Happy New Year!

Guys:

Enjoy the night..but..don't be stupid: Don't drink and drive!
Better yet..stay home..in bed!

Let's Get Physical 2

One of the other things I spoke to my doctor about during my physical was my memory..or lack thereof.

I'm jealous of guys who can repeat word for word a scene in a movie..or TV show..("Remember that Seinfeld?)"or remember a funny time that happened in college like it was yesterday..the weather, the people there, what they were wearing, where they were..all the details. Me? I can't remember what I ate for breakfast (and it's only 9:00 am)!

I do think part of my memory problems have to do with me not caring. You know, my wife saying "I told you we had this appointment yesterday, don't you remember?" Of course I don't ..it's called selective hearing.  Or people introducing themselves and me forgetting their names....

But, there are other times when I get frustrated..almost scared that I cant remember someone..or something. It's more than mixing up my kids names - calling one the others name (I think everyone does that)..it's like..people I know..for years..and sometimes, the name just escapes me..or not remembering where I parked the car at the mall..or which way I came from when I walk out onto the city street so I can head back to the subway. Sometimes, I walk out, look left, look right..and I'm downright scared that things just don't look familiar to me.


Sometimes, someone asks me specifics about something (Not work, work seems to be fine memory-wise). They ask for directions (I cant remember street names) or I'm at a party..and I'm talking to someone about an actor..and couldn't remember his name.."You know..that guy..the guy with the big deep voice..the black guy..god, it's on the tip of my tongue..Star Wars..- YES! that's it..thanks..James Earl Jones!"

Is that normal? Normal for a 48 year old to be a little forgetful? My doctor, who is a few years older than me says he doesn't have any issues with his memory, that even though he's older..he hasn't noticed a change.  That the fact that I've noticed..makes it something worth looking into.

He gave me the name of a neurologist..I don't know if I'll call. It's almost..almost scarier to know than not. Anyway, I can't even remember where I put the number... ;)

Let's Get Physical 1

It was time for my yearly physical. I'm pretty good about setting it up and being on top of my health. My doctor, a few years older than me, also is a good guy..we have a nice rapport going..and I know him for many, many years.


I sit in the examination room and he opens the door..calling me by my first name, smiling and shaking my hand. Asks about work, the family, and how I'm doing in general.

"I'm good...but do you mean..health-wise..or are we still talking generalities?" as I chuckle.
"Yea, how are you feeling?" He asks.
"I'm really pretty good. I don't feel bad really..other than the aches and pains of getting older..my knees hurt, wrists..you know.."

He gives that knowing nod as he types in his computer...
"But, there are a few things..like..my weight. I can't understand..I don't eat crap..can't tell you the last time I had ice cream, never eat fast food, hardly drink alcohol at all..I work out religiously 5 days a week, was going twice a day until softball season started..now I'm doing that twice a week. The weight just doesn't come off."

"What weight?" he says.
"Well, I know I'm not fat, but, I want to lose 5-10 pounds..and I'm stuck. No matter what I do." I say.
"It's all eating less and exercising more..." he says.
"Exactly..I know that. But all that's not working."
"Well, tonight's my poker night.. We're drinking, eating chips and dip and probably going to have some vanilla Swiss almond ice cream. I don't work out as much as you do, although I do run...and I don't have a problem. First I think you're crazy that you want to lose weight, second I think you're crazy that you don't eat the stuff you want to, and third..maybe it's your thyroid. So, we'll check that with your blood work."
"OK." I say.


So, maybe there's an answer...If I did have a thyroid problem, I'd feel like there is a reason why I can't lose these last 5-10 pounds. Maybe if that gets addressed...it'll fall off.

Anyway...he asked about my pee, my shits, my erection..all going well..then he stuck his finger up my ass.

Jeez...doesn't anyone buy you dinner anymore before violating you?

Hump Day: Christian

New to the California area, Christian has been modeling for 5 years now and takes his work seriously. "I'm very focused in what I do and always bring a positive attitude to every photo shoot. My work is unique and stands out of the crowd. I'm constantly updating my book and perusing every opportunity that comes my way."

Moving On

I had moved on a while ago. Ross and I hadn't been together..sex wise in a long time. We chat a lot online..and I had been with other guys since breaking up with him, but, the topic..never came up..until..one day...

