looking to get into bed with both of them, without clothes, and I tried my best not to be coy. (Remember that I am naturally shy.)
"Cool, let me go ask 'soandso'", he answers.
I wait, then I wait a little more. I wait a half hour, a full hour, all day. It was actually only a few minutes, but it felt much much longer. My heart is pounding so loudly that I can't really hear what is going on in the office.
"Soandso says that he is not in the mood." What the.... "He says that he really wants to get fucked."
Apparently, whatever I said, I said it in a way that gave him the impression I was not willing to stick my dick in an ass. Seriously, I was like.... I don't even know.
This interaction became the subject of my very first blog post. I simply could not except that I had finally did something more than just think about doing something, only to get shut down. I tried, in vain, to get something going with two other guys that I was chatting up pretty regularly, but nothing.
In hindsight, all of this was good for me. I proved to myself that I could take that next step, which gave me the courage to finally take it. (Admittedly it took longer than some of my readers liked) I proved to myself that I was not a chicken. I was fully committed to driving over to their house, and jumping into bed with not one, but two men, one of whom I'd never even chatted with. But I was glad that it didn't happen. I think my actual first time experience was exactly what I needed. And, I have yet to stick my dick in an ass.
After all this time, I've decided to be discriminating on who I list in my blog roll. So, there are obviously some definite "no-no's": blogs that post or promote under-aged or illegal activities and those that I find repulsive. Blogs that are clearly "advertisements" or have pop-ups will also be deleted.
Also, I'm trying to keep the more active, established blogs and also those that generate some sort of traffic volume or even those that are great reads. If you're one of these, please send me an email to swap blogs.
Otherwise, those that do not post on a regular basis will find that they may be removed without notice. If you're not dedicated to your blog and readers, why should I be dedicated to you?
All that being said, I have no problem with you adding me to your blog roll. Hey, you never know..maybe I'll see some uptick in traffic and add you myself!