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Tittie Tuesday: More Behind the Curtain
So, here's the thing. I've thought about this a lot. I mean, really a lot. For over the last 3 years. Why doesn't he want to have sex? Is he afraid that the same thing will happen again? Isn't he about to bust a nut by holding back? Maybe he's not holding back? I mean, maybe he's beating off every day. I kinda hope he is! I mean, doesn't he feel horny? I certainly do! I've been wearing out the batteries on Pinky, believe me.
Ok, I hear you - why don't I ask him what's wrong? This is a really hard question. We have gone away on trips, and in the packing, I have said , "Babe, check out this ( I hold up a very sexy lingerie ) that's going with us". And he'll say something like "Sweet. I can't wait to see you in that before I fuck you hard". We giggle. I like to talk like that. I think it's sexy and fun. But then, we'll go on the trip, I'll even wear the lingerie, and he'll be too tired, or have some excuse not to bang me. I will come up behind him in a chair, and rub his back, nuzzle his neck, and he'll eventually tell me to stop cuz he's trying to type or whatever. So, I stopped doing that.
I've tried to initiate it in bed, and he'll tell me he was just about to fall asleep, or that he's just too tired. So, I've stopped asking. I've stopped hinting. I've kinda been in a why bother mode for quite a while now.
In this way, if I find myself with the opportunity to mess around with some hottie, then I feel justified. Just because he doesn't want sex, doesn't mean that I should have to do without also, does it? Thank God for Pinky - if I didn't have my vibrator, I'd really be a mess! I use it just about every day, and lately I've managed to get it in twice in one day a couple times. I feel that sex is a natural thing everyone does. So why should I abstain just because he doesn't want to? I don't want us to separate, no, not at all. But I will be a more content and happy person to be around if I have sex.
So, again, I'm not looking for advice on what to do in my marriage - I'm just telling you what I'm doing right now. And what I may do in the future.
13 comments:
No advice, just the facts. Your man is gay or he has serious a hormone problem.
Take it from a bi-man: When I want some man to man fun, I have the same response to my wife. Of course, she doesn't go to the gym and keep in shape like you.
A simple blood test can check his T levels. If he has low T, he needs to take same. Otherwise his long term health will suffer - not to mention his marriage. Don't let him of the hook - have him check his T-levels. If they are normal, you'll know. Then you can talk to him about his sexuality.
We are used to hearing the other side of this story, that the wife is not interested in having sex, so the guy finds sex outside with someone else. Timing is important, I think guys like mornings and women like evenings, so vacations should be good, away from work and schedules. Cuddle him on vacation, it will happen, I hope.
No advice, just the facts. Your man is gay or he has serious a hormone problem.
Take it from a bi-man: When I want some man to man fun, I have the same response to my wife. Of course, she doesn't go to the gym and keep in shape like you.
A simple blood test can check his T levels. If he has low T, he needs to take same. Otherwise his long term health will suffer - not to mention his marriage. Don't let him of the hook - have him check his T-levels. If they are normal, you'll know. Then you can talk to him about his sexuality.
Just as WillBeBi mentioned, I act the same way around my wife when I've got "other fun" on my mind. But I am not saying that your Hubby is the same. I don't know how you can deal with it. I would have demanded sex by now, no way I could last three years without. My wife won't let me go more than a few days without saying something. And if the dry spell lasts any longer than that, she starts making demands that I know better than to disobey.
It takes commitment and devotion to be as understanding as you have been. I wonder, though, is there a breaking point?
You've every right to jump some hot dude's bone if the opportunity presents itself. As I discussed with my wife years ago (she knows I'm bi - knew before we got married) people are responsible for their own sexual satisfaction. She doesn't expect me to make her cum and I don't expect her to make me cum. But we are both entitled to it. Attitudes regarding sex have changed drastically over the past 15 years.
Yes, there could be a myriad of things going on with your husband causing him to avoid sex. One important thing which gets overlooked in physical cause is Thyroid.
Whether he's jerking off or not is beside the point. Without mentioning sex, urge him to go for a complete physical examination. If he's got even a "fairly decent" doctor, he'll be asked if he's able to get a solid hard-on and about his sexual well-being.
Keep the pressure off him and, in the meantime, if some hunk wants to bang your brains out let him...just do it safely.
Yea, Jay, I wonder if the breaking point will be me fucking another guy. I def think I'm ready for that. Like I said, so much time has gone by... I should not have let that happen, but what can I do now? Neither of us spoke about it, and now so much time has gone by, it feels really weird. Very weird. I kinda fucked things up, I know. but hey, he has a mouth, too. Why doesn't he say something to me?
