Bi Like Me Redux: A Cold, Cold World

I'm a summer boy.  Love the sun, love the beach, prefer sweating to freezing my ass off.  I also hate the short days of winter..waking when the sun is still down, and getting home from work after the sun has set. It's like I'm a vampire...

Summer's also the time when I can feel free and take off my shirt..playing or working outside, at the beach..and appreciating the hot bodies around me.  Winter time, we're all wrapped up tight..covered from head to toe.  Even now, early December, its starting to get pretty nasty out.  It's been a pretty rainy couple of days and with the cold wind and nasty weather its pretty raw out.  Makes me want to crawl into bed..cover up, and never come out.

I've already told you I've decided to delete all emails or comments I get that are unusually or unnecessarily nasty.  If you're going to comment, I have no problem taking criticisms, but nastiness won't be tolerated.  This isn't a hate blog..

Hmm..what else..pretty horny today..I'm doing my best to stay on the so-called "wagon", but its tough.  There is a guilt that comes with the life us bi, attached, guys lead.  The guilt of letting down our families and even ourselves.  We try..try as hard as we can to resist, but even Adam couldn't resist the bite of the apple.

I get in these moods..where I'm not feeling "sexual".  Not wanting to engage with anyone in a sexual way.  I think, maybe this will last.  Maybe I can make this permanent and return to my life, untortured.  But, you know as well as I, that eventually, there's a need, almost a gnawing desire to be with guy, and then, I'm in full-fledged sex addiction.

How do I overcome that?  How do you keep busy enough to avoid the temptation? For the past 20 years or so of my life, I have been unable to find that answer, that remedy.  Maybe shock therapy...hook me up, place the electrodes on my head..get the electric charge, better set it to "max", cause this craving is impossible to resist.

Maybe medication?  A pill in the morning..like "One A Day" vitamins (maybe even Man-Shaped like, Flintstones).  Or maybe twice a day..I think it would take a whole bottle. Is there any other medicine?  An injection?

Maybe I should just jerk off...watch some nasty pictures online ..probably some of the blogs I've listed here..there are some hot pics on those blogs.  I can watch..imagine, fantasize, then stroke one out. Finally, blow my load all over my chest..and relief.  Until tomorrow.

I don't know..jerking off hasn't been a big part of my life for a long time now.  Used to be that when I was a teenager, jeez, I'd jerk off two, three times a day.  Usually, I remember I had some stupid men's underwear catalog..I remember looking at those..and jerking off.  Or even a Playboy or Penthouse magazine.  Funny how the one's I'd find would always have the spread of the hot woman, with a guy in it.  It didn't happen often, but when it did, usually you'd see the guys body, maybe guy ass, and if you're lucky, some side guy cock.  That was jerk off material in those days.  Even back then I was into looking at guys..who knew that it would come to this.

In college, I still jerked off plenty, even though I was with lots of girls.  One girl used to come over pretty often..she used to tell her friends, I found out later, that I had a perfect cock-- just the right size--just the right thickness.  Makes sense now.  Even though she used to jerk me off a lot, we never had sex.  She must have just liked the feel of it in her hand (I wasn't into fucking her anyway).
But, since getting married...jerking off went by the wayside. In the beginning because we were newlyweds, and used to fuck like rabbits. In the latter years, when the kids came along, it became pretty impossible to find any decent private time to jerk off.

Now, I can pretty much hold off on having any sex or jerking off at all for a week or so, as I have the past week (has it been two!?). At some point though...I gotta get some release...it's just a matter of what type.

Bi Like Me Redux: Spit Out the Window

God, my post Phone Home where my wife discovered, 14 years ago, charges on our phone bill for a gay sex line really hit a nerve.  I got lots of comments and most of them were venomous!

I was asked: "Have you ever asked yourself, if your wife is still in the marriage, because she wants a husband and all, yet she knows all about you?"

I have considered this.  However, for more than 14 years, we've raised two great children.  I have been there for every milestone, every family function, every holiday.  I am active in their sports, their schooling and the choices that inevitably come up in the raising of these kids.  We vacation together, we have holidays together, we are a family oriented household.  There was never a moment after that phone bill that my wife would question my dedication to our household unit.  Therefore, I do not believe that she should suspect any impropriety.

People have called me "dirtbag", a "cheat" and that I'm living "a secret life, care more about finding some guy to have a lopsided relationship" that I'm in "a bad place", and that "neither of you is ever going to be really happy." Others asked whether I "really want to continue my life this way?"

To this I can reply, that of course, for selfish reasons, I would love to be honest with my wife and family, and ultimately, myself.  Yes, things would be easier.  My personal life would breath a huge sigh of relief and just maybe, I would finally be happy with myself.  The marriage?  Well, yes, maybe my wife would consider staying in it for the sake of the kids, then dump me at the opportune time.  Maybe she sticks with me, seeing my unwavering dedication to the family as a benefit outweighed by my adulterous ways.  Or, she could decide this isn't for her, not what she wanted.  She doesn't want to share her husband with another man.  In any case, perhaps the truth would set me free and ultimately that should matter most.

But, being unselfish is the path I take.  I have chosen to remain a dedicated father and seemingly wonderful husband  I chose that path for the mental well-being of my kids.  I have decided that my happiness should take a backseat to the happiness and well being of my family.  Can you look at that and say, ultimately, I am actually really being selfish by choosing this?  That the unselfish thing would be to set them free?  I guess, but, my view is that my kids are #1.  I think an intact family benefits the children.  Divorce plays havoc with children's lives.  Divorced children are more likely themselves to have divorces, have developmental issues, school issues, social issues--all life long impacts on their well-being.

When your actions can affect something you love so profoundly, what choice would you make?

To those who are so nasty as to call me a dirtbag, let's see how perfect your life is!  Are you out? To everyone? Have you been truthful and honest in your relationships? How about your relationship with God?  Do you attend your services religiously?  Live the perfect life?  What are you doing on the internet, looking at blogs with naked pictures of men?  Isn't that being dishonest to your partner? Is it something your partner knows about and has approved?  Would they?  If they don't know..then you are being deceptive.

If you think I causally go about my day without thinking about how my actions affect my family or me, you're wrong.  Read  Corporal Punishment,  Therapy, Repent, Asked And Answered Raising Cain, among others on my blog.  Those posts show you the constant emotional struggle I go through every fucking day.  Maybe I should take a gun to my head, drive off the nearest bridge, or down a handful of toxic pills.  Is that your objective?  Believe me, I've pondered those choices.  But, that's the coward's way out.  It's also the easy way out.  If my existence revolts you so much, get the fuck off my blog, please..and don't return.  And go live your perfect life....

....but I think you return because you see some similarity, some resemblance to your life.  We all have something in our lives that could use improving.  Relationships, stereotypes, opinions, values...they all could be tweaked or bettered.  I am not a car accident, that you can't help but stare at just because you are curious.  You're looking because you too drive the same roads, taking chances, speeding, disobeying the traffic signs of life.  Please, make sure you direct the venom you feel to someone who deserves it, because should I see you on that road, broken down, or in an accident, you'll probably want me to stop and help you too...not spit at you out the window.

Remember: Spit out the window of a moving vehicle often comes back to hit you in the face.

