Frat Star Friday: Yo It's Me

Hi, I’m Frat Star.

I’m in my early 20s and, in order to spread my unbound wisdom to a lot of young guys in a similar position, I’ll be writing “Frat Star Fridays!” (yeah, the exclamation point is a little faggy but whatever, I’m real excited about this) on BiLikeMe from now on. I’m a great guy, so I thought I’d tell you a little about myself:

 

•  My charm is so contagious, that vaccines have been created for it
•   Every time I go for a swim, dolphins appear.
•    My hands feel like rich, brown suede
•   When it is raining, it is because I’m thinking about something sad
•   My blood smells like cologne
•   My organ donor card also lists my beard scruff
•   I live vicariously through myself
•   My lacrosse stick is fused to my body
•    I have a large penis and I used to make girls scream

Now that I’ve introduced myself to you, feel free to hit me up with any comments, compliments or questions (complaints too, I guess) at wsa215@gmail.com.

Courage, Divorce and Happiness: Why You Should Come Out of the Closet If You’re Unmarried and Like Cock

A lot of the guys who read my former blog have emailed me telling me about their problems. Typically, the story goes something like this:

“Hey Frat Star – Just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I love your stuff. I’m [18-25], in a serious relationship with a girl, attend [insert top 50 university here] but I keep fucking around with my [best friend/dog/fraternity brother/teammate]. I play [insert varsity sport here] and next year I’ll be working for [insert bulge bracket bank/white shoe law firm/McKinsey] but I’m hoping I can make things work. I like pussy but I just can’t get my friend’s dick out of my [mind/mouth]. Any suggestions?”

If you’re someone like that, then I have news for you: you should come out of the damn closet and accept the fact that you find penis highly enjoyable. It’s so enjoyable that you want one here. And here. And two there. And maybe fit one more in here. Even if you aren’t into group sex like me (eww?) and prefer your sex to be of the “one-on-one-I’m-basically-in-a-relationship-holy-shit-I-love-this-bro” style, you can’t say it’s not a hot fantasy. If you’re like me, namely, a former D1 athlete who is completely masculine and normal in every way, then you should come out of the closet.

Here’s why: I want you to imagine that in front of you stands your dream girl. She’s smoking hot – so hot that guys simultaneously curse and worship you when you hold her hand on the street – so kind that animals instantly love her, is smarter than you, she fucks you like a porn star all day and her father is richer than Crassus. You might be able to fuck her well for a few years, but what happens when dick is just calling you? It’s like crack. You have to get your cock fix. You find yourself uninterested in pussy and are pissy when she gets all dressed up in her little negligee for a trip to pound town. Are you cool with taking this girl out of the dating pool and spending the rest of your life with her?

Most dudes get married and don’t quite understand the concept of forever. Marriage is one of those things that should be, if you’ve done it right, forever.  It’s where you can find a pretty girl, she gets mauled by a pack of dogs, and you don’t give a shit how she looks. Now, what happens if you enter into a marriage with the best intentions but you feel that it’s not working? There are two scenarios here:

a        Bro, you married a bitch and the wrong woman and you have to get out of here.

b       You are gay as hell, and no matter how many times you get married; there is no resolution to your problem except to find an awesome guy

See, the ideal marriage is like a dance floor. You lead the girl but the two partners are equal. You come up with a plan, and she tells you honestly how she feels about it. You guys are a team. Sometimes you guys will be in total concurrence. Other times, she’ll make suggestions. When you’re an asshole, she’ll tell you go to fuck yourself because you need an attitude adjustment. Other times, you’ll do the same to her. Either way at the end of the day, you guys are a great couple. That’s a good marriage. There’s a lot of dirty fucking, honesty and trust. Don’t tell me that I’m being an idealist or that chicks use sex as a weapon, because I know a lot of cases where that’s the complete opposite. If you want to get married, you have to be a real man.

Marriage vows have existed for nearly as long as Christianity itself, and the reason they’re such a longstanding tradition is because they work. If you can’t fulfill those vows (can you really give yourself to your partner when you’re looking at your best man and hoping he takes his shirt off and makes you a bitch bottom?) then you shouldn’t get married. Save yourself the pain and heartache. Is that not enough for you? Then let me give you a few other things to convince you to come out:

Reason One: Divorce

The first big word that I learned growing up was “prenuptial”, primarily because my father was consistently furious that he never thought to get one. Statistically speaking, if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably from one of the five largest states in the country: California, Texas, New York, Florida and Illinois. With the exception of Texas, I can promise you something right now:

