Simple Math

I got a few emails from some guys (always the anonymous commenters) who say I should stop dating guys. That it's hard enough out there for gay guys without us so called "bi" guys messing things up. That's funny.

Statistics show that 10% of the population is gay.  As of 2009, the world population was estimated to be 6.798 billion.  In the United States, the population is 307,958,000, which makes the gay population approximately 31,000,000.  Does it matter that I have a relationship with one of those guys?  Or even over a period of time, 40 of those guys?  Does that affect you so adversely?

Aren't you being a bit selfish to want all thirty one million of those guys all for yourself?  Aren't you satisfied to  allow some of us to have a relationship with a small number of those gay guys, and keep, lets say, the other thirty million?  Honestly, I don't think even I could use a whole million, even if I tried!

What makes you so righteous to presumably issue the gay permit to who YOU decide deserves it?  Why are you the one to decide who gets that permit?  What if one of those gay guys decides, "hey,. I'm not gay anymore! I prefer women." Are his feelings not worthy of getting out of the club?  Isn't he ultimately the one who should decide who he wants to sleep with and what makes him happy?  Is it alright for him to get out of the club, and turn in his permit?  Why should he have to check with you, the "gay grand puba"?

If I decide to sleep with men only, women only or men and women, honestly, I don't want it to affect your mathematical chance of having a relationship.  Maybe your jealous that, even though I've only "locked up" a few guys that could be available in your gay pool, you still have nothing.  Thirty nine million, nine hundred ninety nine thousand to one..  The odds just aren't enough in your favor, are they?


I won't tell you who to sleep with.  I'm going to be kind, I'll only need less than a million men for myself over my lifetime.  I'll leave the rest to you.  I think that's more than fair.

Somehow, I think you'll still be home, reading my blog, wondering why you're sitting alone, reading about my life.  Why am I able to garner the attention of the men that you simply haven't been able to?


It's simple math. 6.798 billion people in the world.  US has 307,958,000. And yet there you sit..being a bitter and mean person rather than going out and using the odds to your advantage.

Bi Blood Test

God, I've gotten to this point in my life, and I still have doubts sometimes.  It's crazy!


These are the feelings I have...sometimes, god, I can't wait to be with another man..sometimes, I'm just repulsed by sex with another man.  Does that make sense at all?

Last week I saw Jessie.  I was really looking forward to seeing him again, after his few days away.  It had been a week since we had sex..and I was horny as hell.  We met at the motel, chatted briefly and then got to business.  Kissing, touching, blowing, then fucking ensued.  Was pretty hot.

But I left there..feeling..."ugh"  Anyone know what that feels like?  I mean, anal sex..I've written about it before..just sometimes..is..nasty I think. I mean, shit happens there, literally!

Don't get me wrong..I still love looking at pictures of hot guys.  It seems I still have that attraction..sometimes....but it's feelings like those that make me wonder if I'm Bi at all! Maybe it's a sexual addiction.  Maybe it's the rush of doing something I shouldn't do.  Maybe it's a replacement for intimacy that I don't receive at home.  MAYBE I'M NOT BI!

It's funny, I've received dozens of emails and comments from guys saying "Get over it.  You're a gay man! You're just denying it!"  Well, how does this revelation reconcile with that?  Maybe I'm not in fact gay man, maybe I'm not even a bi man, maybe I'm fucking straight (oh the horror!)

It would be much easier for everyone if we were able to go into a doctor or clinic.  Roll up our sleeves and take a blood test.  We'd wait..nervously wondering...until the doctor comes in, sits us down to break the news.  "I'm sorry sir, it seems that our blood test reveals that you are in fact ______."

I wish I could fill in the blank!

Thanksgiving Confusion

I just want to wish all my readers a Happy Thanksgiving and hope you are all celebrating with your friends and/or families!

I will be traveling over the holidays, but you will continue to see new posts, so check back often.