Ross: "So, meet anyone?"
Me: "Meet?"
Ross: "Yea..like have you met anyone?"
Me: "Well, the mail man just came into my office."
Ross: "lol..you know what I meant"
Me: "Oh..meet..nah..no one permanent"
Ross: "No?"
Me: "Nah, it's hard to find"
Ross: "Yea, I know. Well I met someone on my last trip"
Me: "Really? Nice."
Ross: "Maybe I shouldn't tell you..."
Me: "No, it's cool."
Ross: "Yea, he's cool.Very nice, but he lives a long way away. Not going to become anything.."
Me: "Well, long distance relationships can be hard."
Ross: "Thanks. Was weird though. We went out for drinks and all I could think about was...you!"
Me: "Me? lol..well..that's normal..I mean as long as you didn't scream out my name in the throws of passion!"
Ross: "lol..no..but..I did think about you."
Me: "Well I often think about you too. We had some very strong feelings for each other. So it's natural."

Ross: "I suppose..."

...and with that we talked some more about work and other stuff. Hopefully, within the next couple of weeks, we're going to grab a bite to each and catch up some more.

But, I guess, Ross has moved on.  Good for him...I was being honest when I said he deserved it and was happy for him.

Except, I don't know that I need to know about all his happiness!

Merry Fuckin' Christmas!

Yea, we all know my mental state isn't the rosiest. I try and hide that part of me, but inevitably, it comes out. But when it comes to my kids, I try to be in extra-high spirits.

 You know how kids are: out for dinner and the meal isn't quite up to par..or a little surprising even. I'm always the one to nudge them to "make the best of it." You know, it's an adventure sometimes when you go out..new restaurant..different food. My kids for the most part will try anything..but, often can be disappointed at the littlest things. Lasagna not what Mom makes? So? scape off the Prosciutto, and try it..otherwise, we'll send it back for the safer Penne alla Vodka.

But the holidays are something different. For kids, this time of year is full of expectations...of anticipation..of excitement and ultimately, disappointment.  As usual, my kids have a hard time coming up with a list of things they would like for the holidays.  Of course, the list, if they do make one, starts with things that they know they won't get..flat screens, lap tops, cars, animals..but, I guess you have to give them credit for trying. Then there are the few things left that we end up getting..supplementing with our own idea purchases.

Clothes? Well, if you have girls, yea, that could be great..but with a boy? Forget it..they don't want clothes..so those boxes are often opened and tossed aside. As is any item that's considered "basic essential" underwear, socks, books, pajamas and the like.Then we open something that they "wanted" and it's a let down: "Well, yea, it was on my list, but...now I'm not so happy with it.” they say.

The big "wow" factor is gone. The days of crayons and coloring books or match box cars, or cool wool hats and gloves, or enjoyable books making any kid happy is gone. My kids, after they're done with the gift opening frenzy..are left..depressed, sad, and moping around.

It brings me back to my childhood. I clearly remember days when I would get gifts..gifts that I certainly didn't expect. Yea, when I wanted a bike, I got my brothers old bike: now spray painted black, with new mirrors and horn. Underwear and socks were often also given and needless to say, I came out of the holidays unhappy with my presents.

But, I don't want my kids to have the same feelings about the gifts we give them..it's just that with kids walking around with I-Phones, Blackberrys, I-Pads , having Laptops, Flatscreens in their rooms..it makes my kids think that what they get isn't good enough.

Happy Holidays!

A Gay Latino

Another reader's letter:

Hey I just want to start out by saying how much I love reading your blog, and especially all your sexy hook ups.

The reason I'm writing to you is to let you know how much your blog has help me accept myself for who I am. I'm a 21 year old college student and a gay Latino. Even though I can not imagine how it must feel to be in your shoes, I also thought that by getting married to a women all of my feelings and sexual thoughts about men would disappear. After finding your blog, I realized how much I was wrong. Reading about all your daily struggles you go through and how you must put your happiness last for you family, has made me realized how horrible it must be to be gay in a straight marriage.

After a couple months of reading your blog, I was finally accepting of myself and I did something that I thought I would never never (ever) do and that was come out to one of my sisters. It went better than I thought it would go and the feeling that I got from telling her was an incredible feeling that I can not describe. Even though I have only told a couple of my family members I am pretty much out at school.

