I've blogged in the past how I believe the internet is addicting, especially porn and websites for hooking up (Craig's, Manhunt and the like). Before I got back together with Ross, I was a full blown crack addict. I was on there day and night.in between meetings, at night..it was out of control.
Then, the minute Ross and I got back together, I didn't go on. I had no need, I was happy, sexually full-filled and very content. It was the first time in a very long time that I no desire to look online for stuff like that. Even the first time Ross and I were dating..I still was online doing things I shouldn't have. But this time..nothing.
As the days go by, and now that Ross and I seem to be at an end..I have been "itching" to look at the sites, but trying my hardest to avoid the temptation. But, a guy gets horny, ya know? And this guy..is busting! I've been trying to avoid it, because I know it only leads to more..and first of all, I am trying not to mess around with anyone until, if ever, Ross and I sit and talk. How bad would I feel if we sit down and somehow, although I can't see why I would at this point, I forgive Ross for these weeks..almost 5 now..of having no time for me, and I ended up having sex with someone else in the meantime? I know, I'm holding out for him..but I can't help it.
He does text me..from wherever he is..and once he said "wish you were here in my hotel" wherever he was..and I said "eh, nah." Does he still think we're a couple? I have no idea..but the longer I wait, the more I feel we're not.
Last week, I looked on Craig's..and then this week..looking on other sites..and now? I'm Jone-sing man... and it sucks.
I got lots of advice with regard to my relationship with Ross. Most said that I shouldn't act so interested, to give him space..to take whatever I can get..to not be so clingy, whinny. Basically, I've been told to be someone else.
I mean, I don't want to be in a relationship that I can't feel comfortable in being myself (I'm already in one of those aren't I?) I want to be able to call someone when I want, and be called. I want to have someone fawn over me..and fawn over them. I want to be happy..and know that I am making someone happy too. I want to be appreciated.
I can't be with someone and act like someone else. Play hard to get? Please, I'm too old for those games. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me and where there are no games, just some great conversation, some fun times, easy going, comfortable..and hot sex too.
What's wrong with that?
A commenter of my blog recently wrote: "...your gay friends will tell you that wearing A&F clothing at your age, even your perceived age, is inappropriate. I'm just sayin." So, it got me to thinking...maybe he's right:
You see I do wear A&F stuff..a lot of it. I've never, ever been told that wearing such stuff is inappropriate at my age. As a matter of fact, I think and have been told that I look good in their stuff. Yea, I guess I'm not some 20 year old, smooth, gorgeous hunk of a model. That's who does their advertising..so, guess it's not appropriate for me to wear their stuff. I hope Mr. Commenter meets the A&F standard. Now that it's been pointed out to me, I think I'll head over to - I donno..where do people my age shop? Target? Yea, I'll go buy some outfits at target..a leisure suit..some black socks I can wear with my sandals..a housecoat..
I also work out way too much. People my age have pot bellies. They're not really known for taking care of themselves. It certainly isn't appropriate to be in shape, slim and healthy. I'm going to go eat some Big Macs for dinner...then head to Taco Hell for a 3,000 calorie snack. I'm going to drink soda with every meal, and follow each with a high calorie and extra cholesterol desert. That ought to pack on the weight in no time. Forget all this working out too...no more gym 5 times a week for me. And no sports for me either..and the bike? Yea, I'll ride it..but, my racing bike will be turned in for one of those grandpa bikes..with a nice wicker basket, that I can ride slow. That's more age appropriate.
I'm also going to do all the other appropriate things that people "my age" should be doing. I'm going to pick up heavy drinking..smoking..maybe cigars..those are more mature..and all that fine stuff I've been missing out on. To hell with the health, to hell with those that say those vices aren't good for you. I'm old..I deserve it! My music? Yea, I used to like Maroon 5, Green Day, Live and the like..but, Barry Manilow here I come! Hell, it's only appropriate for me to act my age.
