Personality Disorder

Apparently, that's what my readers think. That I'm somehow messed up. I've been told I'm narcissistic, arrogant, a hard time accepting reality, a hater, a name-caller and an asshole. Most of that is probably true.

But, I can tell you that I do not look in the mirror and kiss it. I am not in love with myself. I do not see perfection when I gaze at my reflection. It's quite the opposite.

Am I critical of others? Sure. Arrogant? uh, I may come across that way...but, it's not because of my high self-worth. I think it's because of my social ineptness..my uncomfortableness with others..and that stems, somewhat from my hidden sexual feelings.

I am not a hater.. I am quite the supporter of those who are in need of that support: those of a protected class, subject to discrimination, scorn and ridicule of others because of their race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation. Note, I do not feel that someone who is fat to be a "protected class", because for the most part, they are fat because of something they have control over. Someone who is black cannot change that. Someone who is gay cannot change their orientation.  Someone who smokes certainly can.

I know I'm a critical person. I suppose you can say (and some of you have) that I'm critical because of my unhappiness with myself.  Could be true.  Do I have any "disorders"? Well, I took a test..and here are the results.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Very High
Schizotypal Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:	High
Avoidant Disorder:	Low
Dependent Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

So, I'm Schizoid and Narcissistic according to this test.
According to this website: "People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. Unlike avoidants, schizoids genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived by others as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners.""

Part of that certainly is true. I do prefer being alone a lot of the time, have weak social skills and have no need for attention, although I do not avoid it or scared of it.  Humorless? No one would ever say that about me, although they may question my sarcastic humor.

A "Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recognize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them."

It seems that these two don't necessarily work together. How can I like being alone and not wish for popularity and seek attention and praise? I don't exaggerate achievements.

This test only proves one thing..but it's something I knew: I'm fucked up!

You can take the test too, and let me know (via comments) what your scores were.

FCKH8 (V)

FCK BULLIES by FCKH8.com: DON'T B H8N ON THE HOMOS! from FCKH8.com on Vimeo.


Making of Video: FCKH8 "STR8 AGAINST H8" 2011 Calendar from FCKH8.com on Vimeo.

FCKH8.com Straight Talk About Gay Marriage from FCKH8.com on Vimeo.

If I Had a Dollar

I'm rich! No..not really.

But, if I had a dollar for every visitor that came to my blog, according to my stats, I would be rich!

I've just surpassed the million mark! all this from one guy, who works full time, has a family, extra-curricular sexual activities - but I make the time to post almost every single day (think I haven't missed a day except for weekends since I started this piss ass blog!).  I also have issues programming the VCR sometimes..but, I was able to figure out how to do this whole blog thing. I'm amazed at the outpouring of affection (and hate too!).

Anyway..now I just have to figure out how to get all you visitors to send me a buck!  Anyone game? lol

Thanks everyone!

We Live in an Ugly World

If you haven't noticed by reading my blog, I'm a pretty superficial guy. I know I probably shouldn't be, but it's something I cannot control.  I go to a restaurant, and notice all the unhealthy eaters and it makes me sick  If I'm at a buffet, I notice all the out of shape over-eaters, filling their plates and going back for seconds, thirds, even more.  It ruins my appetite.

Likewise, I see people at the gym who should be running on the treadmills..for hours..and they're simply walking around, looking busy, but in actuality, doing nothing productive.  I saw this overweight person once in the gym and she kept walking aback and forth to the gumball machine, putting in quarters and filling her mouth with peanuts, time and time again.  About a half hour later, she left.  A good day's workout.

I go on vacation, and I see the same out of shape people, in the skimpiest of bathing suits, without a care of who is looking at their flabby stomachs and other assorted body parts.  I notice lots of people, who just are unkempt...bad complexions, bad skin, greasy hair, gross beards, facial hair, body hair...

I've just decided...the world is an ugly place.  My experience has been that most people in the world just aren't attractive.

Now, you may think that I must be a model in order to be so picky about appearances, but I will not say that I am even close to a model.  But, I do exercise..on a daily basis.  I also keep myself in presentable condition, shower and shave daily.  Trim my body hair, where appropriate.  I do my best with what's been given to me and hope nobody is looking at me and saying UGH!

But, for the most part, lots of the inhabitants of the earth could use a little "Self Help 101".  You don't have to be a model, you don't have to be on the cover of GQ..but, keep yourself clean, make an effort to keep in shape, at least for health reasons.