Your now ex-wife, especially if she ever catches you with dudes, will literally own your ass for the next thirty years. That means, when you start making bank when you’re in your late 30s, and you get divorced after being married for five years, she will take, at minimum, half of your paycheck until you fucking die. Want to buy your dream house after a divorce? Good luck, kid. If you marry the wrong woman, she will literally go into a court of law and proceed to beg, cry and scream as if she was a professionally trained actress in order to vindictively fuck you. Her lawyers will look into every nook and cranny of your life in order to suck you of every cent that the State of California/Florida/Illinois/New York will allow in order to cause you the direst pain possible. Have grindr on your phone? Don’t think that lawyers can’t access phone records, purchases, et. al. in order to prove to a sympathetic judge that you’re the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Been married for more than ten years? Did you ever once lie about the most insignificant thing in your prenuptial? You, sir, are fucked, because the judge will have zero hesitation to throw it out and let you rot. This process will last, at minimum, one year if you are incredibly lucky. Other divorces have gone on for ten years with the man having virtually no visitation rights to his children. That’s right: the courts will actually take your fucking kids away from you if her lawyers are good enough. Oh, and before I forget, also remember this: white-shoe family lawyers who represent high net-worth males can charge up to 25% more than they do for female clients because defending you is so difficult.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Don’t enter into a bad marriage. This especially applies to you if you’ve ever had a dick in your mouth. If you feel like your marriage is about to fail, go rent a house in Texas and initiate divorce proceedings there. If you’re a European reader, the best place to get divorced is Germany, followed by (surprisingly) France. The worst place, by far, is the United Kingdom.

Reason Two: Happiness

Let’s flip the coin here for a moment and imagine that you’ve decided to heed my advice. I’d say there’s no rush to actually come out to your parents if you’re young until you’ve met someone and the interim gives you some time to steel your resolve, play the field, and learn who your true friends are. I am, by far, a much stronger person now than I was six months ago even though while coming out I was a blackout, emotional, hot mess of a person. You won’t ever have to look behind your shoulder or to rush your hookup because you feel there’s a huge risk of getting caught. To your surprise, you’ll actually find out that people don’t really care if you’re gay. You’re still the same old kid they knew and loved. Your straight friends will actually like you better because now you can spit game at chicks, tell them you’re gay, and move them onto your friends. I’ve literally hooked up six couples this past term alone.

There’s nothing quite like being yourself. If you buck the gay stereotype, like I do, people will respect you immensely. Want to know what a great day looks like if you’re out and gay? This was a little “date” that I went on this past weekend with a guy who I’m just friends with now – we decided it’s not going to work out ultimately – but we had a great time:

I woke up at 9:15AM and got showered. I texted him to see what was going on and he had nothing planned for the day, so I walked over to the apartment where he was staying. We made out on his couch for a little while watching a movie, and then we went down to the Frick because he found the entire concept of a huge mansion on Fifth Avenue to be really cool. Then we walked across Central Park laughing about everything, standing close to one another and when I felt his body heat only a few inches away from me I felt like I won the lottery. We went over to my Mom’s place, chilled for about thirty minutes with her and went downtown so we could go to church at Saint Luke’s in the Fields for New Year’s Day. Then we went to Chelsea Market nearby and had lunch. Then we went and smoked a blunt with some friends of mine in Tribeca and went to a bar with them to watch the Miami Dolphins crush the New York Jets. This was the worst part of my day. Then we had dinner at this beer garden so we could watch more football. Finally, we decided to go to a gay bar – the Stonewall Inn – because neither of us had ever been to a gay bar. At Stonewall, we both got kinda felt up by the bartender (“Oh, sweetie, you can come back any time.”) who was wondering what the fuck these two jocks were doing sitting quietly in the back room, but we laughed it off. Then we tried to go to this bar called “The Cock” because I’d always wanted to go since it has a rep for being very degenerate, but there was a $10 cover charge and neither of us wanted to pay it.

After that day, I was so relaxed it was as if someone had blown me for a 12-hour period while getting a massage. That’s happiness. You’re only going to get it if you do you.

Reason Three: Courage

Everyone hates a pussy.

Remember back for a second when you were playing sports either in high school or college. Do you recall that guy that just kept letting the team down? Who couldn’t get his shit together or fumbled the ball on the gridiron? Who couldn’t protect this house if it killed him?

Don’t be that guy.

Part of being a real man is being a real person. Coming out is a shitty process, but even my most conservative friends have rallied behind me like a rock. I was actually scared to tell my one buddy who’s presently a company-grade officer in the Marines, but lo and behold he was actually really psyched for me and he’s trying to hook me up with a young second lieutenant with a body made of steel in his company. This dude is just all kinds of awesome and smoking hot.

You know that guy you always wanted to hook up with? You can get him, but you have to be out in order to do so. You’d be shocked at how many dudes will rally behind you as if you’re leading the second coming of Christ to find you a masculine guy. All of a sudden, you’re now the “cool gay bro” and people want to hear your advice and ask you to hook them up with chicks. They’ll find you gay varsity athletes in return. However, you can’t do shit if you aren’t out. I’m not talking about a hookup here either; I’m talking about some serious life shit.

Don’t be that guy who’s scared of his own shadow if he gets exposed. Get out of the closet, I swear to everything that’s sacred that it’s not at all terrible, and don’t be a fucking pussy or I’ll just hate on you. The only way that normal gay dudes are going to be accepted is if they exist. When people tell me that they’re shocked that I’m gay, I consider it to be the highest compliment because you’re just like everyone else.

I’m Frat Star, and this is my advice for people who are young, scared and trying to figure out their sexuality. Next week? Bro dating.