You know, that commenter may have made a point. I'm not appropriate. But, he didn't mention that I have a wife and kids, that I've been in a relationship with another man, have had sex outside my marriage and I lie, cheat and deceive.
Yes, I am inappropriate Mr. Commenter...but your argument would have been better if you mentioned my infidelities. I prefer to be the in shape, well dressed, distinguished man I am, no matter how inappropriate you may think it is.
I may be inappropriate but not for the reasons you stated.
It's an epidemic! Now, AJ from AJ's Ramblings has left the blog world! Scott really started something..maybe I should follow the trend?
Well, I haven''t made that decision. Right now, I'm OK blogging and have been trying diligently to continue my torrid pace of a blog item per day (except weekends). It's hard, but manageable.
I think the difficulty comes when people get busy, in their lives, in their work..but I also think blogging works well for people in distress. At least for me it's been a way to express deep, hidden, bottled up feelings and thoughts. Once things turn around, once you've settled your life (i.e., in AJ's case he has met a girl, moved in and I believe is engaged to be married) maybe blogging isn't as important anymore.
Well, you guys have lucked out...my life is not nearly settled..I'm not nearly happy as I need to be. I'm a work in progress. Bad for me..good for you.
Since my good phone call with Ross, we've chatted a few more times..and texted some. Never was able to arrange lunch. It's not anywhere near what it used to be. Again, I have no clue how things turned so bad, so quickly. There's no animosity, but, there's no spark anymore. Maybe it has to do with almost a month of not seeing each other. I mean, we're friends, but also have a sexual relationship. Without seeing each other, part of that is missing, and I think I for one need that part.
I haven't taken the steps of finding that sexual release..yet. I have looked on CL recently..but haven't responded to any ads. If this keeps up, it's just a matter of time. What I am really waiting for is some kind of sign..something from Ross to tell me our sexual relationship is over (other than not having sex for a month! - duh!). I don't want to do something prematurely, or do something I will regret later. He continues to insist he's just busy.
I am horny tho..and that's not good for anyone. When do I know it's over? I mean, my email to Ross kinda stated that I was done, but he came back and we chatted..making me think that he was apologizing..that things were OK. But they're not! It's stupid for me to ask him isn't it? "Ross, wanted to ask..are we done yet? Cause I've got this massive build up of sperm...and it just can't wait any longer."
I'm feeling it's over..I'm almost resigned to it. I'm definitely not happy about it..but, I think it's never gonna change with him. These are the same issues that we had last time and I'm not willing to be the chaser in this relationship.
I can't have an intimate relationship with someone I'm not intimate with.
It's become a strange relationship. Ross and I continue to talk..via text messages and IMs. We haven't met..haven't talked on the phone..nothing.
I feel a distance..something which has happened over the past bunch of weeks. I don't bother to text him on most days, only to have a text pop up from him saying hi. I think he's trying to maintain contact.. but, it's purely idol chit-chat between us.
Weather, our work, how the day is going..that's about it. Nothing more.
I saw over the weekend that Scott, of Straight Jock Talking was no longer blogging. He's decided that the time it took to blog got in the way of him being a good dad to his children. While I haven't noticed that this blog has affected my ability to be a good father to my kids, I appreciate and commend Scott on his decision.
He will be missed. For a short while, he blogged under a different blog name and gained a good following until the good, kind, gentle blog gods decided he needed to be shut down (I have to stay on their good side, you see). A short while later, he then re-appeared under SJT.
What was Scott's appeal? His blog style was unique, to say the least. He posted two, three times a day with full nude pics of guys and usually had brief comments on numerous topics. They were short entries usually, and more often than not, were easy reading, funny and on point. His voice was often sarcastic, aggressive, sometimes downright nasty, and typically laden with profanities and good for entertainment or a chuckle. He wrote as an normal, everyday man.