And, if you're next to me at a restaurant...please order a salad.!

Hump Day: Raymond Velazquez

What's It All About, Alfie?

It's not possible..it could cause my quick demise..and clearly..it's not what I really want. But, is it what YOU want? My readers?

I mean, I write this blog..which is probably 95% about my sex life, my views about sex, my sexual adventures and the inner torment of being a closeted bi, married guy..but, on occasion, I also write about current events, important news, maybe let my readers know about someone who needs help, or of someone who should get our collective disdain.

But, from the emails and comments I receive, not all of you appreciate the 5% that I write about. They are clearly here for the sex, and sex only.  How should I deal with that? I don't have the time, need or sexual ability to have sex every single day, with different people. Some would say I've already spread myself quite thin. Am I to slut around, just for the sake of blogging about it?

That's not what I want. The alternative is to only write when I feel the need to write..about sex only, leaving days, or weeks upon end without a blog entry. It seems that most bloggers do that..only write when something interesting or sexual happens in their life.

But, that's not what I want either. I write, because I want to. I look forward to getting thoughts on paper, so to speak. Sometimes it's political, even though I don't consider myself very politically knowledgeable. Sometimes, it's an ethical or religious question, when clearly, I am not ethical, nor very religious.

I want to be able to talk about current events that are heart-wrenching, because they weigh heavily on my mind. I want to let you know about a politician's skewed views, or a person's troublesome thoughts. I want to share videos I find funny, sexy, scary and dangerous.  I want to tell you about how I feel, what I'm thinking and let that be a springboard for others to share their thoughts too.

I want you to share your ideas with me, comment, send me emails about stories in your life, or sexual adventures that happen to you.  I want you to benefit from reading and taking part in this blog as much as I do, and look forward to reading it as much as I do writing it.

It can't always be about fun and sex. God willing, they'll be plenty of that. But, it can't always be happy-go-lucky.  When a shooting happens, I need to get it out of my head and on paper.  When someone says something antisemitic, homophobic or idiotic, I need to let you know. Life isn't always what we want..but, I hope you keep coming back for more.

Hair Salon

I went to the spa again. Nothing really new to report or anything exciting, except one guy.  He was tall, very tall for an Asian. Probably 6'1 or 6'2". Very thin..maybe somewhere between 145-155. Age: maybe 21-23. Very cute face.  Besides being a very good looking young man, I found him shaving. He was sitting next to me at the showers (yes, they have sit-down showers).

First he shaved his face. Then, everything else.He moved onto his chest.  There wasn't much hair there to begin with, but I appreciated his tenacity. He lathered up..and took the razor and shaved.  I was pretty quick and was mostly done, but continued to "play" in the water in order to stay and watch the site (as creepy as that may be). We smiled..but really nothing more.no conversation.

He moved to his arms..and armpits in particular.  He didn't shave them completely, but removed any hair on his inner arm- like on his inner bicep. He then shaved the lower arm pit -that spot almost on the inner chest area. This guy was the perfectly manicured specimen.

He then moved to his crotch and pubic hair.  Again, he didn't remove all his hair.  It was nicely cropped..and he just perfected the area by removing any stragglers..any too far up his stomach..any that crawled too low.

This guy finished and could have been a model. A nicely groomed one too.

How You Hanging?

From looking at pics on the internet on these various blogs and elsewhere, and from my own personal experience with men, it seems like everyone has a different method of stuffing their underwear.  You know what I mean, how to pack their cocks into their pouches.

I've seen the pics of these guys with huge cocks.  Looks like they bend it down, kinda stuff it under. I guess it works because if they let it be, they could be caught with a huge hard-on coming out of their pants. Ross used that method.  He was pretty big and I used to joke that he "Barbied" his cock - kinda tucked it under so he looked like a barbie doll. I know he was big, even when he wasn't aroused.

My method? I don't know..I guess maybe I'm not as well endowed as others. I don't really have a problem just pulling on my underwear and letting it be. I unfortunately don't have to tuck it under..don't think it would  stay where I put it anyway. I guess I'm more of a grower, rather than a shower.  I don't think I'm particularly  big when I'm soft.  But, I chub up nicely - maybe 7 inches and pretty thick. I've always been proud of my cock. Once, a girl in college described my cock as perfect..to me and others. Perfect thickness, perfect length.  I've never been embarrassed to be nude in front of others. 

How do you pack your baggage?