Hump Day: Just a Bit of Hair

Hope you guys have been enjoying re-reading some of my previous posts. I don't want to drive anyone away, so, there will be new posts.

In mid-August, it will be my one year anniversary of blogging.  I hope, by then to be able to start posting some new stuff more regularly.

Until then..enjoy!

***

It's that special little place...
Right when you move..from a smooth upper torso..down to the belly, with a little path of happiness.






Pulling down the top of the briefs just a little. You see the darkness..the change in tourain from ice to hot..from relatively smooth to a courser area.

Then you expose it all..a nicely cropped, trimmed bush of pubic hair. It makes you aware that fun is on the way.  That hottness is nearby.

That you've reached your destination.

(Tomorrow..more drama).

Bi Like Me Redux: Phone Home

If you've read my blog from the beginning (and if you haven't, why are you starting here?) you know my experience with guys was limited before I got married.  Well, a few years after I got married, before the Internet age (it actually wasn't that long ago that the Internet didn't have much porn, or gay hook-up sites, and was mostly informational--how boring!) I saw an ad in the back of some newspaper for some Gay Hookup Phone Number.  Being curious, I called.

Well, it basically was a talk line..you hold on, and eventually get connected with other gay guys in your area.  There's lots of deep breathing, but mostly nothing going on.  But, being that this was my beginning stages, I kept calling.  Apparently, unbeknownst to me, this was a pay line..not a free line.  I found this out when, one day, I got home from work, and apparently my wife, who pays the bills, opened the phone bill to discover charges to some number totaling over $200.00!

When she told me, with tears in her eyes, I didn't know what to do.  We were basically newlyweds....and I had been secretly speaking to men behind her back.  As she cried..she told me she had called the number, out of curiosity as to what it was.  She was shocked to see it was a gay talk line.

I explained to her that I called the lines out of boredom..bored at work..not having anything do to, I called and talked to people.  She bought it..hook line, and sinker.

It was a big lie.  It may have been easier or even better at that point to say, "I'm Bi, I'm into guys too."  But, based on her reaction at the time, she would have left me -  I know it.  Also, at that time, I really hadn't explored men to the extent I have today.  Maybe, if I had my druthers, and I could do things over, things would be different.  But, its too late now.  Much too late.

We moved on from that phone bill.  We never spoke about it again, and I never, ever slipped up that way again.  But, that lie has snowballed for sure.  Trips with Ross were obviously not "business trips" as I described, and late nights at work weren't "long nights at the office".

It's a tangled web I weave...I'm not proud of it...

Bi Like Me Redux: Asked and Answered: Raising Cain

Another commenter:

 ***

Hey man,
Just wanted to write you a quick note to say that I read your blog every day and look forward to it.  I'm married with two small kids and feel like our situations are somewhat similar.  It has given me great hope to know that there are other guys out there "like me."   I know you get a lot of emails that say the same thing, but thought I would say it again.

I've been thinking a lot about the Charlie Brown post.  Sometimes I can understand where the guy is coming from.  See, you don't talk a lot about your family life and as a result sometimes you come off as obsessed with your boys - always texting, sneaking away, etc.  It probably is on purpose that you don't write about them, but the implication is that people might think you don't care as much as you do.  Speaking for myself, I struggle daily with the desire to go find a buddy, workout, work, and be a Dad.  I know you do to - but maybe if someone doesn't understand that the struggle is ongoing everyday they see a post about it awhile ago and then think it is gone.  Almost like "now I've said it, so there, I can move on."   It isn't that every post has to be heavy, but sometimes the infatuation seems like the most important thing in your life.  I'm wondering if he is responding to that. 

Anyway, I'd love to hear more about how you do balance everything and what the struggle is like as well as maybe some of your early stories - did you know you would do this when you got married, etc.    I know that I'm not the person that those closest to me think I am and I'm not at all like I thought I would be when I "grew up."  I'm guessing you aren't either - and I'm grateful for your sharing that.

 ***

The commenter brings up some good points..and I will try and expand on them.

I'm constantly feeling the pull between my family and my desire to be with another man.  There is always a conflict within me.  I thought, believed I made those conflicts clear in previous posts.    Aren't they?  Does not every reader realize how conflicted and emotional this all makes me?  Apparently, it hasn't been made clear enough.

The emotional roller coaster is terrible.  A long time ago, after I first got married and had my experiments with other men I would be wrought with guilt.  I'd swear off not only being with another man, but also everything associated with the action..like looking on the internet, chatting in chat rooms, etc.  It doesn't work.  The pull and attraction is obviously too great.

As with anything extreme, as time goes on, the shock value decreases.  I no longer get the guilt feeling I did before, and I don't even kid myself that I'll stay away from perusing the sites online.  It's like watching a "slash  movie".  The first time, you cover your eyes in horror, the tenth time, you have less horror, and by the twentieth time, you anticipate seeing it in delight.  It's why there are many proponents of not allowing children watch violence on TV.  Continued exposure makes children immune to it...we are raising Cain.

But, despite the absence of the horrid guilt I used to feel, I know I am not being truthful to my wife, family and ultimately, myself.  Clearly, because I have to be discreet and hide my actions, I obviously arrange my trysts so they have little impact on my time with my family.  They are often during the day, when I am supposed to be at work, or right after work.  Despite what some may think, I'm not missing soccer practice, school plays or family vacations in order to tend to my sexual fantasies.  It requires careful planning and obviously some untruths.

I have intentionally left out some information regarding my family life and the relationship I have with my wife, for privacy reasons and because I am uncomfortable revealing or talking about those issues.  I have thought about talking about it, but so far, have resisted.  Maybe this will be revisited at some time -  I haven't decided as of yet.

I am clearly not the person people see me as. Those who know me would be shocked if they knew of my real life - my true feelings.  In college, I was quite the lady's man  My friends, family and co-workers see me as a stable, smart, honest, hardworking, loyal and loving father.  I am obviously not all of those, but I can assure you I am definitely most of those. 

For those of you who don't understand, or what to know more about my struggles...read back.  There are many posts and will continue to be many posts littered with references and referring to my conflicts.  I try not to repeat this over and over, ad nausea, not because it doesn't exist, but doing so would not be mentally healthy for me, nor exciting for you.

Despite all the above, don't assume that my sexual encounters are taken lightly.  They are not.  It is a cross I must bear, and if I wasn't worried about the affect on my kids lives, clearly there would be an easier way out of the constant internal struggle that I go through.  I don't go there or do something because of my loyalty to them, and in spite of my unhappiness, I plod on..every day.

Bi Like Me Redux: Scare of a Lifetime

BLM Note: This STILL scares me to death.  Just reading this giv es me chills like it happened yesterday!

***
This is scary. Every bi, closeted guy's worst nightmare. The possible outing! (cue scary music, lightning and thunder).

I'm pretty careful in my dealings online. I don't use my real name, and rarely, if ever use a face pic. I also don't give out my phone number. But I had this crazy person (female) working in my office. Constantly coming on to me. Sending me emails, little post-it notes, text messages, and even facebook messages of of how cute I was. I was grossed out, not only because I thought that it was trampy, but also because I'm her boss, and I told her on more than one occasion that her comments were inappropriate.