I have a relatively low attraction to women, but let me tell you, sex while on vacation is mandatory.
You already know that something is SERIOUSLY amiss - you've lived with it for three years. The question is: how many more years are going to pass you by before you do something about it?
This problem is not going to suddenly disappear.
Your posting today along with your posting last week has I'm certain been no easy thing to do. To 'crack open' the very personal door to your marriage like you have shows a remarkable amount of courage on your part. It gives a much better understanding of where you are at in your personal life and sheds light on what motivates/drives you in life.
Your postings also struck home to me...a bi married man....hearing your viewpoint as a woman in a sexless marriage. I first read your post today while on lunch break at work and didn't have time then to comment. Ever since reading it....I haven't been able to get it off if my mind (the woman's viewpoint).
I truly hope the best for you. I am certainly in no position to offer any advice. Just want to thank you for sharing and let you know you have made me think about a great deal of things.
Tim from MO
There are some good comments here. Like Anon. 9:49 said, if he's always too tired in the evening to get it on, try giving him some affection in the morning when he has his morning wood in place. (Or if he doesn't have spontaneous erections like that, then there undoubtedly IS an organic cause to the problem, possible resolved with Viagra / Cialis, etc.)
Whatever it is, I think it will be a lot easier to deal with it NOW, at a point where, to your enormous credit, you have been faithful to him, rather than after you have committed adultery (to use the legally correct term). He must have a lot going for him, or you wouldn't have married him in the first place, nor would you have stuck with him for three years with no sex. You two evidently get along well aside from the no-sex problem. So I think the relationship is worth saving. But the first step is to talk it out.
Of course, the preface to that is that you choose the time and place -- a setting where he's in a good mood and not cornered or threatened. You should make clear to him that you love him no matter what, and that you are a mature person who can handle whatever it may be that has interfered with his ability to do his husbandly duty by you.
If he's gay, well, you can deal with that. If he has an STD that he picked up from some guy, well, thank him for not infecting you. (I don't think that's it given that the last time you had intercourse apparently he wasn't using a condom; I'm just trying to consider all the possibles.)
If he has been seeing some other woman, well I would say that HAS to stop, or you're headed to Splitsville.
Assuming that it all goes back to that one time when for whatever reason he couldn't climax, I can sort of understand the hangup. This has happened to me a few times, but it didn't stop me from trying again the next day (and succeeding). It's normal for a man who has performance issues to be embarrassed to talk about them, but three years is just WAY too long to go without sorting this out. I know that my marriage would not have survived a drought like that, But then we would have had a serious conversation about the issue after three weeks, not three years.
Bottom line, I hope you can get him to open up and share with you what's keeping him from doing, for three years, what most men would like to do every day.
Good luck.
Girl Tuesday, I agree that talking about it would be awkward. Obviously, probably a big reason why you haven't brought it up yet. But don't let time get in the way. It was awkward after three weeks, and it was awkward after three months. It will be awkward after ten years. I'm not telling you that talking to him is the right thing to do, I don't want to come off as presumptuous. All I wanted to add is that, yes, it is awkward. If you do decide to bring it up one day, you will undoubtedly be asked why after all this time. No matter how much time has passed, the answer will be the same. It was awkward, and you didn't know how to bring it up.
In the meantime, go out and have some fun. You deserve it!
Thanks, Jay! Yes, I know that there is going to come a time someday, and it will be awkward, but unavoidable. And yes, Jay - the other one, it would be easier to deal with it now. Why I didn't at the time was cuz I didn't want to embarrass him, but really, he should have said something to me, right? We both are guilty of ignoring it, and you're right - it won't solve itself. Or maybe it will - that's what I keep hoping for! I realize that it is unlikely to solve itself, tho.
But Whkattk, I like your advice to jump some hot dude's bones!
Don't worry, guys. Whatever I decide to do, I will tell you about it. And thanks, Tim in MO, for being there. You all are good guys.
Hey, this is one of the most vulnerable posts I've seen on any blog. Gurrl, you've got to go into couple's therapy. Don't take this disinterest from him standing up. You're obviously a catch and other guys are interested. If your man will not go to couple's therapy then go to a therapist yourself. You need to find out why you are accepting his lack of sexual contact, if nothing else.
Anon, I have accepted it cuz I love him - plain and simple. If he has some issue that he's working through, then so be it. Like Whkattk said, there is so much more to marriage than just sex. I do want to share that with him, and I know I will... I just don't know when that will be.
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