Extinction

It seems like a lost art...the end of an era..maybe it's evolution.  But, when I look online, it seems like there is a paucity of bottoms available. Everyone is a top.

Like the transformation of Republicans to Democrats a few years ago...or the transition of buyer's to seller's in the stock market..nobody remains as a bottom.   Lots of guys are declaring themselves as "versatile" which I envy.  I wish I could take it as good as I give it. That must be an awesome thing..to be able to fuck a guy and swap and get fucked all in the same session.  It's just not in me - no pun intended.

But when looking for a compatible mate - or mate of the day - I look and everyone is looking to top. Is it me or are the bottoms, like the dinosaurs of long ago, becoming extinct? Does nobody want to take it in the ass?  Can't say I blame them...it looks painful..but, I suppose there's an art to it..or practice makes perfect maybe.

It's just  hard enough to find someone compatible. Now that bottoms seem to be lingering in population...it's even harder.  Maybe we need to petition for more bottoms.  Maybe a campaign..

Change is good.

Hump Day: Ilhan Karabacak

30 years old from Brooklyn, New York. 6'0", 172 pounds..and apparently, a little bit freaky!

Response to Comment: Blood Libel

A reader recently commented about Sarah Palin's use of the word Blood Libel to describe the bad press she received in connection with the Arizona shootings.  He clearly supported her use of those words. Below is my response to him.


I apologize for spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors as this was done rather in a rush, on my home computer, which doesn't work well with blogger. However, I thought a response was important to post immediately.

Frank:



You are correct in a lot of the points you brought up. Sarah Palin is not responsible for the Arizona shooting. It was the concoction of a severely deranged mind that came up with the shootings. But, Palin's allowing targets to be placed on her website, whether done previously by Democrats or not, was, at the least, in bad taste. At the most, it could, and I said could, incite violence.

What if Laughner saw that website. What if next time, another person takes those seemingly innocent pictures of gun scopes and uses it as their motivation to hurt someone? To say "Democrats did it first" seems juvenile. Palin is supposed to be positioning herself as a Presidential hopeful, and what we get from her is bad role modeling and cry baby antics.


Innocently enough, again, Palin used the words "Blood Libel" in her remarks about the flak she received about the shootings. However, a Presidential candidate should choose her words wisely and set an example. Sometimes words alone can incite violence, against a Democratic foe or a ethnic population.

You are correct, a Blood Libel was a technique used by the Nazis and other anti-Semites to whip up hatred against Jews. It, however, has been used as early as the the year 415 and maybe before, It wasn't simply a joke. And it clearly wasn't just words. Any time a Blood Libel was used, it was an antisemetic remark, and usually followed by expulsions, pogroms and murders of thousands of Jews. Of course, the "clever technique" as you put it, also was used by the Nazis to denigrate the Jews so as to make them un-human. This technique resulted in the killing of six million Jews in the Holocaust. This technique also targeted Gypsies, homosexuals, Jehovah's Witnesses, and the disabled for persecution, killing a total, by some estimates, 11 million people.


You would think that any representative of the United States, a Judge, or even a company executive or any small business boss, much less a Presidential candidate, would be smart to avoid such inflammatory words such as Blood Libel to describe any such incident. An intelligent person would be similarly proper to avoid comparisons of falsehoods lobbed at her to Slavery, the Palestinian conflict, Japanese internment, or the bias against Islam or the Muslims or Homophobia.

The point is, that someone of modest intelligence should know better than to compare her inconvenience to the killing of more than 6 million people. For someone who aspires to be President, or a role model, Sarah Palin does not understand that.

I am hopeful that you do.

A future Palin response?

"Golly, gosh..The way people have come after me after this darn shooting is horrible. I'm not some slave cow-towing to the Massa, but I feel like I was just butt fucked before being nailed to a fence, like that Matthew Shepherd kid. I mean, Jesus Christ himself had less pain than me when nailed to that plus sign. It's clear I didn't just sneak across the boarder yesterday like one of the Mexican wetbacks. After all, I plan on fighting this defamation with all my resources..because I'm no freakin penny pinching Jew!"


Yes, Sarah..words do have more meaning than just a definition in a dictionary..they mean more.

Presidential v. Non Presidential

Apparently, there are some reader's of my blog that don't appreciate the political or current event  entries that I write about on occasion. They want sex...and sex only.