I also have changed the blog header pic to the Brokeback Mountain pic above.  I loved that movie..and until I find something better, that's it for now.

Also, I deleted a post from an anonymous writer.  It was mean spirited, nasty and rude.  It's the first blog comment that I deleted that I can think of (unless it was spam).  I can take criticism..and have posted criticism, but there's a difference when you receive essentially, hate mail  I won't tolerate that anymore.  So if you post a comment, be civil or get lost.

I saw Jessie as expected on Tuesday.  We hung out at our usual place. I donno...maybe its him..maybe its me, maybe it something else....we had a hot time..he's great to talk to.  When I don't see him, I look forward to seeing him.  But is it horniness that draws me to him or lov, er, like?

Humpy Humpy

Can You Give Good Header?

In keeping with the blog makeover, some have suggested I change the blog "header" picture.  I happen to like the current picture ("Threesome"), even though the quality is not that good.  When I found it, I immediately felt a connection to it. It shows the strong emotional feelings that I have had with a man and a woman.  The red hands accentuating the heart.

I did look for other pictures or images when I was starting the blog.  I thought, maybe a guy being tortured, or tied up.  Not for masochistic reasons, but as a result of my tortured feelings.  Or a picture of someone being literally torn in half.  Maybe a picture of someone who is an angel and devil...

I do know that Threesome is not perfectly formatted for this blog.  I would prefer something more horizontal than vertical.

Anyway, its your turn.  Anyone want to email me some submissions for blog header, I'd appreciate it.  If I get some good submissions, I'll post the ones I like, and we can have a contest...the winner will be the new blog header.

***

BTW, Jessie comes back today, and I'm meeting up with him later I think, and hope.  I'm looking forward to seeing him again, and I've been incredibly horny since he's left.  His texts over his vacation were some what..girlie :)  He told me we need to talk "about stuff" and I asked if he was pregnant.  Thank god he's not :)

I think I got the gist of what "stuff" means...He keeps asking me about my "ex" and who I am seeing while he is away (I'm not seeing anyone).  I think stuff  = relationship and I think he is going to ask me my feelings about..making thsngs more permanent.  My answer?   I probably would agree that we need to spell out the boundaries of our relationship, even though, at this point, I have no interest in being with someone else other than him.

But, on the other hand, I think he's moving a little fast, although usually I am the one moving fast.  I do care about him, we have great times together, sex is beyond hot.  There is this thing about his wife though.  I get the feeling he's got problems at home, with his wife.  (PLEASE, don't email me saying "DUH! of course he's got problems at home, he's being fucked by a guy!"  I'm talking other issues that are causing troubles).  I don't want to be the one that drives him away from his family, because I'm not leaving mine.  So I'll let him know my concern.


But, he's got to ask first....and maybe getting his college ring to wear around my neck would be nice :)
I'll let you know...

A Piece of the Pie

Here's a comment I received recently, and again, some people just don't get it:

****
This is not going to be a supportive comment, but I do mean it well. As background, I am a straight (I think) married guy, who is drawn to bisexual images and stories, but who has not acted on these. That's my dilemma, but I think that you are really cheating both your wife and family. A job, a blog, working out "five days a week", lunch dates, afternoon motel hookups, texting all weekend -- when are you a father? I have found many of your posts to be simply narcissistic, in particular how your focus on young, "A&F" types. Even if I discover that I am truly bisexual, I hope to never lose the personal discipline to be a father and husband first, before anything else. Perhaps this sounds contrived to you, but I have always tried to live this way, and I think you are letting some people down who are more important than you.

****
I have to ask, is that all you do is write comments to blogs? I mean, you say you're straight, married, but drawn to bisexual images..hmm..so you spend your time writing comments AND looking at naked men online?  You're life is consumed with those two things, correct?  I mean, even though you didn't tell me that you are gainfully employed, spend time with family and friends, socialize, maybe workout, eat at normal hours, shit and piss, and brush your teeth, being relatively intellectual, I don't dismiss the fact that you probably do all those things (OK, maybe except the brushing of your teeth).