Well, after I told her of my disdain for her actions, things finally calmed down. After about 6 months, she gave her notice. She was moving on. Thank god, I thought. However, this gave her the freedom to make any sexual comments she wanted without care if she gets fired (she was leaving in 2 weeks and frankly, we needed her to train the new person).

I get a text message saying "if you want me to bend over for you to put me over your desk, I will!" That was it. I had had it. This was beyond going over the line. I just told her how inappropriate it was, and how I wanted her to stop emailing me, texting me and the like. She says, "its ok, I know your secret. I know why your not interested in me." GASP!!!

WOW! That's a shocker. Beyond shocking..potentially devastating. The secret I've kept from everyone, from my family, from my friends, has now fallen into the hands of a psycho! Jeez, thank god I was able to dig that ditch deep enough that no one ever found her (ONLY KIDDING!)

Actually, I WAS freaking. I was speechless, and for the next 10 days, I ignored her every comment, and avoided any contact, either eye or otherwise with her. I was incredibly interested in finding out what she knew and how she knew it. But I didn't dare ask. I couldn't. How could I look her in the eyes, and deny what I know is true? It would be hard, that's for sure. I mean, maybe she had actual proof, like a friend she knows who I hooked up with someone or something. I have no idea.

I called Ross, I called Lance..I fucking IMed a few of the guys I "know". Nobody spoke with her, nobody knew her, nobody would betray my trust like that.

She left on the Friday that I had been out of the office all day. Good thing. That was something I didn't want to face. Phew! Tragedy averted. Breath..breath...sigh.

Bi Like Me Redux: Far From Flawless

Editors Note:

This is one of my favorite blog pieces.  I know, it's quite depressing.  But, honestly, it's how I feel...

***

I happen to love massages. I remember even when I was in high school, I'd get these girls to massage me for hours. I simply love a great, long, hard massage.

I've been going to this masseur. He has a great set up, a dedicated room, a table, lotions, hot towels, rocks, ..the real deal. He does a great job too...really enjoys it. I guess he enjoys the "canvas" that he's working on also, because he doesn't charge me for his nearly two hours of work he does on me when I come over. It's really a sweet deal. I've offered, but, he doesn't really need my money and says he loves working on me.

I assume being a masseur, especially one that works exclusively on guys, you get all types of clients. Most, I have found out, are touch-starved guys, probably for a reason: either their overweight or plain ugly. Others, are gay or bi guys that aren't out yet and this is their only sensual outlet.

We've agreed that our sessions have limits. There is no sex involved other than a "release" at the end. This guy isn't my type after all, so I'm not interested in any more. He is about 10 years younger than me. He rates me as one of the top two of his clients. The other? A 23 year old kid, who apparently has a great body and is very good looking. Being compared to a hot 23 year old..now that's a nice compliment!

He says he knows every piece of my body, every muscle, bone and mark. Every scratch, scar and blemish. He uses this word that is very hard to listen to when he talks about me. He says I'm "flawless". WOW! Why couldn't he be my type!

Now, let me say, I think I'm far from flawless and I tell him so. I must turn red with embarrassment as he tells me.

Flawless? I've now got little flecks of gray in my hair (ugh, some would say sexy) and I hate the way I look in the mirror as a side view (gotta keep doing those sit-ups). I have the tendency to break out on my back when I sweat and am very self-conscience about it, even though I'm the first to take my shirt off at the beach, at my ball games, driving in my car on a beautiful day or anywhere else partial nudity is allowed. I hate the hair on my ass but don't have the guts to shave it off and raise suspicion from my wife. I think the money I spend on Rogaine benefits Johnson & Johnson more than it benefits me--not a fair trade.

Flawless? I'm constantly thinking about what I eat, when I can eat, how much I can eat. I avoid the things I love, like cakes, cookies and snacks in order to stay trim and slim. I obsess over going to the gym (I go daily), and if I dare decide not to go to the gym one morning (oh my), rather than get that few extra hours of sleep, I'm up thinking in my crazy head "get to the gym fat ass, get to the gym..." I curse my advancing age. Its a tortured life (in more ways than one).

Flawless? I'm a straight acting family man, always looking at the hot guys around me, unable to act on my instincts. I'm a fabulous father, with a tremendous secret. I'm a hard working professional with the ability to multitask my work as I constantly peruse the Internet. I speak to clients as I look at hot men, read salacious stories and secretly wish I was having sex with my Internet fantasies.

Flawless? I go to the gym, watching for the slightest acknowledgment from a hot guy, hoping to make a connection. I eat lunch at the cafe, wondering if the smile I get from someone is a "have a good day" or "let's have a good day". I look at the UPS man, the Poland Spring water man and the Xerox Copy guy differently than any heterosexual man. I hit the beach with my family secretly salivating over the lean speedo laden lifeguards. I drink, eat, sleep sex.

Flawless? I chuckle at gay jokes my friends make. I elbow buddies when hot girls stroll the beach. I encourage oogling of the big busted bartender when I'm out for drinks. Yet, I walk the mall hoping the shirtless Abercrombie model gives me a "sign".

Flawless? I'm surrounded by family, friends and co-workers. I'm busy running a family and a business. My time is accounted for, my every moment consumed, connected in all ways via phone, computer and blackberry. I am constantly encumbered by the masses, yet always alone.

Flawless? I'm my own worse critic, seeing fat where it isn't, a wrinkle where there's none and every imperfection in a masterpiece.

Flawless? Jesus, Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder.

Hump Day

Bi Like Me Redux: Corporal Punishment

I had this feeling a while ago, and maybe you've had the same one. I obviously haven't been truthful and forthright to my wife and family about my bisexuality. But am I being punished?

Sometimes I feel that god is punishing me for my actions. I lose an aunt here, an uncle there. Then, a strange illness strikes a 5 year old nephew and he succumbs to his plight. Then my Dad. Where will it end? If its punishment..its the ultimate sentence. Destroy all who love me, and leave me remaining. After all, its only the survivors who suffer. I don't want it anymore..take me please!

When my Dad died, I was in a funk for a year. He was, by everyone's accounts, a wonderful man, father, husband and friend. He set a great example for his children and raised us right. He worked hard and loved harder. They are big shoes to fill. God damn impossible.

At some point, I went to visit my Dad's grave site. Placing my hand on the headstone, I cried "Help me Dad! Help me be better! Help me, remove my strife, relieve me of my burden! Make me more like you!"

I may seem happy, I may act great. You may say, he's handsome, he's got a wonderful family and wife. You see me from the outside..but you don't know my insides are a bubbling cauldron of deceit, lies, and evilness.

That's the way I feel sometimes.

Suicide?..Read this first

Bi Like Me Redux: If You Love Something...

When Ross and I broke up, I thought of that saying..

"If you love something set it free.

If it comes back to you its yours.

If not, it was never meant to be."

I had always hope Ross would realize how foolish he was being, how perfect we were for each other. We had many special times together. I missed him, did he miss me?

Well, after that traffic incident where I met Ross and he called, we have been in touch more. He IMs me from work and we've had normal conversations. Then...

Him: So are you coming to *** in September?

Me: Huh?