While I was flattered by some similarities between our blogs, what I found most intriguing was his ability to get comments - lots of them. While I may have more followers, more hits per day..he by far had many, many more commenters than I did on my best day. How did he do that? I imagine his readers felt some kind of connection with Scott. It's a connection that I have tried to make with my readers with sexy pics (not x rated) interesting stories and opinions and honesty. Do I respond to comments made on my blog? Yes, I have..but usually, in a future post rather than in the comments themselves. I do read each and every comment, but feel that the commenting area is for the readers only. It's a place where they can voice their opinions, unfiltered by my reasoning and influence. Maybe I'm wrong.
I imagine Scott will return one day..only to realize that blogging doesn't just help the readers, it actually helps the writer too.
Big fist pump to you Scott..and little Scotty too. Dude..be well, my man..now get the fuck outta here before I tear up like a wuss!
The next day, Ross and I didn't talk online at all. I was running around, he was out of the office..we didn't talk on the phone..nothing. Towards the end of the day I texted him though..
"I just wanted to say hi" I wrote
"Hey" he said "How was your day?"
"OK, was busy. Now on the field."
"Yea, I'm beat. I'm heading to bed. I'll ttyt." He said.
The next day, we chatted some more. Was more normal. After some regular chat..laughs etc., he asked me to lunch. We're hoping to set something up for tomorrow. Then, he had to run get something to eat, so he was offline. Then..it happened: the call.
I picked up my cell phone. I knew it was him, because I have his picture on there that pops up when he calls. I was all of a sudden - nervous.
"How may I help you?" I asked professionally with a grin, and I heard a chuckle.
"Well, I may be in need of some assistance" he said. "I have a big project that I need help with."
"Well, I may be booked up for the moment. But, be nice to me and something may open up soon."
Then, we laughed..and talked some more. I told him he should have called me a few days ago, the day he received and read my letter. He said he knew.
I said, "Ross, don't treat me that way anymore."
He said "I don't know what to say."
I told him "Say 'I'm sorry. It won't happen again.'"
"I'm sorry..It won't happen again." he said.
but, my one year anniversary of my blog is coming up in August. I'm hoping to have 500 followers by then (yea, I know, but I can hope, can't I?)..and I have no idea how to get more followers other than to say..FOLLOW!
So, if your an avid reader of my blog, or a big fan..or eh, hate my blog..just click the "follow" button on my blog. You can follow using any number of given names..and can even follow anonymously! so nobody will know! Us guys being in the closet know..you can make as many gmail/yahoo or other email accounts as you want ..and follow using those names.
More drama on Monday...
I sent that email at 3 in the morning..when I just couldn't sleep anymore...and the next morning, I had appointments, so I was running around. Eventually, I got a text from Ross asking if I was going to be in the office. "Yea" I said, "In 5 min"
When I logged online, Ross greeted me and we got into it. I have nothing but love for Ross, but, I suppose I can now say he has his flaws. One thing is, he can almost never be wrong. He asked how he's been nasty to me, how he hasn't treated me properly and I went on about how I can understand that he's busy but, a simple phone call is all it takes to say he's thinking about me. That if I have to be the one to text you every day, I feel like I'm chasing you, annoying you. That if he says he's busy..and will get back to me, and doesn't - it's only natural that I'm going to think that there's something wrong.
Ross just doesn't see it. He's busy, he's fried, he is working nonstop..he doesn't have time to think about anything. He did say he gets the same criticism from everyone..all his friends. He doesn't get it. We went around in circles. I have no idea how to explain it to him so he understands.
The difference is that I don't treat him just like a friend. I don't go a second without thinking about him, about wanting to call him. I've got a busy life too. I have a family. But, I still can find the time to shoot him a message letting him know that I'm thinking about him. Am I being treated the same way as I am treating him? Apparently not. I'm not "just a friend." I'm not everyone. I don't want to be lumped into a group of others. I want to be treated differently.
Yes, our relationship is complicated. I totally get that I'm a married guy with kids. I understand that he's a closeted and possibly confused professional. I don't think it is too much to ask to act like more than casual friends. If I wanted casual sex ..believe me I could have it. Don't treat me like some trick. Work can come first..but, there's got to be a second in your life that you say "god, how I'd love to be with him right now..." and call and let me know that.