So, why can't you understand that you're not seeing the full picture when reading my blog?  I could go on and on about how I wake up at 5am every morning, before my family awakes, pee and brush my teeth, get dressed, go outside, pickup my newspaper, warm up my car and drive to my gym to workout.  I could go into the various routines I have at the gym, the cardio I do 6 days a week, the weights I lift daily.    I could explain how I rush back from the gym to wake up my sons and prepare them for school and see the both of them off at their buses, before taking some quiet time for myself to shave and shower before heading to work, all before 8am.

I could tell you about the Starbucks coffee I chose that day to drink in the traffic I hit on the LIE on the way to work, or on my way to whatever appointment I have that day.  I could tell you how I'm sitting at my desk well before the actual day starts so I can get some alone time at my desk to clean up before the hectic day begins.  I could explain about the nasty man that works in the office down the hall, or the never-ending copier problems our office always seems to have.  Would that be interesting to read?

Would you like me to explain how some days, even though there's a cement wall between us, I hear people coughing and sneezing in the office that borders mine, and sometimes I can even smell that they have ordered a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel?  That some days I can work until 6 or 7pm, and still not clear the files that seem to multiply on my office floor?  How about that on almost every day, I head back home, sometimes if I'm lucky enough, in time to have dinner with my family, but almost 100% of the times to at least tuck my littlest into bed before a our own personal "tickle time fest".  How about that every day I ask how their day was, how school was, and how they did on their tests?

Are you interested in the fact that when there's a basketball game, or baseball game, I am sure to be coaching to in the stands cheering my sons when they do well and explaining the importance of being a good loser when things don't?  Would you like to hear about the breakfasts that the kids beg me to make on the weekends, or the special lunch or dinner meals I love to prepare my family on weekends?  Is that what you're interesting in reading on this blog?

You see, dear commenter(s), this blog is but a slice of my life, just like I assume, your comments and interests are but a small slice of yours.  The blog timeline also is quite a bit different from real life.  In the past 6 months of this blog, you've heard sexual and non-sexual stories and thoughts from my days in college, over 25 years ago.  Do you think all this happened to me in the last week? 

It's also probably not as interesting to hear about the daily family things that happen each and every day in my life.  It's not the reason behind this blog.  I suppose there are those that may read my blog and think that because every entry is about sex, deceit and relationships, or the hunt for sex and relationships, that those are the things that encompass my entire being.  I, however, would like to give the benefit of the doubt to my readers, and think they are smarter than that.

For those that aren't, I have located a blog that should interest you.  It seems right up your alley.  dullestblog.com Enjoy!

Google Translater/Traductor Goodgle

I've installed google translater for those in any other language (see bar on right).  Just pick your language and presto!  BI LIKE ME in your language!
Pretty neat!

He instalado el traductor de google para los de cualquier otro idioma (ver la barra de la derecha). Simplemente elija su idioma y ¡listo! BI como yo en tu idioma!

Todo en orden!
J'ai installé traducteur Google pour ceux de toute autre langue (voir encadré ci-contre). Il suffit de choisir votre langue et presto! BI comme moi dans votre langue!

Pretty neat!

Ich habe Google Übersetzer für die in einer anderen Sprache installiert (siehe Leiste rechts). So wählen Sie Ihre Sprache und presto! BI LIKE ME in Ihrer Sprache!

Pretty neat!

התקנתי מתרגם Google עבור אלה בשפה אחרת (ראה פס מימין). תבחרי השפה שלך Presto! ה-BI Like Me בשפה שלך!Pretty neat!

मैं किसी अन्य भाषा में उन लोगों के लिए गूगल अनुवादक स्थापित किया है (सही पर पट्टी देखें). बस अपनी भाषा और हाथ की सफ़ाई लेने! द्वि तरह अपनी भाषा में मैं!

मस्त!