Him: Yea, like last year, aren't you coming?

Me: You're kidding, right?

Him: Why would I kid?

Me: I just..don't you think its kinda odd?

Him: Odd? How so?

Me: Ross, you haven't spoken to me in 3 months, you just assumed I was coming? That's kind of presumptuous.

Him: Well, I didn't assume, but I'm asking.

Me: I don't know, I have to think about it. It brings up all kind of issues.

Him: Issues?

Now, Ross never seems to see issues in life, whereas, I am full of them. He's pretty casual about things, seems kind of ..hmm..don't know what you would call it..flipit? Relaxed?

Me: Yea, Ross, issues. Am I getting my own room?

Him: Of course not.

Me: So I'll be staying with you?

Him: Yes, I would think.

Me: Are we sleeping in the same bed?

Him: I would hope so.

Me: (Thinking to myself: doesn't he get it? He doesn't.) So, do you want me there as a fuck buddy or to help you with work?

Him: Well, I wouldn't call it a fuck buddy. I want to spend time with you.

Me: Time? Where were you the past 3 months? Didn't have time for me then? Now, when you're going away for work, NOW you have time for me? Again, it seems odd.

Him: OK I was just asking. When I'm away, at least I have time. I have no time when I'm home. That's my life.

Am I wrong? I want to see Ross, I want to spend time with him..but, so many things go through my mind. Is he using me? For sex? For work?

Me: I don't know how I'm going to explain this to my wife. She knows we haven't been in contact in a while. If I tell her I'm going away with your for business, she'll ask if I'm being paid this time (previously I was helping out a "friend").

Him: OK..so stop beating around the bush..

Me: I'm not beating. If I come, I need to get paid. I'm working. If I don't get paid, not only will my wife be confused, but I will to. If nothing happens sexually between us, then that's fine. But I need to know that I'm at least there to do a job I'm being paid for, and you know I'll do a good job.

Him: I'll have to try and get approval for that

Me: OK, let me know.

You are now up to date on my life. It took a while, but all my posts were important. I know, I've made promises about Ross, never again...too young....not right...but, alas, I love him!

Now I need YOUR HELP! I'm on the horns of a dilemma. DO I go with Ross? Enjoy my time with him while I can? Blow it off and suffer without him? HELP!!! YOUR COMMENTS ARE NEEDED!

Bi Like Me Redux: A Real Love Part II

So, everything was going well with Ross. We saw each other almost everyday. We definitely kept in touch. I remember times when I would be talking to him via IM him from work..all day. We'd both be hysterical. I'd be crying because I'm laughing so hard. Why can't it always be that way?

I have to tell you, all this is very recent for me. It brings up a lot of emotions still. Ross and I ended our relationship in May. In actuality, I would say it ended in December 2008, because as of that time, I noticed a change. Ross' work exploded, I mean, he got incredibly busy. With work, as all of you employed individuals know, comes stress. As it turns out, it was no longer me trying to find time to see Ross in my busy work and family life, but Ross being unable to break away from a conference call, a meeting or trip. Our morning workouts became less frequent. The afternoon trysts, less available. The IMs, texts and good nights and I love yous were replaced with silence.

The last trip we went on in May, was terrific, for the most part. In the beginning, Ross and I were alone on our trips, but now, because of his success, Ross had other associates along too, although we were the ones secretly sharing a room. Our time alone, was like old times and I mentioned that this is how I love to be. Together, spending time alone. But, it wasn't possible anymore for him and of course, I understood that. But, if I was unable to deal with his time constraints, then it wasn't going to work. I told him, as much as it pains me, I have to give it up then. I said, if you really wanted to see me, you'd make the time. But he said that there just isn't enough time in the day for his work and me and it was too much pressure on him knowing I am out there..waiting for him at the gym, or wanting to see him, or waiting for a call or text for him to deal with.

I know there wasn't another man, woman or animal involved, just so you know. One day, Ross will be famous, rich, and all his hard work will be worth it. Its something he's dreamed about since he was a child. I couldn't stand in the way of that. It stressed him out knowing I was unhappy, which I was.

Since Ross and I broke up, I've had my sad moments. I intentionally keep myself busy, trying not to think about him. He was, and to this day, still is the best relationship I've had with another guy. It was an amazing two years. I wanted it forever. I truly loved him, enjoyed our times together and trusted him with my life.

But I also know that him being so much younger than me had its consequences. He was bound to change, one way or another. If it wasn't work changing for him, it would have been, I donno-- school, or maybe he would move, or maybe he would realize he was into girls more, or wanted to be gay, or come out. I have no idea. But him being so young, he never got to experience everything like I did. Something was bound to get in the way of us being together forever.

Writing this makes me long for his kiss, his hands, his body, to hear his voice, to touch his lips. I often think about him...wish it could be the way it was...want to text him, call him. I won't allow myself to be suckered into it again, not with him anyway. I know, that if I see him, I'll fall again. Its been 3 months now since we've seen each other. We do IM each other briefly online when he's around, and he's not incredibly busy. But it can never be the same.


UPDATE:
So funny thing happened yesterday. I'm driving on the LIE, and who's jalopy do I see next to me but Ross'. His car would stick out in a full JFK parking lot. I honked, waived and we rolled down our windows. As the traffic creeped along (if you know the LIE, you know what I'm talking about) we chatted "How are you?" "I'm ok, how are you?" "Good, good.." "I'll text you" he said as the traffic broke.

Ok thing about texting....it can be the greatest thing in the world. For us, it was almost a way of life. I could be at my son's baseball game, with my wife at the mall, or at work, and I can have a text conversation all day with him. But, it can never, ever, replace the sound of someones voice. At some point, texting was all we had. How are you..I'm good..doing whatever. Fucking call me! Let me hear your voice..let me hear some emotion! Sometimes text jokes don't sound like jokes,. sometimes sarcastic humor sounds mean. Pick up the phone!

RING! Oh god..he's calling! Ross..your calling me? Whats the occasion? He says he figured calling would be better (it was). Yada yada, fine fine, good good, stories to tell about my ball game, his work, my family, his sick grandmother, my car, his car, weather..etc. And yes, the summer has gone quick, and we should make plans to go to dinner...that would be great. OK, yes, lets talk..when you get a chance, not too busy, we can make plans. CLICK.

And that was it. I spoke to Ross. Still miss him, love him, want him. But I promise..as much as I humanly can..that I will not involve myself with him again. I cannot go to dinner and have something happen and have him not be around for the next 3 months. Not with him...no way. I hope I sound convincing...

Bi Like Me Redux: A Real Love

My ideal scenario is to find someone in the same situation as me. Married, bisexual, dating a girl, something around there. Interested in being "buddies", friends..I mean real friends. Best friends. Be able to trust each other with everything, even our deepest, darkest secret. Well, about two years ago, again, the Internet brought me a gift. It was tall, lean, dark, model cute, and young. He was the epitome of A&F. Ross was 25 years younger than me. YES! TWENTY-FIVE YEARS YOUNGER! Just in case you didn't hear me. lol
Ross was 18 when I met him, soon to turn 19. We chatted online and he agreed to have me call him the next day. When I did call him, there was no answer. None. Blow off! I thought. Well, after about a two week period, where I am on vacation, I get an email from Ross. What happened? Where are you? I hardly remembered him, but figured out this is the guy that I thought blew me off. As it turned out, Ross overslept that day. We decided to meet.

