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Male Bag: An Athletes Dilemma
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Whats up man,
I'll keep it quick, just one question. I'm in a similar position to you. I'm heavily involved in sports, and yup, I'm bisexual. So just one question: if you could go back and do it all over, would you? I know the situation might be different now that you have kids that you love, but go back and picture yourself when you younger. Do you see yourself happier just being with a man, without the double life? Or are you satisfied the way things turned out? I ask this because I'm thinking about proposing to my girlfriend next month (fingers crossed) and I'm not sure whether I want to fully commit (yet) to a married, heterosexual life or wait a little bit and explore some of my gay feelings first. I also live in constant fear that one day I'll wake up and find my wife/girl friend unattractive and regret the decision I made as a young guy. So in short, would you change anything?
I'll keep it quick, just one question. I'm in a similar position to you. I'm heavily involved in sports, and yup, I'm bisexual. So just one question: if you could go back and do it all over, would you? I know the situation might be different now that you have kids that you love, but go back and picture yourself when you younger. Do you see yourself happier just being with a man, without the double life? Or are you satisfied the way things turned out? I ask this because I'm thinking about proposing to my girlfriend next month (fingers crossed) and I'm not sure whether I want to fully commit (yet) to a married, heterosexual life or wait a little bit and explore some of my gay feelings first. I also live in constant fear that one day I'll wake up and find my wife/girl friend unattractive and regret the decision I made as a young guy. So in short, would you change anything?
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I've written before how I feel about my life. Yea, people may think I've got it made: a married guy to a great girl, two amazing, wonderful kids, a beautiful house, a great job. Perfect, right?
Well, yea, from the outside, maybe so. But, behind the scenes things are different. I'm conflicted, confused and lie, cheat and deceive those people who I love. It's not a great way to live your life. Would I do things differently if I had the chance to hit the "reset button"? Absolutely!
While I don't regret some of the decisions I've made, because they brought me two great things in my life - my kids - I do regret that I am somewhat stuck in the life I've created. Yea, I could "come out of the closet" or reveal my indiscretions to my family and kids, but that would defeat what I think is more important, and that is the stability of my kids lives. I've decided to sacrifice my happiness for that of my kids.
But, if I knew then what I know now, that this "thing", this "feeling" wouldn't go away, and would cause me such inner conflict, then I think I would probably preferred to have not gotten married or to have married someone who I could be totally honest with about my sexuality. That would be ideal.
The situation you are in is similar to what I was in when I was dating my then girlfriend, before she became my wife. I was totally into her...the sex was frequent, fun and great. Did I have feelings about men? Yes. Should I have gotten married? uh, probably not. Yes, I probably could have been happy only with another man. Would I have been cheating behind his back with another woman? I have no idea.I would suggest to take your time with proposing to your girlfriend. Don't jump into things. Tell her..if it's true, that you love her, and that you have long term intentions, but, that you're not ready to get married yet (Jeez, you're only 23!) Maybe, at some point, you'll feel comfortable talking to her about your sexual "fantasies" "Ever think about having a three way? with 2 girls? two guys?" You'll maybe get an understanding of how conservative she is sexually. Maybe it will inspire discussion: Her: "You'd be with me and another guy? you: "Yea, I mean, there are some guys that I can see as being hot" or something like that.
My point is, I would never suggest or encourage someone to be like me. It's not ideal. It's not fun. It's not healthy, and ultimately..it's not good to be BiLikeMe.
20 comments:
Radicaljoe
Well it has been 45years since I was told not to get married and I thought I fell in love. Love does not concurr all. The best part is my 3 children, all grown and having their own children. There is where it ends. She finally knows, cause I told her this past year, and oldest son as well, the other two I would regret telling. Still together, never go anywhere without knowing where I go. To me it is living in Hell. Have been to a bath house in the past, 2 times,
jack off and porno and blogs are my only consolation. Why do I stay? It is financial. But what a prison I live in. Whatever you do "Athletic Dilemma" try out the gay experiences first so you don't make the mistake I have.