I have also recommend your site to one of my friends that is still in the process in coming out. Another thing that I wanted to let you know was how wonderful of a dad you are and to not let those nasty comments get you down. I want to thank you for staring this blog and putting so much hard work in it and I bet you can not imagine how many people you have helped with your blog. ;)

Some Holiday Cheer

After almost two months...I got a text from Ross. He was headed to his office Holiday Party and wanted to let me know of someone who was going to be there. Now, it's normal for him to be out of touch for some time..this was an especially long time between us talking or texting..but, with the holidays, everyone's running around, so I knew he was probably busy.

As it turns out, he said he was also traveling recently so that kept him away. After a few texts he mentions that he wants to take me up on my offer from the last time we chatted and grab a bite for dinner one night. "Sure" I said.

It's probably been over a year since I've seen him.. But, Ross taking the initiative and asking me to go to dinner? This is not like him.

Hump Day: Chace

I was listening to the radio on the way into work, and someone mentioned Chace Crawford, an actor I had little knowledge about..not anymore!

Cream With That?

I hit Starbucks last week. They must have a strict hiring policy: only good looking people can be barristers. On Monday, this tall, well built guy is taking my order. He seems reserved behind the register. Must be 6'2" and well built, but slim. He's got dark features and brown hair. Tats on his forearm, and he's very hot. I get up there, say my good mornings and order my coffee.


Tuesday, same guy, same scene...same hot guy.

Wednesday, I'm waiting in line, and a girl is behind the register. As I approach the front of the line, a guy walks in from the back and takes over at the register. This guy is 6'2", well built,, but slim. Same tats..same hot body..but, now he's blond.

"So, you went blond, huh" I say.
"Yea, they say they have more fun" he says.

We chuckle, and I order my coffee. This guy looks hot no matter what color his hair is. Wonder if the carpet match the drapes.

Fantasy Island

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I guess it's just a matter of philosophy. I know I'm pessimistic. I'm a glass half empty type of guy. My wife? She's very optimistic..and a glass half full type.


We got to talking. She's been having..let's say, "issues." She doesn't know why, and she's been to the doctor. Of course, the doctor prescribes what every housewife is taking..some anti-depressant. I wasn't happy about it.

Why does she need it? She feels down sometimes, feels like she's on edge. It has nothing to do with me. Some days she feels she has little tolerance for the kids, she's anxious, nervous, upset, depressed. We discussed how she is feeling..I was there for her..told her she's fine..that everyone feels that way. That she's a great mother and everyone loves her. But, ultimately, my reaction? Welcome to my world.

Yea, I told her that's life. Everything she's going through and feeling sometimes, well, that's how I feel sometimes too. That's life isn't it? Does anyone walk around with a smile on their face always?  Life isn't unfortunate things that get in the way of a normally happy time. To me, it's quite the opposite: it's a normally miserable time interspersed with some happiness. The key is appreciating the happy times when they come, cause right around the corner is more shit to slap you in the face.


As we grow up, we gain responsibilities. School becomes more important, there's relationship issues, job issues, money problems. As we age further, what do we have to look forward to? Our parents becoming ill and eventually dying. Introduce me to someone who will not have a parent, relative or loved one die..you can't! It's inevitable. Not a fun time..I can tell you from experience. Once we get past our parents and other relatives dying..it's our turn! Soon we become sick, unable to do the things we used to. Then we become a burden upon our kids. Such is life.

I know..there are happy occasions. Births, marriages, buying your first car, house, vacations..celebrations. Family holidays. They're all great, but they do not happen every day. Life is full of crap..and the happy times are just interspersed in between.


My wife thinks life should be fun always. I think most girls think that. They're brought up in the world of Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Pretty Woman, and the Kardashians. Nobody worries about money, nobody gets sick and dies. There are no fights or arguments. They all live happily ever after. It's not real..but, girls think that's the way life should be. Realizing that Realty TV doesn't depict the real life drama of everyday life is downright depressing.

I don't believe that life is a bowl of cherries. Yea, I know..I've got issues too. But, I'm realistic..I may need medication myself..but, it is what it is.