At one point, I told him, I couldn't keep going on about this, that I was done. He said.. "done with what?"
"I'm done, I can't do this"
"What are you saying?" he asked again
"I don't know what I'm saying, but, I don't know what we have anymore."
"After all this time, you don't know? In 10 months, in five years we will always have this." he said.
But, he never said the words..he never soothed my concerns. I had to run, and he never called to say he was sorry. He never texted last night.
It was more of the same stuff I had been getting for the past 3 weeks. Maybe it's not over..but, we're clearly on life support.
Well, here we go again....
Seems like all of a sudden, out of nowhere, things went sour with us. Apparently, it's just me who thinks so, because despite asking, and trying to find out if something's wrong, you deny it. Since we've been away, you went from being so nice, and so into us, to cold, distant and disinterested. I've seen this all before and even though you profess to be someone who wouldn't lie, actions speak louder than words.
If it was only that you were too busy, I could understand. I can deal with not being able to see you for a week or so. But, you told me that this time you're different...that you've changed, and that's why we started this all again. For the past few months, I've had a great time. I thought it was mutual. I think I've been there for you whenever you needed me..even for stupid things, like if you were stranded and needed a ride, or wanted to talk, or needed help because you were shit-faced...I was there. Maybe I was just being used, or I was convenient at the time. To me it doesn't matter because I acted the way I felt. Can you say the same thing? Would you be there for me? Have you put in the effort? Again, actions speak louder than words.
If I'm totally wrong about all this, then I guess I've just shot myself in the foot. The first time around, I admit, it probably was a mutual ending. This time, though, I have no desire to end things..except that I'm too proud to beg you and too nice to constantly feel like a pest. I see the same symptoms from you though..a long time or no time to talk or text..no time to meet..and disinterest and unemotional responses. Sometimes words do speak pretty loud. When someone says "I miss you" the response isn't "OK" unless it's not mutual.
Sorry that you need to read this, and sorry that I haven't made you happy on the second go-round. It was not for lack of trying or wanting it to work. If any feelings changed over the past couple weeks, nobody clued me in. If something was wrong, I never knew to fix it.
If you've changed your mind about us, that's fine. I gave honesty and expected honesty back, but I didn't get it. Maybe I expected too much. Despite my disappointment, I can't wish for anything bad to you, because I care too much to wish anything but happiness for you.
You haven't had the courtesy in two weeks to be honest or treat me like someone you care about. Any relationship starts and ends with friendship and that also requires effort. I've always treated you better than any friend I had. I'm not sure you've always done the same. It's not about forgetting my birthday...it's everything else. You're actions speak louder than words.
So, I'll relieve you of the burden of telling me something's wrong, and relieve me of the burden of expecting more from you. If you want friendship, treat me like a friend..and you know, I've already shown, I'll be a friend back. I can't give you anything more.
...and after 3 days of deciding..i finally hit send
Is it me, or him, or us?
Sometimes I just can't tell. I'm fragile..prone to fits of jealousy, testiness, insecurity..but, when Ross doesn't call me, text me, or anything..for a day or more..it drives me batty! Now, I'm not one to stand on ceremony..I tried. I called him, texted him..but I was getting the feeling..the bad feeling I had when things went sour that time. Suddenly, he wasn't available. Couldn't talk. Too busy..he'll get back to me..then..nothing.
Is it just that life suddenly got crazy for him? That's what he says..but I can't believe that he can't pick up the phone..and devote 2 minutes to me. "Sorry, crazy busy, but just wanted to say hi and that I missed you." That would do!
Last week, he texted me how he missed me..wanted to meet soon..then..we couldn't because I got busy. But I called him..and we chatted.
This week...I had said how I hoped we could hang one day..that I missed him. "OK" I got. OK? Someone says they miss you and your response is OK????
Maybe something is wrong in our relationship. Maybe he realized that this is too much for him. A few weeks ago, things were great...we were away together..WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID I DO?