When Ross pulled up in that parking lot, he looked nothing like the pic he sent me via email. He was even better looking. He obviously was using a fake pic, but even that didn't do him justice. That night, we hung out talking in his car and for the next two years, Ross and I were inseparable. We worked out together daily, chatted though out the day, met after work almost daily, met for dinners or lunches, and talked on the phone and texted each other constantly. He was perfect.

I got peripherally involved in Ross' business. We ended up traveling on "business trips" which were probably some of the best times I've ever had. We laughed, got drunk, had the hottest sex ever, and to this day, I'm thankful for that email he sent wondering what happened to me. Ross and I were truly best friends, with dark secrets. He knew my family, I knew his. Yet, when we were alone, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

I remember once we were in some desolate location in the middle of America. Somewhere no one would know us. We were alone, we were horny and we were in love. We stopped by a restaurant for dinner and drinks, or drinks and dinner, more accurately.

We sat in a booth in the corner of the restaurant. As we got drunker, we got more and more obvious. I couldn't keep my hands off him. Under the table we'd play footsie...or we'd be sitting so close our arms or our legs would be touching. At that point, I couldn't care who saw us, who was looking. We were truly anonymous. It was an amazing feeling. We stumbled back to our room, showered and hit the sheets for another amazing night of making out and sex.

Being with Ross, it was the first time I had ever "longed for" a guy, desired, had to have, anticipated being with. I mean, when I felt so worked up, so horny for him, that I had to have him...kiss him, touch him, smell him, suck him and be with him. I had sucked off guys before and tasted cum before but with some trepidation. With Ross, shit, sometimes I WANTED it in my mouth..and swallow it all. NOW THAT'S LOVE! It was the feeling that I wanted to do anything for him, and the feeling was mutual.

There was the time that I felt that anything included having him fuck me. I wanted it because he wanted it, or so he said. I wanted it because I wanted him to know that I would do anything he desired and what's good for the goose is good for the gooser. I could do that, couldn't I? uh, maybe, maybe not.

We tried..I tried, valiantly I tried, I tell ya! I remember we were on one of our many trips. Our trips were like playing house. We'd shave together in the morning, take showers together morning and night, sleep together in the same bed, and then when we left our room, we were totally about work. We had our way of letting the other know we were thinking about non-work things though-- a wink here, the stare there, a brush up against each other when no one was looking, but no one else knew or suspected.

One evening, after work, we hit the showers, as usual. I love showering with another guy, totally hot in more than one way. Something about sharing the intimacy of an event that is typically alone time. Anyway, we soaped up, I soaped him, and soaped my ass and leaned over. "SHYYITT! FUUUCK!" I screamed as he tried to put his big cock in my ass, I almost fucking knocked him to the ground like a mugger. I fucking saw stars and was holding my ass for dear life. No fucking way your going to try to shove that thing in me again! Don't even think about it! So much for the gooser. I AM NOT A BOTTOM!

But, despite that, Ross and I had a very special relationship. Something I've been searching for, dreaming about for my whole life. Ross and I were in love, we promised each other we'd be there for each other forever. We talked about the future, about having a place, believe it or not. And I for one, believed it all.

More soon :)

Hump Day

BI Like Me Redux: Testing...Testing

After my time with Lance, I began my search again for my perfect match. As I perused the Internet, I made friends with someone close to my hometown. We had casual conversations, and one or two intimate meetings. What was most important about our relationship is that he encouraged me to get tested.
Other than with Lance, I had never had sex without being protected. Well, there was that once at the sex party. But that was just a quick one (ugh!). With Lance, I figured we were relatively monogamous, weren't we? I mean, he was the only guy I was with at the time, but was I the only man HE was with? Hard to tell. I began to doubt myself.

My Internet friend told me of a place that had free testing. He told me all about the tests, how they were quick, painless and anonymous. He told me about the office, the people there, everything I could want to know. Believe me, I had lots of questions. He was kind enough to volunteer to come with me. But, I was a big boy...I was going to do it alone.

I called the center. They don't have regular business hours, I guess a sign of the budget constraints of a free clinic of that sort. But, I found a day that I was able to discreetly go before I headed to work. I drove by the center, got there plenty early. I looked around the neighborhood..confident that I wouldn't see anyone I knew, I walked in. It was a quiet office. One other person waiting, a desk with a clip board to sign in, and a basket on the desk with condoms (take one!).

I signed in with a pseudo name, and sat down. When I got called, a nice older lady brought me into an exam room. I told her I was interested in being tested for HIV. She told me the options, and I'm going by memory, so the facts may be wrong, but from what I remember, I could get an oral swab of some sort. This was painless, but relatively inaccurate and also results weren't immediate. The other option was a blood test that obviously required a needle (ech!) but was very accurate and results were immediate (10 minutes). Take your time in choosing, I was told, she has some information she'd like to collect.

She then began asking me questions that she recorded on a sheet of paper in front of her:

• Marital status: Married.

• Have I used drugs, steroids or shared needles or the like? No.

• Have I had other sex partners in the last 10 years? Yes.

• Have I had unprotected anal, or oral sex with men? Yes.

• Have I had unprotected sex with someone who could answer yes to any of the above questions? Yes, I suppose so.

After each question and answer she then gave me some information about the risks associated with such acts, that's some, were less risky and others more risky. She informed me of possible STDs that I could catch, including being exposed to HIV. She encouraged me to use condoms, be protected at all times. It was done professionally, informatively and in a non-judgmental manner.
It was food for thought for sure. Was I being careful in my sexual activities? Probably not, well, not at all. Just because I was with Lance and assumed he was monogamous, doesn't mean he was. I was not only putting myself at risk, but my wife. That was something that I wouldn''t be able to explain.

The nurse at the clinic then asked if I decided which test I was going to take. I told her I wasn't too fond of needles, but she told me it really was the better choice. Plus, I would get results right away. I decided to get poked.

She drew some blood from my finger, placed it in a little device, kind of like what diabetics use, but obviously not the same device. She continued to ask me some questions which she recorded, at all times honoring my request for anonymity. She explained that the questions help her, her office, and the organizations that test and treat patients in the demographics and tendencies of the diseases. As she looked at the blood devise, the devise that held my future health in its hands, she opened her mouth...and said...

"You've got no problem. You're negative." I was relieved. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever have unprotected sex again, unless I was in a committed and monogamous relationship.

You too can go and get tested. Its easy, anonymous and a relief to know your status. Protect yourself, your loved ones and your partners.

http://www.hivtest.org/index.cfm

Bi Like Me Redux: Picture Perfect, or not, Part II

As luck would have it, my wife and kids decided that they were going away on a holiday weekend and stay away for a few nights. This never happens, and you know I looked forward my time alone with great anticipation.