Life sucks..then you die.

Gay Baby (V)

Senior Moment

Is it possible that I'm coming down with the early stages of Alzheimer's disease? No, I'm not kidding. Sometimes I really think my brain has gone sour.


Sometimes, I'm talking to people..having a conversation. I need a name..the actor, the movie, the song writer, the Insurance Salesman...anyone and I just can't come up with it. It's out there..I started the sentence, and I'm standing there with mouth open..and nothing coming out, until the person I'm speaking with fills in the blank.

Other times, I'm trying to read the instructions on how to use my latest tech toy or some other manual. It's like reading a foreign language.  Sometimes, I feel my mind is just drifting when I talk to people and I'm thinking "You know, you're not paying attention to anything this person is saying. You're looking at the nachos over there on the table..(mmmm Nachos...)" I can never remember a name. Hi..my name is Bob. Immediately, it's gone. Who is it that I just shook hands with? God...this is awful. I'm a proponent of the idea that everyone should have the "Hello my name is..." sticker on their shirt at all times.

The guy that helps me coach my son's team laughs at me as I yell out to the outfield:
"Frank! Move over" as I waive my hands for him to move for a leftie.
"That's not Frank" he says
"Bobby, move!
"Nope." again he laughs
"Daniel! Dammit! MOVE!
He laughs again.

"HEY! RIGHT FIELDER!!! MOVE CLOSER TO THE LINE!" I finally yell.


Getting older is tough. There's the inevitable body breakdown. The knees hurt now.  I got this twinge in my hip. Playing ball two times a week, after working out at the gym everyday is a grind. Some days, I can barely walk up a set of stairs.

But, the mind is a rough thing to lose. What did I have for dinner last night? Who knows! You know people who can name every line from every movie they ever saw?  They're so annoying. Ha ha.. remember that scene in Seinfeld when.....

It isn't easy getting old. But, at this rate, I won't remember how hard it's gonna be.

Hump Day: Renato Ferreira

Scruffy Stare

When a 21 year old guy emails you..well, you respond, don't ya?

That's what happened one day. I was on Adam and this guy, who I've never seen online before emails me. Apparently he's in my area, parents went to Spain and he offered me a massage. But, not today, maybe tomorrow.  OK, no problem.

Then we get to talking, sending emails back and forth, sending pics. Then he says, that I've made him horny..let's do it today! On my way!

I hit his house, which was under construction. People everywhere, drop cloths all over, things out of place. But the place was defintiely nice, you could tell. He's 21, 5'8", 150 pounds. Nice shaved body and a little scruffy beard. All good so far...but he's staring at me.

"Stop staring!" I tell him with a chuckle as I push his head to the side.
"Well, you want the massage?" he asks
"Yea" I say, as we undo our clothes.

I lay down, and he rubs my back for a few minutes then goes down to my butt, and legs. After a few more minutes, I feel his breath on my neck..and after all this guy's no masseuse and this wasn't going to be about a massage. I roll over.

We kiss, and make out. He asks if I want him to suck me and I tell him I'd love that.


"Would you suck me?" he asks.
I shake my head no.
"Why? too small? he asks.
"No!" I respond. "You're not too small..don't ever think that. I just don't suck guys I don't know very well. It's just something I don't do. I don't like strange cock in my mouth" I tell him (and that's the truth).

With that he sucks me and we end up blowing our loads and cleaning up. As I'm getting dressed again, he has that stare.

"Stop!" I tell him again.
"You're very handsome" he says.
"Thanks, you too..very cute" I respond.

A Strong Hand

Some would say I'm too strict. My wife and I certainly have gotten the wry smile from some family members or friends (oh, just let him have another piece of candy!) or the whisper of a disagreeing grandmother (let him stay up another hour!). But, I haven't changed..and my wife and I seem to be on the same page for the most part.


I believe in a strong father figure. One that has rules, requirements and is unbending in his ways. Why? Well, it doesn't necessarily come from my parents...although I do remember some unbending ways of my Mom and Dad.

My father wasn't particularly strict..I mean, he wasn't a push-over, but my Mom was the strict one and he certainly went along for the ride.  I think it's important to show a unified front to your kids..so, if one parent says "no" to something, your kid doesn't run over to the other parent for permission. They learn that, and they can play that game well.

