Frat Star Fridays! Play It Cool

Hey,

My name's Frat Star and I write a weekly column for Bi Like Me detailing the perspective of a gay college student. If you don't know about me...

• Both sides of my pillow are cool
• I bowl. Overhand.
• Police often question me, just because they find me interesting

Questions, comments, offers from Nigeria to inherit £36,000,000 in exchange for a one-time payment of $500.00 and the inevitable complaints can be sent to my email address: wsa215@gmail.com

Silence.

I began chatting with someone who's considering rushing a fraternity in the South next year. He's concerned that he won't get a bid because he's gay.

"What? I don't think that's necessarily true, even for some of the top houses. You'll fill a niche, like all pledges do."

"How do I do that?"

"Well, I think it's always best to go for the top house on campus. There's a lot of alumni benefits there, and it's always nice to be popular. Look, try this. Find the hottest girl you can and bring her to your first date event. Then have her flirt with the brothers, especially the ones that may have some bad preconceptions about you. After that, have her flirt with the brothers you like. Meanwhile, everyone she hits on that's had a positive experience with her -- hit that dude up. Think of it like flirting with a guy, except that you can't have sex with him."

"Or hold hands," he says.

"Yeah, and that. Fraternities are inherently gay."

I'm Frat Star, and this is how you rush a fraternity if you're gay.

Note: My generalizations are all the same unless you're in California like this dude. I don't understand how the fuck frats work out there.

(Edit: If you've been in a fraternity or are in one now, let's be honest here: what we do is blurring sexual lines. Small talk, exchanging numbers, and feeding you drinks... it's pretty much what I'd normally do in order to try and get laid. Instead, I have to sit there and listen to you tell me about the time that you carried your entire football team because you made two touchdowns your sophomore year of high school. Then I have to assemble a dream team based off of looks and social skills. It really is the gayest thing that straight guys regularly do.)

(Edit 2: No one actually does the elephant walk.)


(Edit 3: Sorry, I wish I had more angsty gay advice or stories to share with you this week... but I just have nothing to bitch about this week. I realize that writing this kind of makes me a tool, but I'm stressed out with a lot of homework, it's the middle of rush so this was the first thing that came to mind and I didn't have time to do a re-write... whatever deal with it. I'll try to supplement it with something in addition over the weekend.)

"Broooooo!"

There's something important about playing it cool, especially if you're gay. You'll have to immediately adopt self-restraint, a generally important concept, and one which you will completely lack if you're coming out of the closet. The way you act, as much as I hate to say this, will be somewhat contingent upon where you are in the country. Southerners won't tolerate an effeminate gay man, whereas Northerners will have virtually no issue with you -- as long as you don't hit on them. Californians are basically the same as Northerners, and I feel that a lot of Midwestern guys are just kind of perplexed by you. This is, of course, a grand generalization but one that I feel is pretty accurate.

I've been rush chair a few times, so if any of you are curious as to how we select people, here's your chance because I'll tell you now.

First, a little word on how this shit works for anyone who has zero idea what I'm talking about without referencing wikipedia. Like many schools overseas, fraternities are social clubs (Britain: Dining Clubs, Germany: Studentenverbind, etc.) where members, called brothers, come together just to eat, drink and generally be merry. I'm sure that people are going to freak the fuck out given the above description and then I'm going to be accused of gender discrimination, white privilege or something absurd, but that's what I've always seen it as. Fraternities generally are ranked by two scales: age (old row or pre-1945/ new row or post-1945) and social prestige (how many hot girls come through the door). Therefore, you want to try to angle yourself to be in a top tier old row fraternity, as they have the most benefits hands down -- that's the goal, anyway.

You may want to avoid these guys. Or not.

Now, once you've learned the lay of the land as mentioned above, you're going to want to find the house that's the right fit for you. Your first rush will probably consist of a bunch of dudes buzzing off a few [beers/pills/insert intoxicating substance here] and loitering around the house. Don't play beer pong or any drinking games if you suck at them -- I personally always thought they were fucking stupid, I drink to enjoy myself, not to put some little ball in some dipshit cup that's about as clean as a street corner -- so just try to get to know the brothers. Some awkwardness is expected, but I'd suggest you look at the house that you think you could get along in. Joining a fraternity that's a good fit will pay off in the long run: you want these guys to accept you for who you are, and a great degree of that depends upon your personality. For example, the top house on your campus may consist of the biggest assholes to walk on the face of the planet: avoid them if that's not your bag of tricks.

Now, you're gay so you're going to want to play it cool. It's best not to pump the fact that you're gay publicly. Don't flip. This has relatively little to do with the fact that you're gay as much as it has to do with the fact that you're revealing something pretty intimate within a short time of meeting someone. I feel like a lot of gay guys inadvertently spill the beans on their "gay status" pretty frequently, especially when coming out and this is the one time that you don't mention this. It'd be inappropriate. I don't want to spoil the pledge process for you, but if you know kids in a certain frat that you went to HS with they'll already know or, if it isn't broached (breeched? It's late and this post is live the moment that I click the button, so bear with me here) then you will reveal it during pledge. The secrets (or "not so secrets" -- inside joke) that you share with your pledge brothers will mean that they'll be your best friends for the rest of your life.

Regardless, eventually there will be some date events for you to attend. This is just to make sure that you can get laid or at least look passable at a few events. Remember my advice on how to select your date that I mentioned above? Find yourself a hot girl that is social. She'll understand how to network once you're in, and the kryptonite of even the most homophobic (read: ignorant and misinformed) bro is a hot girl in the face talking up her gay friend.

One of the most important things of this whole process is just doing the whole macho thing. I'm really into it -- some aren't -- but all frat stars are into the masculinist movement even if they don't realize it yet. This entire organization is about building bonds that are truly long lasting and will transcend any societal bullshit that you may encounter in the future.

Now, who do we take?

The selection process at a fraternity is pretty simple, and voting is conducted differently depending on your chapter. At my chapter, each person gets one blackball, and two blackballs irrevocably removes that person from the process. We've only had a handful of blackballs thrown in the past ten years, because there's a general concensus. We try to take kids who will fit into our group of friends in the same way that you might create a tribe. Although I mentioned that I looked for beauty and social skills, I was only half joking: we search for common bonds and people who can contribute something to our growth. I wish I could go more in depth, but I feel that I've said enough and that I've emphasized the most important aspects.

I hope this was helpful or at least insightful to some extent.