I spoke with Lance, and we planned a night at his place. This would be my actual first time spending the night with a man in his bed. When I got there on Friday, we hung out a little, took our usual shower together, and had sex. He then cooked me a great dinner, we had some great conversation, cuddled watching a movie on his couch in front of the TV. Again, we headed to bed and had some great sex. Lance was into getting rimmed, and while at that point, I had not really done that a whole lot, I obliged. It was, after all, a means to an end, so to speak. After all, we were both obsessed with cleanliness, and a clean ass is as nice as a clean mouth (or nearly as nice).

Its funny though, when I think about Lance, our times together, the dinners, the sex, the showers, what I really remember most, was watching him sleep that night. He was incredibly cute sleeping there. I was up most of the night stroking his chest, caressing his ass, touching his body. I probably slept an hour that night, but enjoyed every minute of my "insomnia". It was a new experience for me and I loved it. There is nothing like laying next to a man in bed, especially someone you care for.

The next morning, we woke, and I made him breakfast. (Yes! I can cook!) We hung out for most of the day, did our shower/sex thing a few times. I left Saturday afternoon, not wanting to raise any suspicion at home, or miss a phone call. I found myself empty in my house, alone. It was very depressing. I was no longer with Lance, occupied and having fun. My family was gone, no one to talk to, no one to laugh with, just deep, dark quiet. It sent me into a spiral of depression. I have no idea why. More on that at a future date.

Lance and I saw each other for a few months. I really loved him..he had a great personality, was really cute, and we seemed to click. He had a southern way about him (he was from down south). A real sweet person, a gentle man, quiet, thoughtful. He was "slow" but not retarded slow..he was careful with his words, sensitive, really calm. I found his personality rubbed off on me, making me very relaxed in his presence.

Despite our connection though, what was good for me, wasn't necessarily great for him. Lance wanted, and deserved more. He got to see me when I could get away, when my schedule permitted. When I left him, I left him alone, me running back to a busy family life and that wasn't' fair. I couldn't offer what Lance wanted, and though we still keep in touch, we had to end our relationship. It wasn't until more recently, that I would find what I really wanted. My long, hard search for the perfect match was over...or so I thought.

Male Bag: Similarities

Here's a letter I received this week from someone who decided to analyze the similarities between the him and I.  Read on...

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Hi BLM,

First, I have to say thank you for your blog.  I always knew there were other bi married men like me out there, but you could be my twin!    I have read every one of your posts as well as all of your readers’ comments.  The more I read, the more I saw myself in your posts.  From what I can gather: your healthy lifestyle, family life, taste, values, sexual desires and depression issues are very similar to mine. 

Call me “Bi Married Too” (BMT). I am in my late 40s, (look much younger) 6’2, 180, in shape, muscular, workout 5x week.  I have been married 20 years and have two teenage sons.  My wife is a wonderful person (more on my wife later).   I spend a lot of time with my family and I am a good provider.  I have a white collar profession, I am Jewish and I live in the suburbs of a city not far from NYC. 

I have a Ross. Let’s say his name is Mark.  Mark is different than Ross in that he is a divorced, out, gay dad of two.  He is around my age, muscular, in shape and very successful in his profession.  He lives close to me.  I met Mark on Man Hunt about 3 years ago.  He was ending a long term relationship with his boyfriend and I think I caught him on the rebound.  At our first meeting, we instantly clicked.  Our chemistry was perfect.  We started talking on the phone and texting every day.  We had sex at least once a week.  We are both versatile, though anal sex did not happen every time. I was concerned we were falling in love.  I made it clear to him that I was not going to leave my wife and I did not want to disturb my kid’s upbringing.  He was cool with that.  We became best friends with benefits.  Since I could not offer him the LTR he desired, I could not tell him not to date. He still went on dates and told me all the details.  Since he more than filled my desire for men, I was not interested in anyone else. 

I started to go on fake business trips.  This allowed me to stay over his house for a few days at a time.  My wife met Mark.  This allowed us to go on some legitimate

mancations. We had a great time traveling together. (NYC, Ft. Lauderdale, Las Vegas to name a few)

A few months ago, Mark told me his x-boy friend was back in the picture.  He wanted to try to fix things with him and continue to be my best friend.  He was not sure how we were going to handle the sex part. 

Over time, I started noticing a decrease in our communication and sexual encounters.  It drove me crazy.  I told my self I can deal with the drop off in sex, but I did not want to lose him as a friend and as someone I can talk to about day to day BS.  He is the only person who knows the REAL me, all about me.  He knows more about me that my wife.  Like you and Ross, I felt Mark was not treating me right. It would take days for him to return my calls.  I told him about it and he said he is just busy.    My gut is telling me I am losing him as the friend I would like him to be.  I am sad about that.

I mentioned we were almost twins. Below are some posts from your blog and how they relate to me.  Reading about another man like me, working through the same issues, gave me joy, comfort and validation as a family oriented bi married man.   Thank You!

Below, your posts are in italics, my comments are in bold.

BLM: I rationalize my encounters with men while being married as not cheating. RATIONALIZE meaning..yea, of course i know its cheating. But, like the Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds home runs records, its cheating with an asteric. I have never ever cheated on my wife with another woman. I wouldn't even think of it. I have however, had many, many encounters with other men. They offer me something my wife, obviously cannot. Do I get a gold star for this? I doubt so.
However, I cannot possibly live my life without another man in it in a sexual way. I used to get very guilty in my times after being with various men. That guilt has faded away. Now, I hardly think about it. Its a secret I keep..and need to keep from everyone.

BMT:  Exactly! I have the same thoughts and actions as you.  Before I met Mark, due to the internet, I was able to have many sexual encounters with men.  In college I only dated women.  I looked at guys in the gym and on the street, but I never had the balls to approach a hot guy in person.  I had my first gay sexual experience when I was 28.  All the men I have had sex (only safe) with I met on line.  (Man Hunt, Big Muscle, AOL, Craig’s List)  I felt very nervous and guilty at first, but now it is just part of me. I have to say I have never had a bad experience. Bad sex, yes of course it happens, but all pretty nice men.  I guess I do a good job of screening guys upfront.  The hunt is exciting, but it takes a lot of time.  I was so happy when I met Mark.  No more wasting time on the hunt!

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BLM: 2010-06-07 – House of Cards

Is it me, or him, or us?
Sometimes I just can't tell.  I'm fragile..prone to fits of jealousy, testiness, insecurity..but, when Ross doesn't call me, text me, or anything..for a day or more..it drives me batty!  Now, I'm not one to stand on ceremony..I tried. I called him, texted him..but I was getting the feeling..the bad feeling I had when things went sour that time.  Suddenly, he wasn't available. Couldn't talk.  Too busy..he'll get back to me..then..nothing.

Is it just that life suddenly got crazy for him? That's what he says..but I can't believe that he can't pick up the phone..and devote 2 minutes to me.  "Sorry, crazy busy, but just wanted to say hi and that I missed you."  That would do!

Last week, he texted me how he missed me..wanted to meet soon..then..we couldn't because I got busy.  But I called him..and we chatted.

This week...I had said how I hoped we could hang one day..that I missed him.  "OK" I got.  OK?  Someone says they miss you and your response is OK????

Maybe something is wrong in our relationship. Maybe he realized that this is too much for him.  A few weeks ago, things were great...we were away together..WHAT HAPPENED?  WHAT DID I DO?