Saya sudah menginstall google penerjemah bagi mereka dalam bahasa lain (lihat bar di kanan). Hanya memilih bahasa Anda dan presto! BI LIKE ME dalam bahasa Anda!

Pretty rapi!
Ho installato il traduttore di Google per coloro che in qualsiasi altra lingua (vedi barra a destra). Basta scegliere la vostra lingua e presto! BI come me in your language!

Pretty neat!

Eu instalei o tradutor do Google para aqueles que em qualquer outra língua (ver barra à direita). Basta escolher o idioma e pronto! BI LIKE ME na sua língua!

Pretty neat!

Я установил Google переводчиков для тех, кто в любой другой язык (см. Бар справа). Просто выберите нужный язык и вуаля! Б. подобного Мне на ваш язык!

Довольно просто!

Jag har installerat Google översättare för dem på något annat språk (se bar på höger). Välj bara ditt språk och presto! BI LIKE ME på ditt språk!

Pretty neat!

Blog Issues?

Jess is away, so, some relative calm, blog-wise.  Tuesday or Wed we plan on meeting, and I'm sure it'll be hot.  I'll catch you up then..but, don't worry, I have other things to talk about till then...

I've received a few emails that there are some issues connection with my blog.  I've removed a "widget" which may have caused slow loading.


I'm also looking playing around with the blog template..set-up and colors, etc.  Just to give it a little different look.

Let me know if you have any other problems..appreciate the help!

Thanks, and have a great weekend!

Oh, here's a pic to tie you over:

Odd Similarities

I don't know you, do I?

Weird, I kept getting that odd feeling.  I was sitting at lunch with Jessie..we were talking about a family trip he was planning and I was giving him some advice since I had been there before.  He said that I probably got hit on by all the girls in my office, and I explained I always keep my distance, especially after my psycho secretary thing (See Scare of a Lifetime).   I told him the story and he had one of his own, but brought to the next level.  I won't go into it, but suffice it to say that he had to leave a job after some news got around.

Then we got to suspecting wives.  He told me of a time he was caught with his hand in the proverbial "cookie jar" when his wife found calls to a gay phone sex line on his phone bill.  I was speechless!  All I said was "No way!"  My mouth must have been wide open hitting the table (with flies buzzing around).  Then I told him of my similar story and similar outcome. (Phone Home).  It was all too strange.
 
I briefly pondered the thought that this person is a follower of my blog.  Could this person sitting opposite me be stalking me?  I mean, he had the same, exact story! Is that possible?  I also thought that I would tell him about my blog, so to show him the scary similarities.  After some careful thought and a gut and reality check, I decided that he wasn't my stalker blog reader (that position still remains open).  I also decided that i wouldn't disclose my blog to him.


I also told him that I found his sexual abilities and his openness to sex unusual.  That a guy, new to the scene, usually is not one to, let's say, jump into the whole anal sex thing so quickly and with such zeal :).  For me, I actually had nothing to do with anal sex for a good 7 years or so after I began fooling around with guys (I know, 7 years! can you believe?).  It was something I wasn't interested in exploring, and, for the most part, it grossed me out.  It wasn't until more recently that my interest in anal sex was acted on.  He explained that although he had experienced it once in college and one other time about 6 years ago, it wasn't until recently that he began exploring it again (with one other hook-up).  Now, he feels that connection with where he can be comfortable in exploring things he enjoys (and boy! does he enjoy it!).

As usual, our lunch flew by.  I soon looked at my phone and noticed 5 emails, 3 voice mail messages.  He also started receiving texts from his wife asking when he would be home.

Great interesting, conversation -- oddities included.

Little Adjustments

The weekend was fantastic.  I didn't get to see Jessie, obviously, with us both having family lives to concentrate on...but we did text all weekend.  We had some great conversations..we both got to know each other pretty well.  Funny, it doesn't really take face-to-face meetings to get to know someone.  We texted about family life..kids, wife issues...sex...was very fun.

