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I guess it's just a matter of philosophy. I know I'm pessimistic. I'm a glass half empty type of guy. My wife? She's very optimistic..and a glass half full type.
We got to talking. She's been having..let's say, "issues." She doesn't know why, and she's been to the doctor. Of course, the doctor prescribes what every housewife is taking..some anti-depressant. I wasn't happy about it.
Why does she need it? She feels down sometimes, feels like she's on edge. It has nothing to do with me. Some days she feels she has little tolerance for the kids, she's anxious, nervous, upset, depressed. We discussed how she is feeling..I was there for her..told her she's fine..that everyone feels that way. That she's a great mother and everyone loves her. But, ultimately, my reaction? Welcome to my world.
Yea, I told her that's life. Everything she's going through and feeling sometimes, well, that's how I feel sometimes too. That's life isn't it? Does anyone walk around with a smile on their face always? Life isn't unfortunate things that get in the way of a normally happy time. To me, it's quite the opposite: it's a normally miserable time interspersed with some happiness. The key is appreciating the happy times when they come, cause right around the corner is more shit to slap you in the face.
As we grow up, we gain responsibilities. School becomes more important, there's relationship issues, job issues, money problems. As we age further, what do we have to look forward to? Our parents becoming ill and eventually dying. Introduce me to someone who will not have a parent, relative or loved one die..you can't! It's inevitable. Not a fun time..I can tell you from experience. Once we get past our parents and other relatives dying..it's our turn! Soon we become sick, unable to do the things we used to. Then we become a burden upon our kids. Such is life.
I know..there are happy occasions. Births, marriages, buying your first car, house, vacations..celebrations. Family holidays. They're all great, but they do not happen every day. Life is full of crap..and the happy times are just interspersed in between.
My wife thinks life should be fun always. I think most girls think that. They're brought up in the world of Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Pretty Woman, and the Kardashians. Nobody worries about money, nobody gets sick and dies. There are no fights or arguments. They all live happily ever after. It's not real..but, girls think that's the way life should be. Realizing that Realty TV doesn't depict the real life drama of everyday life is downright depressing.
I don't believe that life is a bowl of cherries. Yea, I know..I've got issues too. But, I'm realistic..I may need medication myself..but, it is what it is.
Life sucks..then you die.
I guess it's just a matter of philosophy. I know I'm pessimistic. I'm a glass half empty type of guy. My wife? She's very optimistic..and a glass half full type.We got to talking. She's been having..let's say, "issues." She doesn't know why, and she's been to the doctor. Of course, the doctor prescribes what every housewife is taking..some anti-depressant. I wasn't happy about it.
Why does she need it? She feels down sometimes, feels like she's on edge. It has nothing to do with me. Some days she feels she has little tolerance for the kids, she's anxious, nervous, upset, depressed. We discussed how she is feeling..I was there for her..told her she's fine..that everyone feels that way. That she's a great mother and everyone loves her. But, ultimately, my reaction? Welcome to my world.
Yea, I told her that's life. Everything she's going through and feeling sometimes, well, that's how I feel sometimes too. That's life isn't it? Does anyone walk around with a smile on their face always? Life isn't unfortunate things that get in the way of a normally happy time. To me, it's quite the opposite: it's a normally miserable time interspersed with some happiness. The key is appreciating the happy times when they come, cause right around the corner is more shit to slap you in the face.As we grow up, we gain responsibilities. School becomes more important, there's relationship issues, job issues, money problems. As we age further, what do we have to look forward to? Our parents becoming ill and eventually dying. Introduce me to someone who will not have a parent, relative or loved one die..you can't! It's inevitable. Not a fun time..I can tell you from experience. Once we get past our parents and other relatives dying..it's our turn! Soon we become sick, unable to do the things we used to. Then we become a burden upon our kids. Such is life.
I know..there are happy occasions. Births, marriages, buying your first car, house, vacations..celebrations. Family holidays. They're all great, but they do not happen every day. Life is full of crap..and the happy times are just interspersed in between.My wife thinks life should be fun always. I think most girls think that. They're brought up in the world of Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Pretty Woman, and the Kardashians. Nobody worries about money, nobody gets sick and dies. There are no fights or arguments. They all live happily ever after. It's not real..but, girls think that's the way life should be. Realizing that Realty TV doesn't depict the real life drama of everyday life is downright depressing.
I don't believe that life is a bowl of cherries. Yea, I know..I've got issues too. But, I'm realistic..I may need medication myself..but, it is what it is.
Life sucks..then you die.
9 comments:
There is a difference between real depression and having the blues. Diagnosable Depression involves changes that substantively affect ones quality of life, such as major changes in sleep cycle or appetite even inability to find pleasure in those special events that normally you would enjoy. Being a glass half empty person is something different. You likely don't need and should not be on any medication.
It is when those things that you normally would find happiness in no longer bring any joy that you may be depressed. When your kid's successes make you feel like less of a success. That family vacation leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Or when the hottie in the gym does nothing for you but who'd normally have you hammering nails with your hard-on.
That is depression and it really isn't about half-full or half empty because the milk was already spilled. If either of you are there meds and therapy are in order.