Up until this little blip on the screen, things have been great with Ross and I.  But, it's amazing how unhappy it gets me when things don't continue as I had hoped.  I get depressed, I doubt myself, I get surly..it's not how I want things to be.

When I ask him what's going on, he tells me nothing, that everything is fine. It doesn't feel fine.  But, I'm taking him on his word for now. I guess time will tell.

BMT: I can relate.  I got depressed when my communication with Mark dropped off.  Depression runs in my family.  I think I am generally unhappy more days than I am happy.  Like you, I am concerned that my family does not deserve my bad attitude. I am never physically violent.  But, when I am in a funk, little things at home bother me.  I speak in harsh tones to my wife and kids.   However, my mood instantly picks up with a text from Mark.  Funny how a text can really make my day! 

He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night.  I know the reason for the drop off.  But, I still want to be his friend.  I hope he wants to me mine.  He says he does.  But actions speak louder than words.  Mike like Ross missed my birthday.  Ouch!

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BLM: Flawless? I go to the gym, watching for the slightest acknowledgment from a hot guy, hoping to make a connection. I eat lunch at the cafe, wondering if the smile I get from someone is a "have a good day" or "let's have a good day". I look at the UPS man, the Poland Spring water man and the Xerox Copy guy differently than any heterosexual man. I hit the beach with my family secretly salivating over the lean speedo laden lifeguards. I drink, eat, sleep sex.

BMT: Same here man.  Ahh . . .  the beach, love it!  Sometimes I wonder if my wife sees me looking at all the hot guys.  I did not have a great body in HS.  I worked hard for what I have today.  I love the hot weather, working out, getting pumped and sweaty.  It gets me horned up.  I often j/o after I workout.  Sometimes I work out with Mark then go back to his place for another workout .   I j/o almost every day.  I can not hold out like you.  I get looks from guys.  I am still too insecure to look back and create that gaydar connection.

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BLM: 2009-09-14  Therapy

As a result of my choice to remain secretive, I am in a constant personality upheaval. Some days, I'm great. Relatively calm, pretty content. Other days, I'm downright nasty, unhappy and resentful. Unfortunately, I take it out on some of the people closest to me, although never physically. For the past couple weeks, I can say that this blog has helped me tremendously. Writing my thoughts down releases them from my mind. I seem happier, content. I've even been more productive at work, and lessened my visits to those gay sites I used to frequent.

BMT: Mark is my Therapy.  Our friendship and sex has helped me in so many ways.  I can never thank him enough.   I feel very fortunate for our relationship.  I think it has helped me be a better family man.  Since meeting Mark, I know I have been easier to live with. 

BLM: 2009-12-15

A New Beginning

I guess I consider it the ultimate sacrifice, although there are those that differ.  I have traded my true and complete happiness for those of my kids.  One day, when my time has come, I can go to my grave knowing that they were protected by me, had a normal and happy childhood and a loving and dedicated family to surround them.

BLM: 3/11/10 Boxes

Deceit is an inevitable part of a life lived the way I do.  I am married, with children...and have decided that my children's well-being requires that I be an active, "normal" and conventional family.  Of course, I could come out to my family.  I imagine it would require some time of upheaval and disturbance in my children's lives and probably to our relationships.

BMT: Exactly!  To come out now is not an option.  These are very important years for my son’s development.  I do not want to disturb it for them. Though as the anonymous reader below points out; what may happen is after the kids are out of the house, I may leave my wife.  Hurt their Mom, what will the kids think of me then?  I am thinking it will be very hard at first.  But, I am hoping the strong relationship I have with my kids will carry us through the hard times.  I also do not want to hurt my wife. I am thinking our relationship will be in a place that it will not hurt as much. Or maybe I will keep the family together.  Maybe my burning desire for men will subside with age. . . .  wishful thinking?  I just want the best for everyone.

This Comment Stung . . .  From a  Anonymous Reader 3/30/10 : Okay reading between the lines... she knows it is obvious. She did find you calling that gay sex line and now with the revelation of her knowing you hang out with Ross who is 20 yrs younger, business, working out, coffees ... she knows and she is not working and living by all accounts as a typical suburban wife.. a jewish one albiet...So with that in mind by the time the last child hits 18 which is probably in a few years she will then have most of her life taken away from her and you will be able to move onto your life as a gay man. Her... not so much as she will be well into her 50's no skill set to fall back on career wise and you will give her half the house and she will end up in an apt or condo and your kids will be like WTF???? Then let the games begin... you hurt there Mother. Just a recap... enjoy your vaca and Happy Passover 

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BLM: 12/29/09

What do I want for the new year?  I want a straight, masculine guy..a masculine guy like myself.  He can be a top, or bottom or versatile..as long as he is not obsessed with anal sex.  I want someone to hold, and make out with..kiss..like the guy in the gym (yea I'm still thinking about him).  I want someone with a great connection, someone I can confide in, someone who I can trust with the most important secret of my life.  I want to be able to look forward to seeing him, seeing him naked..pleasure him and have him all over my body too.  It doesn't have to be nasty.  It doesn't have to be gross.  It doesn't have to be pounding, rough, screaming sex.  It needs to be me and him..together..and hot for each other.

BLM: 6/28/10 Be yourself  -    I don't want to be in a relationship that I can't feel comfortable in being myself (I'm already in one of those aren't I?) I want to be able to call someone when I want, and be called.  I want to have someone fawn over me..and fawn over them.  I want to be happy..and know that I am making someone happy too. I want to be appreciated.

BMT: Ditto, Here I am buddy!  :)

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 BLM: 3/13/10 seat belt video clip.

BMT:  I like the seat belt clip. I always wear mine.

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 BLM: 3/25/10 from reader

I'll remind you of something that you already know: what you have with Ross is the idyllic fantasy of perhaps MILLIONS of bisexual men. Don't torture yourself with the any slight imperfections. Just "be" when you are with Ross. Enjoy every second of your time together; live in the moment.

BMT: Good advice.  I tend to plan too much.  What will I be doing with Mark, tomorrow, next week or next month?  Life happens in the here and now.  I should focus on the moment.  I have taken some yoga and meditation classes.  To clear our mind, they taught us to focus on our breath. It is the only thing in the here and now. I should follow this advice more often.
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 BLM: 3/29/10 How things work
Is it hard to balance the feelings I have with Ross with the feelings I have for my wife?  Suffice it to say that I have extremely strong feelings for Ross - feelings that once at least, made me question my place with my family at times. But, the stuff with my wife is a very complicated topic...I have been planning on talking about my relationship with my wife..but have resisted because it's very, very personal..very, very delicate and very, very complicated.  I also worry about revealing anything about that..for fear of blowing my cover on here, plus I really don't want to open up that part of my life for discussion and arguments.  While most of you, nearly all of you who read my blog are wonderful people and very supportive, some are downright nasty assholes.  I'm not interested in hearing from the assholes about my wife.  I also don't know if anyone is interested in hearing about my relationship with my wife. My wife and I are great parents, and I hope, for now to leave it at that.

BLM: 6/1/10  We do have our sexual issues, my wife and I.  But, if I can toot my own horn, I am a great father, I'm a good provider, and reliable and  interested and active in my children's lives.