But, I can't help but write what I think..whether it's Walmart's lack of civility when it comes to gun sales, or publisher's willingness to deface a classic novel.  I also, am unable to keep pace with a 365 day sex escapade to be able to write about every day.  Although, I am trying!

But, I don't think I can let the events of the past week go by without commenting on a speech made by our President.

If you haven't heard it, you must. Even for those of you who are not Obama supporters, this speech, at least, I think we can all agree, is what a President's job #1 is: to support and inspire a nation when in need.





...and then, there's the Non-Presidential's...those that incite violence, those that are clearly not able to be inspiring in a time of our national need. To her, as often is, it's not about the nation, it's not about healing. It's not about how the events of the day affect the world, but how they affect her. It's all about Sarah.



Apportion blame?
Blood libel?

How about cross-hairs? How about inciting violence? How about treason?

Sarah Palin is clearly not Presidential material.

Icky

There's a lot out there. Sex, fetishes, and gross stuff too.  Stuff I wouldn't even think about doing. Not only that, but some people are proud of this stuff, and are blogging about it.

I've come across some out there blogs...and I'm probably going to add them to my blog roll at some time (once I get through the obligatory blog roll swap authorization). Their names include words like "Cum Dumps", "Raw", "Slut", and an especially shocking blog that actually is written by two dudes who "count the loads ". Yes, they have a running total of how many loads each has taken - and these loads are not taken in condoms..there splat down in their asses. Really? Camon! Don't these guys read the papers? Magazines? Watch TV? I mean, that's beyond "Risky" sexual behavior..it's downright suicidal.

Why would I add these to my blog roll, or even read these blogs? It's fascinating to me..the life these guys lead. Their super-sexually active exploits are interesting reading material.

They make me look tame.

Be A Slave

I know most of you are looking for something kinky here. You know, BLM finally comes to terms with his fetishes..he dons the leather, crop and chains..puts on a zippered hood. Wrong guys!  This post is actually..cerebral (despite what some of you had commented that you're only here for the sex stories!)

Believe it or not, an upcoming edition of Mark Twain’s classic novel will replace all instances of the “n” word present in the text with the word "slave", according to Publishers Weekly. Seriously? Camon! Are we now changing history? Amending maybe one of the greatest novels of all time?

"This is not an effort to render Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn colorblind,” Gribben told Publisher’s Weekly, speaking from his office at Auburn University at Montgomery. “Race matters in these books. It's a matter of how you express that in the 21st century.”

What would Mark Twain say?  Yes, the "n" word appears in the book 219 times (no I haven't counted - it's based on web site accounts).  The book is an account of our history and race relations in the past.  It should foster talk about racism, and why the "n" word was used, it's meaning, and why it is not to be used today.  It should be used as a teaching tool.

Anyway, I don't know of many African Americans who would be happy to be called "slave".  Try that at your local hangout.  From what I understand, the word slave isn't any compliment.

New Books Coming to a Book Burning Near You:

* Nazis swastikas to be replaced with pictures of Sesame Street's Elmo with a big red "X" through it.

* "Moby Dick" will be called "Moby Member".

* "The Scarlett Letter" previously about the punishment of a woman required to wear an "A" on her clothes for adultery will be amended to require the letter "B" for Bad.

* The pig in Charlotte's Web will be changed in deference to offended pigs everywhere.

Save Money. Live Better.

That's their saying..the "catch phrase", their advertising slogan. Walmart is the world's largest public corporation by revenue.  This American company has 8,500 stores in 15 countries, with 55 different names. Each week, about 100 million customers, nearly one-third of the U.S. population, visit Walmart's U.S. stores. Walmart customers give low prices as the most important reason for shopping there, reflecting the "Low prices, always" advertising slogan that Wal-Mart used from 1962 until 2006.

In 2006, it unveiled a new slogan: "Saving people money so they can live better lives". The top US company also has been the top contributor in donations. From Hurricane Katrina, donations to organizations like Children’s Miracle Network, the Salvation Army, United Way and food bank America’s Second Harvest. But supporting it's communities should not stop at it's store doors.

Arizona Shooting suspect Jared Loughner, 22, faces five federal counts, including two charges of murder which could bring him life in prison and the death penalty if convicted.  He is accused of the rampage that killed six and injured 14, one of whom was a 40 year old Congresswoman who remains gravely wounded and in intensive care as a result of a bullet to her head. She was the initial target of his assault for her political views and Loughner's anti-government rantings.  A US District judge and a 9 year old were amung those killed.

