The Wrong Path

A New Reader:

Hello There,

I just found your blog two days ago while surfing the net for some good porn. Although your blog wasn't exactly what I was looking for, I read a little and I must say, your blog is pretty awesome! I guess what I admire most is how well you have lived as a closeted man. Its quite admirable really.

I just had some questions if you don't mind . I'm currently 23 years old. I think I'm a closeted individual too but..i want to have a life just like yours. I'm not sure if you have mentioned it in your blog, but I would like to know how you met your wife and how you started a perfect life with kids if you don't mind sharing. I am not sure if I will ever be physically attracted to girls but I do feel I can and will undoubtedly get attached to them emotionally.  I want to marry and have kids and I am afraid to admit I like men not for my own safety but I do not wish to disappoint those around me. 

Would you kindly tell me how you started this life of yours? One which I admire and wish for myself? Thank you, have a good evening!

Warmest Wishes,

A Curious Reader

*****

Despite how it may seem, my life is not perfect and it's certainly nothing to be admired. If you read my blog, you know that I don't look at myself as someone who is doing the right thing..but only the least intrusive thing. Anyway, you want my history -- so here it is:

I met my wife while in Graduate school. We met through a friend and we hit it off almost immediately. She often traveled to me to visit while I was away, and having her there during a very stressful time of studying was just the elixir that I needed. At that point in my life, I had very little gay/bi - men on men experience other than a buddy that I hooked up with in my Freshman year in college.  But having a steady girlfriend was great..and we always got along really well.

After I graduated and returned home, we continued dating until we got engaged.  I couldn't really tell you when exactly I began messing with guys more often..or how it progressed..because that was quite some time (and many men) ago. I do remember that I began getting more intrigued and using the sex-chat phone lines and discovering the gay internet sites (does anyone remember BBS-es?).

Eventually, I started hooking up with other men....often, in the beginning, just for jerking off, or on occasion, allowing men to blow me. After each time, I would feel guilty..and I'd come home..sometimes with flowers..promising to myself that I would never, ever do such a thing again.  Those promises went broken time and time again. Soon, the guilt would go away too.

I eventually graduated to blowing the guys I met with and after a long time, finally started fucking guys.

Sounds great, huh? Well, I could tell you from the bottom of my heart that if I could change it..I would. I'd change the marriage part..yea..for sure. I would have tried to experiment more before I got married..to make sure it was what I wanted prior to making the commitment. I'd change the fact that I brought kids into this world..great kids..who don't deserve a father who - unbeknownst to them - has betrayed and continues to their family trust and bond. I'd change almost everything. If I could..I'd take the pill..the antidote (if there was one) to me being attracted to men.

Why would anyone admire what I do? I don't expect admiration nor do I want it. Why anyone would want to marry someone just to satisfy others is crazy.

Following the path of least resistance, will not make anyone happy..least of all you.