Joe
t
Great advice man; I can't imagine being like the married guys stuck between a rock and a "hard" place... scuse the pun. Once I knew for certain I liked guys, I took the plunge, left my wife and now live with a guy. Best decision I ever made. I have 2 awesome kids too, all doing good. So to your correspondent, don't get married now. Explore your sexuality and enjoy before you make any rash decisions.
I have yet to see even one guy who said he had doubts about his sexuality before getting married who was not later haunted by those doubts. Having a ceremony and exchanging rings and vows does not change your sexual identity. For most bisexuals there's a place in the soul that only men can reach. If you marry and remain faithful, you will eventually become aware of an emptiness that can never touched. Sometimes it will make you ache with a terrible loneliness that you cannot address, unless you cheat.
Here's a blog of a bi 23yo guy who has been married for two years. They're struggling already even though he's been truthful and faithful from minute one. http://bderrekson.blogspot.com/
I reluctantly married at 23, and have been married for 20 years. It has sometimes been an easy road and sometimes (now) been pretty tough. One life just isn't enough. I want two.
I thought of marriage twice...both times in my early twenties. I was somewhat attracted to these two girls, but I knew it was not for me. (I would identify myself as "gay" rather than "bisexual.") I thank God I did not marry; I have had a great time in my 45 years...a few relationships, but mostly single, and that's Ok! At the end of the day, no matter what choices I make, I only have to look myself in the mirror.
To the young man who wrote the question: hold on to that ring! I would encourage you to try out the gay life first...you may like it!!!
XO FFB
Great advice. I agree with everything you've said also being a Bi Married Guy - though I'm open and out in an open marriage.
I married the first time at 19, had children and separated at 34. I'm remarried now to a wonderful wife who knows I'm bi, fully accepts it and is turned on by it. Between those two extremes, I dated guys and girls both. Two words of advice for any 23 year old guy thinking about getting married. 1) DON'T EVEN THINK about it until you're older. I know it's an arbitrary number, but I tell every young person I know not even to THINK about getting married before you're 25. Even at 25 you still have a lot to learn about yourself. 2) DON'T EVEN THINK about marrying someone who doesn't know you're bi or that you have bi feelings or have doubts about your heterosexuality. It might be difficult to postpone things indefinitely, and harder still to come clean with her -- but don't learn the hard way that it becomes infinitely more difficult, in many cases seemingly impossible, after you exchange those vows.
Oscar Wilde wrote " the importance of being earnest" and what's the real sense of earnest! nobody knows, doesn't? it the same with life and love! there are a lot of ways in a love story and sexuality is a part but only a part !
Straight guys can also find they have made a mistake. But don't confuse passion for love. Passion can fade. Love is for the long haul. By all means, a potential wife has a right to know about your sexuality. Some gay guys love thier wives enough that they are happy being married; some regret their decision. All I can say is, if you think it through and decide that you want this woman by your side for the rest of your life and you want to be faithful to her, then you might as well tell her the truth and propose.
You know that you can be bi and still have kids, you don't necessarily have to marry to build a family if you want kids. It's not the ideal many of us been conditioned to want but it is an option. Why do the compromises have to be mutually exclusive?
well, I knew I was gay from puberty basically but I still got married, had kids etc and came out much later in life. A lot of guys say theyre bi but in reality they are gay but don't want to admit it to themselves first and foremost.
Another perspective is needed here. Consider first that the principal purpose of your life is not self-gratification. You have a duty to obey the first commandment (in time), which is to be fruitful and multiply. Your chances of being able to do that in a gay life are slim to none.
In reality, probably most men have bisexual feelings, but they repress the gay side. And that's not a bad thing for society or for them. The essence of self-mastery is to control your thoughts and actions for the greater good.
My own experience is that while I have been attracted to both men and women, I have never acted on the male part of that, and the only woman with whom I have had sex is my wife. The results are, among other things, (a) a beautiful family, (b) a wonderful, fulfilling long term sexual relationship free of baggage imposed by ties to other people, and (c) a complete lack of worries about STDs and similar issues.