But, where does the Walmart connection come in? Hours before, Laughner walked into a Walmart store to purchase the ammunition he used to kill and maim.  Walmart, the American institution, dedicated to helping through it's charitable ways sells guns, bullets and accessories right along next to its electronics, groceries and health supplies. It's not the first time the number one retailer has been linked to supplying arsenal for someone to commit a crime.

Saving people money so they can live better lives? It's good to know that Mr. Laughner purchased his bullets at a steep discount.

Hump Day: Nick Odio

Bucking a Trend

Boston Herald sportswriter Steve Buckley recently revealed that he is gay in one of his columns.

In the column, titled "Welcome to my Coming-out party," Buckley says that he had intended to tell his readers--and his listeners who hear him talk about Boston sports on local radio--about his sexuality years ago, after his mother, who had been worried about the public reaction to such an admission, changed her mind.

In a career that is typically homophobic (sports writer, and sports in general) Mr. Buckley's admission is a brave and thought-provoking column.  It is about his being more involved with his gay brethren and community, but more importantly, it is about keeping a promise he made to his mother.

Here is his column:

Welcome to My Coming-Out Party
 

A candid admission: There was a time when I hated it when my mother would call with an urgent request that I drop everything to take her shopping.

These trips often involved the pursuit of trivial items — shoes, a table lamp, frozen strawberries. Or scatter rugs: In any given year, my mother would acquire enough scatter rugs to cover every inch of the playing field at Fenway Park including the bullpens.

I, on the other hand, had much more important things to do — such as go on the radio to share my concerns about the depth of the Patriots’ special teams, or take Dan Duquette to task over his stated belief that Jose Offerman was going to replace Mo Vaughn’s on-base capabilities.

But my mother’s calls were not really about shopping, of course, but about enjoying life — getting out of the house, hearing news about what’s going on with the family, maybe even quizzing me about my job, though she was no sports fan at all and didn’t know Johnny Damon from Johnny McKenzie.

And the truth of the matter is that, as my mother aged, even as she was being treated for cancer, she had become wonderfully anecdotal, using her sharp mind to share stories about her younger days that might otherwise have been lost to the passage of time were it not for these midweek Scatter Rug Adventures.

Just over seven years ago, before Thanksgiving, we were getting into the car outside of a CVS when my mother said, “I think you should go ahead and do that story you’ve been talking about.”

“Really?”

“Yes,” she said. “Just go ahead and do it. And then we’ll have a party.”

She was talking about the story in which I would say that I am gay.

(I guess I’ve kind of buried the lead here, which, I admit, has been a common complaint about my writing over the years. But what the heck: The headline has already given away the story, and, anyway, what happened that day seven years ago is central to why I am writing today.)

My mother and I had already had the gay talk, during which she had told me that nothing had changed, that she loved me, asked if I was seeing anybody, and so on. What she didn’t like was the idea of me coming out publicly; she was of the opinion that it was really nobody’s business, and she worried that prejudice might disrupt my career.

But like an NFL referee, she had overturned the original call. “Do it,” she said. I thanked her. She smiled. And then I made the biggest mistake of my life: With a vacation lined up for the first week of December, I told her I’d get to it when I returned to Boston — just before Christmas.

The vacation came and went. The day after I returned to Boston, I received a call from the Lifeline people telling me my mother was being rushed to Mount Auburn Hospital, where she had undergone radiation therapy during the summer. The family gathered at her side. The next morning, she suffered a heart attack. She died a few days later.

There was a funeral at Doherty’s, and then a very soulful, reflective Christmas. And then a Super Bowl, and then spring training. The story didn’t get done. Whenever I revisited the idea of coming out, I’d foolishly dwell on how it was to have been a big family event, my mother pulling everyone together. When that was lost, I guess I lost my way.

Now I’m not going to suggest that these past seven years have been filled with sadness and dread, for the reality is that I’m a pretty happy guy — great family, great friends and a job I truly enjoy, even if, OK, I probably talk too much about the ’67 Red Sox, the “Godfather” movies (“I” and “II,” but never “III”) and postseason pitching rotations.

But I’ve put this off long enough. I haven’t been fair to my family, my friends or my co-workers. And I certainly haven’t been fair to myself: For too many years I’ve been on the sidelines of Boston’s gay community but not in the game — figuratively and literally, as I feel I would have had a pretty good career in the (gay) Beantown Softball League.