Bilike, do you think she is going through her change of life??? Men don't go through it so we don't know the rotten process that a women goes through. I don't know if a little Lovi'n or Touchy Feely would help. I know that a wife goes through many different changes and they don't communicate any of those feeling to us men.
It is a real challenge. No matter how much her body changes, you know that you Love Her. Amen
Good essay; good comments -- menopause is very likely part of this. I imagine that RadicalJoe is right in suggesting that the best medicine will be to communicate love to her, even if you don't totally feel like saying it. Force yourself. It will be worth the effort.
However, you don't have any real emptiness in your glass unless and until you lose a child (or if you don't have children at all). With your parents, it's tough, but expected and, as you say, inevitable. Losing a child is a different dimension.
So long as your kids are both alive, reasonably healthy and not in fierce, pitched rebellion, you and your wife have nothing, really, to complain about.
Recently some friends of ours lost their son in a bike accident; hit by a truck on a dark road. If she could put herself in their shoes for a moment and compare their situation to hers, she would be ecstatic that she has doesn't have to go to a cemetery to be with her boys.
I don't know whether it would help to point this out to her, but it might. Every day that she has her life and her kids (not to mention her handsome, intelligent husband), is a day in which she should rejoice.
BiLikeMe,
Your provocative post that showed your own cynicism about life got me to think a lot about how we secret bi or gay married men often live with this constant sense of life not having real meaning - mostly in a way we are not aware of. I started writing you my own thoughts on this and it was way too long - so I posted a reply to your blog on my own. I really do feel very much like you a lot, and so do many others like us. But I also think we need to take more control over why we feel that way, and make whatever changes we can- we have just one life and deciding it is mostly negative is just giving into those voices that say, you are not good enough, so life won't be good enough.
I hope you can find some more balanced place to be yourself, and value your own true nature, even when there is not another man to be with, and you remain in your own secret place. You are a searching, sensitive, and clearly very sensual and sexual man. You have a lot to give and lots of true pleasure to gain. I wish you well in sorting this all out.
J and BLM,
Neither of you understand the first thing about depression. I'm not saying your wife is medically depressed, but IF SHE IS and you have even a nodding aquaintance with the medical condition known as depression, you would understand that asking her to compare herself to someone whose child has died is not going to be of much help. I can't think of a much crueler way to approach a depressed person.
Perhaps you should make sure she sees her physician. He can determine if she's suffering from perimenopausal symptoms, actual depression or maybe just a case of the blues. Whether your wife should be on meds or not is a decision best left to her physician. What medical school did you attend that qualifies you to be "unhappy" about a decision to place her on antidepressants? They can be used off-label for perimenopausal sxs, as well. Perhaps you should accompany her to her next visit and speak to her physician if you are so concerned. I'm sure her doctor would find your "concern" enlightening.
BLM, when Radical Joe has more compassion for your wife than you do you need to take a good look at your attitudes towards this woman. I know I'm a broken record but if there is anything that has more clearly demonstrated your total contempt for this woman, I can think of no better illustration than that.
HI- I did not know you were such a pessimist .
In the end life is dificult and you are alone after all- you wife needs support from you but in the end it all depends on her.
For you being such a pessimist there is an important lesson to learn:
integrating disease, loss of loved ones and not to forget loss of your athletic body in the end.
If you manage to age -accepting all this - you might end up happier in 20 years.
Asking old people what makes them happy they often tell you that they feel less stressed, they have learned their lesson and highly appreaciate wisdom.
Let us hope that one day being asked about the best years in your likfe you can always say the last 5 years .
Enjoy christmas and greeting from Europe
The anti-depressants will help her, no matter what. And yes, you might benefit from a pill too!
Merry Christmas! I hope you find some joy and peace.
XO FFB
I don't think you're a pessimist. I think you're a realist. A pessimist is absolutely miserable and finds no value in anything; you're not that way.
Menopause, hormones and mood swings are all too real. But who knows what her issue really is? It also goes back to the family tree that you brought up a while ago. I think we learn our coping skills from our parents, which is quite scary.
In today's enlightened world, I think too many people need to take a good honest look a what is worth being depressed about. Untimely death, illness, impoverishment--these are the things that are worth pity, and only time, back bone, hard work and luck are going to change them.
The question is, who wants to do the work?
Family, kids, the responsiblity of all this is challenging. We can get through all this - if we have someone we can count on.
I found it very interesting how you described her, her problems - like they have nothing to do with you.
But they do have...first questions:
Is your wife happy in your relationship? Does she have the feeling you have her back? Does she feel loved (and I don't mean the sex, I mean the little touches, the smiles, the hugs,the right questions)?
It's not only you who "suffers" because of your problems. You can't imagine she does not feel something is wrong and missing? You feel depressed and - honestly sound very sarcastic about life - because you are not comfortable in your own life and relationships. Don't you think she feels the same?
It's not enough to have kids, house - she needs a real partner, too. Like the one you are searching for.
It's a pity that you won't want to be the one.
Come cleen with your own life and give her the chance to find someone who wants to commit to her 100% - not keeping on hold to search further. That's not fair to her and your kids.
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