Contrary to what others have said, 23 is a great time to get married. Studies have shown that, all other things being equal, those who marry around age 24 (for the man) and 22 (for the woman) have the best chance of staying together. Further, your wife will have an easier time conceiving and bearing children than if you wait until she's in her 30s or especially 40s.
In short, if you experiment with guys you may find out that that feels good, but so what? Your greatest opportunity for enduring happiness will be with a woman who loves you and with whom you can create and nurture new life.
A quote within the emailed question, "I also live in constant fear that one day I'll wake up and find my wife/girl friend unattractive and regret the decision I made as a young guy. "
Unless we die young, we all grow old. And that means wrinkles for all. I married late in life, ten years ago at 40, and sometimes regret not marrying earlier in life. My wife is in menopause and probably won't conceive.
Going back to the wrinkles, for some reason society accepts a wrinkled guy, but doesn't like wrinkled females. That's why there are all those creams and lotions in the market. (multibillion dollar industry) If you love her, if you can't go a week without calling her or seeing her, (not just for sex) it is likely love.
Most women do not understand the concept of bisexuality in a marriage. It will likely take one or two more generations for society to open up, to be similar to the ancient Greek society. Also, only in hollywood does a woman get stays slim after having children.
If you see yourself as a father, go for it, and marry, and accept buying lot's of creams to prolong the day of wrinkles.
Good advice to this young man. Well done.
I am a 24 year old turkish guy from Istanbul. all my life I have been only with men since I had my first sex. I had no relationship with a man in last 5 years since I accepted my sexuality. I just had one night stands and I got rid off this. I feel so lonely. although I do not believe in %100 heterosexuality, I am mostly attracted to str8 men. I can imagine myself in a relationship only with a str8 man. coz I don't like gay lifestyle and many stereotypical gays around the world. I am wishing a wife and kids for myself in the future. I never had sex with a woman until now. but since my puberty, I like watching str8 porn and the thought of fucking a woman turns me on. the problem is I am quite picky :) so I could have fucked a woman already , but I rejected them.I can be a good husband and a good father. but I know that this need of being with a man, need of a male companionship including sex will always be with me throughout my life. Some may call me egoistic. but I just want a good mother to my kids. Bcoz I know that a mother's love is really different than that of father's for the kid. I think all this gay marriage thing is bullshit. That's why I want my kids to have a real mother.
The Greek were right :) Their lifestyle was ideal for everyone on this world. and they knew this thousands year ago. pity that all these "gay, bi, str8" labels exist today. these labels were absent two hundred years ago. people were more flexible and happier.
I think we are deeply confused as humans about our sexuality. It is the confusion that makes up human. I'm 52 and have been bi-sexual since 32. My wife and children have no idea and I am very careful about how I conduct me life. My wife and I have been together since we were 18 and we love each other deeply. We have regular sex and I enjoy it. I am very physical and enjoy active, sensual play, but my wife is conservative and passive. She is an outstanding mother, nurturer, carer and friend - not a great lover - but so what! She is gentle and warm and a wonderful home maker. We all have strengths and weaknesses. I enjoy her friendship and laughter, but get my deep sexual pleasure from men. I love their energy, strength and physicality. I have reasoned that this is how it is going to be. I actually want both. Yes, it is selfish - but I need both. I made a commitment to my wife to be her husband and I plan to keep it. Over the past 20 years I have agonised over my behaviour, but come to the realisation that the trauma and hurt that it will cause my wife and children is just too much to bear. I have a very public job in a very conservative community and coming out would definitely end my career and compromised our financial situation which is so comfortable. If I had my life over again and I knew what I know now - no I would not have got married. Stay single and enjoy both without having to live a double life. It is highly stressful and dangerous and so unfair to your partner. Enjoy both without guilt. You may lose having a hetro family experience, but the you will also lose the stress and trying to balance both. Play the field - nibble on all the fruit. If you can be satisfied by one - then commit. If not - leave the commitment story and find a place where you can be you.