Over the past couple of months I have discussed the coming-out process with my family and a few friends, and have had sit-downs with Herald editor-in-chief Joe Sciacca and sports editor Hank Hryniewicz, as well as with WEEI’s Glenn Ordway. They’ve been great, as have my friends and family.

But during this same period, I have read sobering stories about people who came undone, killing themselves after being outed. These tragic events helped guide me to the belief that if more people are able to be honest about who they are, ultimately fewer people will feel such devastating pressure.

It’s my hope that from now on I’ll be more involved. I’m not really sure what I mean by being “involved,” but this is a start: I’m gay.

His Perogative

I harbor no resentment, believe me.

I posted a few weeks ago I Need A Break, and as usual, added some salacious pics of some man, shirtless, I'm sure..I'm also pretty sure he was smooth, white, hot...my type.

I get an email the next day, saying essentially, that the model who was in the blog post was not gay, not bi, and does not want to be associated with my blog.  Please remove him from the post.  To which, I responded, gladly, my mistake. I removed him and replaced the pics with some other hot, smooth, salacious guy.

I get a follow up, after I removed the person from the post, saying that they represent the model and that he insists that I remove him from the post.  Done! I said.

Hey, I don't have a problem with someone telling me that the pic I post is their property, that they don't want to be associated with my blog. It's right there under the Disclaimer on my blog.  I get my pics on my travels around the internet - other people's sites, websites, etc.  I used to get anonymous emails from someone...it was weird. Started out as once a day, then twice a day..it got annoying at some point, but, the person sent me pics of guys..sometimes 2 pics of a guy..sometimes a whole series -  totally unsolicited. A lot of those pics I've saved to use on my blog.
 
But, I got to thinking.. If you're a model, gay, straight, or whatever..who cares if you're on a gay/bi website? You took the picture..it's supposed to be art. You posed for it..you supposedly agreed to the pose and how you were depicted. They say any advertisement, even bad advertisement is good advertisement. It gets you noticed..gets your face out there. Creates a buzz maybe, if you're lucky.

And...why was this guy looking on my blog anyway? Just checking to see who is using his pics? Maybe he does have some interest.

Sir, Yes Sir!

Per Dictionary.com: 

Submissive:

–adjective

1. inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants.

2.marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

 ***

Now, I have insisted that I'm not aggressive sexually. I have never promised anyone or acted in a way that would suggest that I am aggressive sexually.  I'm not into bondage, not into torture, I don't even get off in giving someone orders. I likewise, am not looking for someone who is submissive.  I prefer a mutually satisfying sexual encounter where I am into someone so much that I want to do something..anything to them and they feel the same.  But I find that type of relationship is very hard to come by in the bi/gay world.

Just a search of "submissive men" on the internet (the only reliable source for information) shows a varied playground of what I consider disgusting and nasty behavior and rules:

Submissive Rules
Commands...
1. Silence: Lower eyes and be silent.
2. Present: Stand or kneel, remove cloths and cross wrists behind back, eyes lowered.
3. Restrict: Simply cross wrists behind back.
4. Rest: Sit on heels, legs spread and hands (palms up) on top of legs.
5. Submit: Sit on heels, lean forward until head touches the ground. Place arms overhead with palms up and wrists crossed.
6. Expose (or Gorean) Submit: Sit in heels, lean back until your back rests on the ground and keeping legs wide apart, place your hands over your head with wrists crossed.
7. Attend : Adhere to preset tasks for the pleasure of the Dominant
8. Relax : Clear your mind and follow slow breathing techniques
9. Resume: Cancels Previous Command.

Other Common rules...
a) Always ask permission to release (orgasm).
b) Never be disrespectful to your master or OTHERS.
c) Never allow yourself to be hit with whip or crop on the tailbone, head or neck.
d) Do not allow permanent injury, scaring, cutting, burning.
e) Do not submit to be passed around as as a sexual favor between Doms (unless this makes you happy).
f) Respect the use of a safe word like "daffy" to stop unwanted activity.
The safe word should always be an 'out of place' word.
g) Never leave nipple clamps on for more than 15 minutes even not if in an online session. Allow blood to circulate.
h) Always ask for "Mercy"or use a preset "safe word" if suspended and limbs become cold or numb.

All this discussion has been brought up because of my inability to find someone who is willing to enter into a mutually consenting and fulfilling relationship.  Is it that much to ask for that someone enjoy being with me sexually, without being submissive?