My feelings about him have changed also..for the better.  Before the weekend, I had some trepidations about the Man-Boy thing.  Don't get me wrong, we had a hot time together and I really enjoyed him and his personality.  But, I was concerned body-wise, and personality-wise, we weren't a match.  I think that thought is pretty much out the window, and I'm happy for that.  After our texts, I couldn't wait to see him again.  I got real horny thinking about him...actually had dreams about him.  I'm very excited.

I found myself less inclined to check out the usual hookup sites like I normally do in my free time (some of you may know of the constant draw/addiction to those sites).  Haven't looked on Craig's, no Cock Hunt, nothing.  That's a good thing, no?


On Monday, we talk..he says.."how's your schedule today?"
I say, "pretty open"   "Wanna meet?"
"Sure", he says. "Lunch?"
"Well, we could do lunch if you want, or hit the motel again.  Up to you."
Do I have to explain what he chose?

We met at the same motel, this time I picked up the bill.  We met inside, got undressed and headed for a shower.  After, we had the usual fun in bed.  I felt more comfortable being around him physically.  He is obviously into me (I don't say obviously in a cocky way, I mean, I can tell from his actions).  I am definitely into him too, yet, also unsure.  Is it just the fact that its someone new? Not Ross? The Man-Boy thing? Who knows! It's an adjustment overall.

We fucked in bed, then decided to shower again, and as we're heading there, I come up behind him in that familiar mirror/dresser area.  It seems to be our "spot" and we did it again.  He is totally into being fucked, more so than any other guy I've been with.  You're gonna laugh, but, being fucked does not necessarily equal a perfect match for me. lol...  I have no problem hanging with a guy, making out, oral, and jerking off.  That's hot too...  But Jess..he's just way into being fucked.  Adjustments...

We're gonna meet for lunch Wednesday. More then.

Hump Day

Walk Like A Man

You're all probably wondering what's been going on with Jessie.  Well, here is the update, and it's all pretty good.
The night of  our lunch date, we continued to text each other.  He told me how he couldn't wait to be together and how he enjoyed hanging with me that day.  I told him I felt the same way, but I'd prefer to really take things slow for a change.  "I'll leave it in your hands then" he said.  Comforting, but wrong hands!

The next morning, he asks if we can "hang" today.  I said, sure, just tell me where we're meeting. "well, are we talking or more?" he asks.  "Both I hope", I respond.  So much for reliable hands and taking things slow! We plan on meeting at a motel nearby.  When I got there, he had the room and was waiting inside.  I open the door, step inside to see him just emptying his keys, etc. on the dresser, in a suite and tie.  Very handsome.  I give him a hug, and we kiss before, relaxing on the bed and talking.

As I talk to him, I feel very comfortable. I tell him how easy it is to talk to him, how we seem to have a lot of common "hot points".  We're both married, both love our wives, kids, yet both find the urge that pulls at us.  Nobody I have ever been with, including Ross, has had the commonalities that I have with this person.  Ross was new...he had never had been with another guy and he was young...way too young as I have learned.  This guy is ...a Man!

 I even told him how this is all new to me, being with a Man. Jessie not only is mentally and chronologically a Man, but, physically, he is a Man.  He's actually huge!  His biceps are gigantic, his chest is wide and worked out and his legs are even muscled. Don't get me wrong, he's not a muscle head.  But, I was very surprised when he disrobed, because he doesn't give the appearance of such a worked out guy.  In his clothes, you just see a lean, in shape person  When he takes off his clothes, you can tell he works at it.  It's totally different than being with a boy.  Do I like it?  Funny, it really is an adjustment for me.  I loved being with Ross.  I loved the lean, newness to his body. His arms were incredibly cute, with lean definition.  His abs were defined..his long thin legs a thing of beauty.  Jess is a force to be reckoned with.