You are too young to start making such big compromises. Tell your girlfriend about you being bi, or hint at it, to see her reaction. If that's not ok with her, tying the knot with her will be a huge compromise down the line--especially because there are women out there who will tolerate, and even enjoy, having a bi partner. I say this as a straight woman who would love to have a bi husband who shags a man every now and then. It's hot. Maybe most women wouldn't agree, but all you need to do is find the one woman who is down with it and will make you happy. Times are a-changing--- with swinging becoming more and more popular, I think more women are comfortable with this kind of open relationship. You should at least explore this option for a few years.
Not telling your wife-to-be something of this importance is basically the same as lying. You are cheating yourself out of being happy, and in doing so cheating her out of a happy relationship, and likely cheating some other girl out of the chance to be with the bi guy of her dreams.
I do agree with you about probably doing things differently when I was younger.
Still, there is a misconception, I believe, that by not committing with a woman, and following along with the "feelings" for men, that there will be a "Happy Life" with a man.
Let us all be honest: the odds of eventually establishing a healthy, well-grounded long-term fully committed relationship with a man are VERY slim.
As a Bi-Married man (in my second marriage by serious choice), I believe for those of us who do enjoy sex AND relationships with women, that there is a strong desire to have that fully committed relationship.
For 6 years (which I understand is not THAT long), following that "gay" side of me, I could not find a man whose personal dysfunction (which we all have) was manageable to allow a healthy relationship. I finally decided that I preferred the RELATIONSHIP and emotional intimacy that comes with a woman was much more important and satisfying than just trying to let my sexuality rule my life.
So you see, after my divorce from a wife of 16 years, and the six years of "gay" living, I did have the opportunity to not commit to another woman.
I did CHOOSE to, and I am very happy, and satisfied.
My advice....take time to know yourself and what is of greatest priority in your life. You may think sex is the biggest controlling factor (your a young man w/ strong hormones.lol..), but really decide what you want from life. THEN, and only then, make the choice to follow those priorities. You may feel some type of regret either way you decide. But sleeping at peace through the night counts for a lot.
After 14 years of marriage, I recently told my wife that I am bi. She busted me on a gay porn site I visit a lot. We had some rough times where she thought I was going to bolt out the door, but in the end it has helped us. We are now more open about out sexual needs and wants. "
I have never steped out on her, nor will I ever. We have been together sincehigh school ansd neither of us has ever been with someone else. Marriage whether between straights or gays or bi's is a commitment that is to be respected in my mind.
Would I do things differently now? Hell yes, I would have explored guys before I got married, but more importantly I would have told her before I got married. You are at the point where you can say: if she doesn't accept me as I am, then maybe she really isn't the one. Because you'll be hiding a side of yourself for a long time otherwise. Take it from me that's not easy.
I want to encourage you to be honest with your girlfriend. You must tell her of your bi-ness if you are to live your life freely and confidently. I echo so many of these responses: if you don't communicate with her and you two are married you will be forcing yourself into a box of your own design. Marriage does not change your sexual preferences . . . in fact I would say that marriage amplifies them in yourself.
You will be dealing with your attraction for other men the rest of your life and the longer you're married the harder it will be to come clean with her.
I made that mistake, and because I value my commitment to my wife and kids I suppress my bi nature. It's not fun at all - it makes you miserable at times. I would not wish anyone to live like this.
Bisexual men come in many different varieties. I have found myself much much more emotionally connected to women. And have explored enough Queerness to know though I would miss being with men it is not an issue if with the right woman. The problem is of course meeting the right woman. And in today's culture we are still getting over bi-phobia and many women don't understand it. Luckily over the years I found a lot of bi girls who made great partners and a couple of gay men who made me happy - though I always missed T & A. Am I "straight leaning" not really as I always preferred Queer bi woman and those relationships were just as Queer as being with guys. The more bisexual men and women are allowed to exist unquestioned in our culture the more we will be able to discover what and who will truly make us happy.
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