Posts
Reader Letter
Another reader asks for advice:
hello.
i stumbled across your blog by accident, and since
then ive read some of your posts. i find theyre very thought-provoking, and
while my situation isnt exactly like yours, im happy that i found this blog.
theres no one i can turn to about my bi-ness, but at least now through you i can
learn a few lessons on what and what not to do.
i dont agree 100% with what your doing. i personally think you wont be able to hide 'it' forever and eventually its going to come back and bite. but thats your personal decision. you have your views, i have mine.
I have a question.
im a 15 year old male. (did you know you have readers that young?) my name is XXXXXXX
as a kid in high school i may look normal, but underneath im a huge mess of emotions and tangled thoughts. The fact that i notice both hot girls and guys doesnt really concern me; ive already accepted thats who i am. what i am concerned about however is my future. i think i can assume that you have regrets, guilts, and things you would have done differently. do you have any suggestions so that i dont screw up my future relationships/life?
i actually already took a half of a first step out of the closet. i already told my parents that im bi. that was probably the second hardest thing i have done in my life (1st was enduring 3 years of relentless bullying, 3rd to telling a girl i liked her). they were stunned, then didnt believe it and said that i was too young to truly know that. i said sure but i know deep inside that this is what i am. i have to say though that my parents are so amazing; they didnt freak out and pour holy water over my head and tell me to pray or anything like that. they said that if it was true, then they would be happy for me no matter who i end up with. im glad they at least half understand.
besides them however, no one else knows. (oh wait thats not true anymore is it?) i find that at this age it isnt affecting me much because instead of lustful thoughts i concentrate on video games, school, normal teen stuff. But i do think about it from time to time. Like i mentioned earlier, ive had a crush on a girl before, i havent had a crush on a guy before, but im still not sure of what im looking for. they both appeal to me in a weird, twisted way. my fantasies are all over the place; sometimes girly where i would just want to cuddle, but sometimes more dominant and aggressive like having sex. after reading some psychology articles however, i think this is normal for someone like me. but anyway that was just a little background on me.
i know your busy, so thanks for taking the time to
read this.
I've received letters like yours in the past..and I'll give you the same advice I gave them:
You're young..very young..almost too young to be concerned with making decisions on how you are going to live the rest of your life -sexually. Take the time..don't jump into anything so quickly. Date, make friends. You will see over time what you are into. I suppose some have made this decision as young as 15, but for others, it takes much longer. It's great that you have the support of your parents, but I agree with them..use the time you have to your advantage.
Once you've had exclusive relationships, some with men, some with women, I think the picture will become clearer. It's what I didn't have growing up. I never experienced a relationship with a man, and now, I'm stuck doing so secretly.
It's like riding a bike: Practice makes perfect.
5 comments:
Good advice BLM but I wish you follow some of your own suggestions. You had one "relationship" -- that was with Ross, that was something beyond just sex. All the rest of things you have been doing messing around with guys is just to get a mental high off of the sex, you've done very little to actually build an emotional relationship with another guy. And you probably never will as long as you stay married.
What sane guy would want to spend time investing in you when all you can give them is an hour here and there?
I think 15 is too young to be "dating" at all, much less forming any kind of exclusive relationship. Better to just have activities with groups of friends until you're at least 16 or 17. Thanks God I was too busy during high school years to plunge into dating or make any long term commitments. You will know yourself better in a couple of years.
It's not unusual to be attracted sexually to both guys and girls. Well before your age, I knew that I had both elements in me. Even at 13, I was having erotic daydreams about the beautiful brunette who sat next to me in homeroom one hour, and admiring the bulging muscles on the guys on the wrestling team the next. Fortunately, I had the sense in those years not to touch anyone to an extent that would cause trouble. Well, there was a little cuddling with my best friend when we were 16, but no exchange of bodily fluids. He moved away and both of us refocused.
Going forward, all other things being equal, if you have the ability to get aroused by girls, that's the side you should concentrate on. The relationship with a woman is the only way you are going to have children. Without kids, when you die that's the end. With kids, in a sense you go on forever.
Either way, be very careful acting on those urges. Lots of things change once you go all the way with someone. It should not ever be casual. We're talking about your most intimate parts, and your very sacred seed.
The optimum choice is to keep yourself clean until you marry. I did, and have never regretted taking that path. Same with my wife. Discovering sex together in a fully-committed context is a wonderful journey. I never have to worry whether she's comparing me in bed to some other guy, and vice versa.
That you may feel a little something when you look at a handsome guy doesn't have to be significant if you don't let it. You are a man, not a rutting animal. That you haven't started having sex already shows that you have a measure of self-discipline.
In other words, you can admire a beautiful physique on another man, or on a woman for that matter, without letting it become an obsession or dragging that person between your sheets. I can look at a menu yet not place an order.
This may not be the advice you might have expected to get on this website, but it's what has worked best for civilization for thousands of years. And it's demonstrably, absolutely the best construct for bringing children into the world and forming them into well-adjusted adults.
well said J! on reading your post I realized how far short my advice was. thanks for setting us both straight!
Hah! You both are S8? Could have fooled me.
why deny what you like? thats no way to live at all. terrible advice. let it play out and roll with that. but done settle on a woman so you can have kids. go with woman if thats what you want, if you feel you ilke dudes go with dudes. settling is what bi did and he does not seem happy. in a perfect world find a girl thats a switch hitter too and lets you do what you gotta do and she's does what she's gotta do, maybe even together. an open relationship. then you miss nothing!
Post a Comment