I've been speaking with this guy...says he's gay, but not out, lives alone, looks hot..and is ddf..also, could care less that I'm married...all pluses.  Once I find a person who seemingly is match, I get pretty excited. We continue talking about what we're into etc..again..all good.. until he says "... I'm a bottom, etc."

"Etc?" what does that mean? (I've learned to decipher these subtle connotations)
"I like to be submissive too that's all" he says.

So, does that mean he's into all the nasty stuff above? That's not for me.

Travolting

I'm at a holiday lunch. A small group sitting enjoying our once a year meal together.

Five guys and a girl. Everything's fun, civil and nice.  Then up comes the topic of John Travolta.

"Can you believe people say he's gay?"
Oh god...here it comes!

"Yea, well, everyone knew he was a fudge-packer" someone says.

"Yea, that goes around a lot in the Hollywood circles. Everyone does everyone else" someone chimes in.

"Rock Hudson, Cary Grant, Liberace, John Travolta - everyone's having a rotating sex of the day. One day you're straight, the next your fucking some guy. I don't know how they do it." a guy says.

All the while I'm uncomfortable, but quiet.
I'm thinking though: How they do it? Come here hot stuff, I'll show you how we do it!

Hump Day: VA "Matt"

6'2" tall and 164 pounds. Could his proportions be any better?
Well, apparently they grow them good in Illinois!

The Hits Keep A-cumin!

I swear..half the time I don't pursue guys that I think are too young for me, but, somehow, I guess I'm an attractive alternative for these guys. Some guys never pan out..like that guy that hit me up last week. As some of you have suggested, he never followed though. Oh, well, I guess I could have named this post "When It Rains It Pours."

A 27 year old emails me online. Stats: 6'0" 160 pounds, (yea, nice and thin like I like), brown hair, smooth (another plus), white guy who lives very close to my job. He's emailed me before, but again, I didn't pursue anything and things ended with a few back and forth emails.  Yesterday, he contacted me again saying he was home alone and horny.  Soon, I was on my way to his place, with a brief stop at a store to pickup condoms.

When I got there, he answers the door in a towel - as he was just getting out of the shower. I got in, and followed him to his room.  I showed him the condoms that I bought and he started scavenging for some lube..so we would be all set. Then, he dropped his towel and said "well, I don't want to be the only naked one, so you gotta undress."  I quickly complied.

He was lean, had lots of freckles on his body, all over his back mostly. He was a pretty cute guy. We made out for a short while and then he sucked on me until I got hard (which didn't take long). I stroked his body, and he seemed to especially like me playing with his perky little nipples as we kissed. He briefly turned over when I coaxed him to see his ass and he showed me a very fine one at that.

Then, he turned back around and my rock hard cock was ready for action.  I grabbed a condom, he grabbed the lube.  He lubed his ass as I slid on the condom and I added some lube to my now covered cock.  He then grabbed the "poppers" and said something about getting ready because he's anticipating being hurt.  I don't know if that was some kind of a compliment on my size ..but I assured him my intention wasn't pain.

I slid my cock..which surprisingly went in pretty easy (yea, I didn't have to get a hand assist). As we laid quietly against each other, and kissed I slowly withdrew my cock a bit and then pushed in. Soon his legs were up by my shoulders as we were fucking with some purpose.

He soon said he was going to cum and as he blew a pretty big load on hos stomach, I fucked him harder until I was ready to explode.  Then, I took my cock out, ripped off the condom and blew it on his chest, making quite a combined mess.

We cleaned up and returned to bed, where he laid on my chest and we talked for a little. It was nice to have a hot body next to mine and feel some bit of closeness.

It was time to go and I got dressed. We planned on seeing each again.

Beyond Help

I'm beyond help. I know it. I've passed the point of saying "thing's could be different" or "I can change who I am."

I've fucked around for too long. I've broken the vows of marriage, friendship and any other promises that were made. I can't take things back that were done. I don't have the power to fix how I am, or what I do. I've been there, done that. I know that eventually, the calling will come again, and all the self-promises in the world will not prevent me from cheating again.

I don't make resolutions anymore.  I know they are to be broken. I'm not writing this post out of depression, anxiety or anger. I write it out of reality...I've long past coming to terms with the ways of my life.

This New Year is much like the Old Year.

Happy New Year to all my readers...hope this year brings a resolution to calm out inner demons and resolve to live with them peacefully within.