BMT:  I will tell you about my wife.  She is a wonderful person.  She is very social and extroverted.  She does an unbelievable job juggling her career, kids and running the house.  She has the same healthy lifestyle as me and is in great shape. We have the same interests and enjoy spending time together.  She does not nag or want things that we cannot afford.  Sounds pretty good huh?  Well the only bad part is we have sex about once a year.  The last two times happened when we took a vacation with out the kids. (they were in camp).  We give each other a peck on the cheek when we greet each other in public.  That is the extent of our intimacy.  We do not hug or even touch each other in our queen size bed.  Several years ago I told her that she is more like a roommate to me than my wife. She saw a doctor about her low sexual desire.  Apparently, it is  a common problem for women.  She is not motivated enough to improve the situation.  The kids are her priority. 

I am not sure if my feelings for men would be less if I had a great sex life with my wife.

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BLM: 5/10/10 redemption

Recently, I mentioned that I could go for only 4 days, and I'd like to go in order to get away from the stress I've been under and also to give Ross a hand with his work.  She was the one to whip out the calendar and map out the days that made sense.  I guess it just shows you how truly unique my wife is. She really never would tell me I couldn't do something, couldn't buy something or go somewhere.

BMT: My wife would do the same thing.  We are very lucky guys.

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BLM: 5/11/10 – I think I can. When I was younger, I used to have very short hair, "Guido-ish" sticking up with lots of gel. As I grew older (and thinner) I passed on the Guido look and opted for a little longer hair, kinda tussled look..with a little flip in front.  But I see my kids, with that buzzed short hair and I think they look awesome.  Some of the pics of guys that I find attractive have super short, buzzed hair  Something buzzed, yet not to short to show skin..kinda like the pics I have posted here today. .  I would love to get that done, but so far, haven't had the balls to do so.

Part of the problem is my frontal lobe..no not my brain, but my hairline.  It's pretty OK with my hair the way it is..but, I am showing some signs of the mileage...it is getting thin.  How would I look with a buzz cut? I don't know.  There should be a way to find out before you get it done, just so your not stuck wearing a hat for 2 months while it grows back.

Another thing I always wanted to get was a tattoo. Something very cool..on my shoulder blade. Round and sun-like....I've notice a few I like on guys I see at the beach.  The pain doesn't worry me so much as does the religious implications and the affect getting a tattoo will have on my kids.  I mean, nowadays, even grandmas have tattoos, so it's not like it's frowned upon, but I always believed never encourage your kids to do anything to show abuse, or disregard to one's self..whether it be drugs, alcohol, excessive eating, or body or image things like tattoos, earnings, even strange or dyed hair.  Those are things that reflect on you..and your family.  I tell them if you walk around with red spiky hair, people are going to question not only your character, but the character of your parents...so the moral goes. So, I guess I'm stuck without a tattoo.  But the hair? God, every time I go to the barber I ask.."you think I should get it buzzed?"  He says no..but I think he's just protecting his business.

BMT: Too funny man.  I dig guys with buzz cuts!  A military high and tight WOOF!  I wanted a shorter look too.  The woman who cuts my hair said no.  She would only use a #2 clipper on me.  Today my hair is #2 short on the sides and back. I use a little gel on the slightly longer front. 

I have the same feelings as you about a tattoo.  They look hot on some guys.  I thought about a tribal band tattoo on my bicep or a sun tattoo on my shoulder.  My kids and I once got fake tribal band tattoos for our right biceps’.  Me and the kids doing a bicep pose made a cute picture.  While at the beach one year, I got a henna sun tattoo on my upper shoulder.  Yeah, I was a bad MF’er for a week!

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BLM: 5/14/10 Museum post

BMT: My wife and I have been to all except for the The Guggenheim, Bilbao, Spain . (Been to the Guggenheim in Manhattan)    and where is the penis museum? :)

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BLM: 5/31/10 The one thing I am hoping for is that Ross remembers my birthday, and at least gets me a nice card.  Honestly, a dinner with him sometime this week would be a fabulous present.  But, I know he's very busy and that him remembering may be asking a bit much.  Should I remind him?  Do I need to? Should this be some kind of test of our relationship? Stupid, I know.

BMT: It is stupid but I do the same thing, always testing my relationship with Mark.  Missing a birthday is a big sign.  But, in my eyes, Mark can do no wrong.  He has helped me so much to learn who I am.  For that I am forever grateful.  I will accept what ever level of friendship Mark wants for us.  I want him to be happy.  If that happiness means less time for me and more for him to develop a relationship with his ex-boyfriend, I can not complain. 

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BML: phi kappa bi

BMT:  A frat for us,  I like it!  I was not in a frat in college.  However, I have a fascination with cocky, jock, frat college guys.  That was not me in college.  These guys would not give me the time of day in college. Over the years, I have met and fucked several of these guys.  Talk about acceptance, sex is a strange thing.

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 BLM: you mentioned Howard Stern and his comments about Gabourey Sidibe.
BMT: I love Howard.  I listen to him every day.  BTW my wife likes him too.

Sorry for the long note.  I hope it helps you in some way to know there is a guy so much like you out there.  I would be happy to share more details of my situation with you.

Thanks again for your blog. You are an excellent writer.

With Love and Support,

Bi Married Too

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Love to get mail...and encourage anyone to add to this blog. Send me your mail and stories and I'd love to post them here!

Monday: Part Two of  Redux: Picture Perfect

Bi Like Me Redux: Picture Perfect, or Not

So, I make plans to go to this guys house to take some real professional pictures for posting on the Internet. I find out he is a shorter guy, probably around 5'6", weighs about 150, and is as gay as the the galloping gourmet (if you know who that is I suppose we were born in the same era). I mean, he's masculine and all, just gay.

When I arrive, I am pleased to see who will be photographing me. Super smile, super cute, slim and fun to talk to. Lance started taking some candid shots, which were clothed. After a few apple martinis, we started to take the nudes. It was uncomfortable for me at first, but being around him made me comfortable. He was totally professional. When I mentioned that its not easy being the object of his camera work naked, he obliged and got nude himself.

Let me say first, that a lot matters to me. I already listed my requirements in a guy and types I like. That list probably is abbreviated. But one thing that doesn't matter to me is cock size. I could really care less. I prefer cut cocks...prefer nice looking cocks...but size? It doesn't matter.

Lance, as it turned out had a smallish cock. He was very self conscience about it too. But he needn't be. He was smallish in stature, so his cock size seemed..lets say.. appropriate. Plus, his beautiful blue eyes, slim yet toned body, and cute fucking ass made up for it. After all, when he's turned over, grabbing his pillow as I pound him, who cares what size his cock is.

That night, Lance and I did nothing more than jerk off and suck each other. But on other nights, he turned out to be a very hospitable bottom, very cute..and I still hold fondness for him. He shared my obsession for cleanliness, and showering together before, and after sex, was a ritual. To that point in my life, I could probably count on one hand how many guys I've fucked. But Lance and I made up for lost time. I learned to appreciate a good ass and having anal sex, to some extent. I would drop by Lance's on some days, but there was one time I spent with Lance in particular that was a real "ah-ha" moment.

More to come.... ;)