My father was often gone for a day or two working (without going into it, his job required him to be away for a day and night before returning for a day and night). Because of this, most of the discipline was left to my Mom, and, well, let's just say that we kids knew that you could only push her so far. My father would return and help out at home..he wasn't an absentee father at all. Often, the rules were the rules, and even if my friends (often girls) were staying out later than me, I had my curfew and that was to be obeyed. My parents did a pretty good job I'd say..damn good. They have successful, pretty well adjusted children, who are into family, traditions and adored them.  Since my Dad's passing, that hasn't changed and all the children travel to see my Mom on many occasions. Even my wife and other children-in-laws have a very special relationship with my Mom...even more so than their own parents.

But, that still doesn't explain where I came up with the "Strong Father" model of child-rearing. Actually, I can trace it back to the birth of my second child. Because of my work schedule and the fact that we had an older child in the house, we decided to get a nurse to stay and help my wife the first few weeks. She was great with the kids. But, one day, I remember her sitting on the couch, feeding my newborn. My wife was in the shower and I was dealing with an frantic episode of a normal 3 year old boy. He was having a meltdown..crying, angry. I don't remember what the fuss was about, but I stood my ground. Told him to .."get dressed" or "you have to eat this" or "you have to go to bed now" or whatever the argument was about. A few minutes after he had calmed down, I returned to the living room, where the nurse continued to feed my baby...and she was beaming at me.

In her warm Jamaican accent she said "You know, you're going to be a great father" she said.
Laughing at her out of frustration of arguing with a 3 year old, I scoffed at her remark.
"I can tell." She continued:
"A boy needs a strong father..he needs a man in the house. You need to stick to your guns. Later in life, he will grow up and appreciate that..and instead of raising a child, you'll have raised a man."


That conversation stuck with me. It's why I am a strong father. Now of course, there's some give and take in there..especially as they've matured. But, I believe it's why my kids know that homework has to be done before the TV is put on (and that they are expected to do their best in school). It's why the XBox doesn't play until the books are away. It's why weekday bedtimes are adhered to. It's also why my kids excel at school, at sports, have great friends. It's why other Mom's come up to me and ask if my kids could marry their daughters one day! They're good catches and we know it.

I think it's also why my kids cuddle up to me when we're watching TV together, even though they are teenagers, way past the "cuddle stage". It's why they kiss me good-bye every morning before going to school and know that they can call me at any time if they feel they are in danger and need a parent. They also know that drinking is frowned upon, that drugs are prohibited, and responsibility and perception is everything.

It's why I think stable parenting is the most important part of raising a child.

A Good Laugh (V)

Sparking

There was a guy on Grindr that I had chatted with a few times. Seemed like we got along real well, and everything matched up.  Then, we kinda lost touch and never actually was able to meet as planned.


But, I didn't give up and finally, I chatted him and asked when he would be around. He mentioned that he was around that day..and gave me directions to his apartment.

As I pulled up to his apartment, I saw him standing outside waiting for me. He invited me in and  we sat and talked on the couch - well, actually I sat on the couch, and his dog next to me. He sat nearby on a wheeled office chair. He placed his shoeless foot on the corner of the couch close to me.

As we talked, getting to know each other, I felt comfortable. He said he thought I was very cute, and I said the same. We talked about relationships, work, and usual stuff. Then I grabbed his foot, and ran my hand up underneath his jeans and felt his hairy calf. Then, he leaned forward as he was talking and I leaned forward too....and we kissed, and that was pretty nice.

I ended up shooing the dog away, and he ended up sitting on top of my lap facing me as we made out. Then he said it would probably be more comfortable in the bedroom, so we headed there.

I took off his shirt, and although he claimed he was a runner, I noticed he didn't have a runner's body..he had a little bit of a gut..and although he was slim, I was kinda disappointed.  Anyway, we continued to make out and touch each other..and then we jerked each other until we started kissing again and jerked ourselves off while making out.  Was nice..


Anyway, I haven't talked to him again. I don't know..sometimes you just don't feel it, right? I mean, I could probably call him and head there again..but, I'd rather not if the spark just isn't there.

Hump Day: Daniel Joseph