Up until this little blip on the screen, things have been great with Ross and I. But, it's amazing how unhappy it gets me when things don't continue as I had hoped. I get depressed, I doubt myself, I get surly..it's not how I want things to be.
When I ask him what's going on, he tells me nothing, that everything is fine. It doesn't feel fine. But, I'm taking him on his word for now. I guess time will tell..
Just a quickie..
still love to hear from my readers! So, please comment, rate a blog post.. and please - FOLLOW!
To follow the blog click the button above the list of followers. You can even follow anonymously!
Are you feeling like life's got you down? Depressed? Don't think you can deal with the hand you've been dealt? Getta look at this video..and stuff your issues, problems and cry baby complaints in a sock!
So what could be wrong with a 40 something man going out with a 21 year old man? I mean, yea, he's 26 years younger than me, but, if we get along, if we're such a great match, a perfect couple and happy, why should age make a difference?
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (16 year difference in age) are a couple. James Woods and Ashley Madison (39 years) are also together. Billy Joel and Katy Lee Joel (32 years) were a couple and so are Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas (25 Years) and Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (22 Years). So, why should I feel that my relationship is inappropriate, age-wise?
It is often said, that age is just a number and I believe it is. I feel more comfortable around younger guys..have more in common with them, and a better connection with them too. Maybe my issues of acceptance when I was in elementary school and high school makes me attracted to younger guys now.
But in any case, it is what it is. I keep myself well preserved. Often, people assume I'm in my 30's, (and when I was away, a man next to me on the plane thought I was in my 20's!). Do I feel like a 20 year old guy? Probably not..there are aches and pains..and my stamina isn't like a young guy.
If I had found someone who I was attracted to who was my age, who met my requirements, possibly I would be with that person. I did try..when I wasn't with Ross, I attempted relationships with older guys...to no avail. At one point, I blogged how I would never go back to Ross, because it was inevitable that age-wise, we couldn't be together..I guess I was wrong.
When Ross and I are out together, we probably get looks..or when business people or friends or family question what we have in common, it's hard to explain. But there is that connection that we have. Maybe Ross has "father issues" and I have those "acceptance issues"..but whatever it is..it's not an issue with us.
In one of our many discussions while we were away, I told Ross how being with him makes me so happy. That when we weren't together, I wasn't the happiest, that I'm sure there were days that I was downright nasty. Suddenly, when we got back together, my personality changed. I had something to look forward to. I was in love again and I imagine you could tell the difference. I was no longer sullen, no longer depressed.
After we go away, those feelings are more intense. Although I'm feeling a loss that I'm no longer waking up next to Ross, I'm still very happy, very content and calm..knowing that I had him next to me for those four days. Do you think those feelings were noticed by my family? I'm not sure...but I wonder if my wife sees a difference in my attitude when I come back from these business trips away with Ross.
What could she be thinking? Ross and I spoke about how I must flitter into the house after arriving home, smiling, whistling.....humming...maybe my wife notices my attitude change? What if..in actuality she knows? Could that be possible? We talked about how while I'm away, my wife does stuff for me around the house, so that when I come home I get the "surprise, honey!..look what I did for you" (the details of which I've intentionally left out). Ross says those things are done out of guilt, or possibly out of some attempt to gain attention that she hasn't received or worse yet, in some strange way of gaining an advantage in a weird competition with Ross.
I can't imagine that my wife suspects that I have an intimate relationship with Ross. I think I know her well enough to know that if she suspected, she would leave me. I don't think she'd like the fact that she was sharing me. We do have our sexual issues, my wife and I. But, if I can toot my own horn, I am a great father, I'm a good provider, and reliable and interested and active in my children's lives.
I mentioned that she was the one to figure out how I can go away with Ross on this last trip, so I can go clear my head from recent business stress. A commenter mentioned that for her to not be jealous of the fact that I was going away with Ross made her "a remarkable, giving and loving woman" and that I was "very fortunate to have her."
You're absolutely right.