We did undress...and he is a very passionate person. I feel like because of this passion, he is a bit aggressive sometimes in bed.  That's not something I'm comfortable with.  It caught me unusual that he was so willing to basically do anything...get sucked, suck, rim, and get fucked in any position (and we tried 3).  If I didn't know better, I would think he wasn't married.  That thought went out the window when his wife called later and I heard the typical husband-wife conversation I've been involved in all too often.  Does he have experience that he's not disclosing to me?  Well, prior to being married, he did sow his oats. And since he decided this is something he wants to do (being with a man) he says he is jumping into this now with both feet.

He wanted to be fucked, and I obliged.  I fucked him doggy style, with him standing, hands on the dresser, both of us looking into the mirror.  It was pretty hot.  He kept saying how hard I was (my body that is) and how in shape I was, but I felt like stick figure compared to him.  He said it wasn't true.  Again, I think it's just getting used to being with a Man, as opposed to a boy.  It's like being in a movie theater. Sitting in a theater for 2 hours or so, when you walk out, it takes time for your eyes to adjust to the light.  My eyes have been in the dark for a very long time..


We had a great time.  After, we both jumped in the shower.  I'm pretty open about my feelings...I don't hide things.  I explained the Man-Boy thing I'm going through. I explained that he is a bit intimidating to me, body wise. I want him to know where I'm coming from.  He's a great person.  Wants to see me all the time..I get texts constantly "coffee?", "lunch?", etc.  He's obviously interested.  But, I need to take it slow (nice to say after we fucked).  I need to adjust..I need to finish my popcorn, I need to let my eyes adjust. I'd hate to ruin things simply because being with someone like him is not something I'm used to.  This could be the perfect situation for me..don't know why I have these doubts.

Sex Sells

As every blog starts....

"So"....

hope against hope, last week, I posted my ad...this time, I'm a little more ingenious as far as the advertising. Sex sells they say, so I entice with a sexy opening, but ultimately get to the specifics of what I am looking for.  Yes, I am looking for a relationship, with specific ages, body hair, straight acting, and the usual other requirements.  This time, KABOOM! more responses that usual, and one in particular stood out.

This guy is white, 36, bi, very good looking, or so he says, muscular, and masculine (I add the pics you see here, because believe it or not, that looks very close to the guy I met).  He is also looking for a regular hot fuck bud on the dl.  Sounds perfect, right? But, I'm suspicious.  Listen, I've been with the alleged crack head Model Boy and been blown off by someone who seemingly was  a perfect match before, too. And this email address, its all too familiar to me for known spammers..you know..a Hotmail account.  It seems like everyone who is fake emails from hotmail.  So, I asked for a pic since he didn't send one with his reply.

I reply to his email: "Send pic."

He does, and his ass shot is pretty hot.. .... intriguing....
I inquire if he has a AIM, Yahoo, etc. so we can chat...nope..doesn't.  ... strange...

We end up emailing a whole lot, and he says, to give him a call...calling from a blocked #? no problem he says, I don't mind a blocked number ...odd...

I call him after I leave work and we have a pretty nice conversation.  I explain to him that I am married, with kids, and he admits that he is also.  We chit chat about various things, and decide, lets do lunch the next day.  The next day, I email him, confirming, and he says he cant wait.

As I drive up to the restaurant that we agreed to meet at, I notice a relatively tall (but shorter than me), handsome, lean man in a suit, no tie.  Definitely not a walk by (def: "walk by" is scheduling a meeting with someone and walking by, and not stopping.  Doesn't meet his stats, doesn't match his pics, scary, etc).  I stop, stick out my hand, and shake Jessie's, introduce myself and say "nice to meet you."  He smiles.

We continue inside, order and have some great, comfortable conversation.  The restaurant was pretty busy, so, we didn't get to the dirty stuff, but, talking about work, life, kids, wives, married life, families, etc. can be very interesting.  I find that I like to learn about a person before jumping in the sack with him (did I say that? Jeez!).

Lunch was great...we head out..and he says how cute I am, how he hopes we can continue this conversation and get to the good stuff, so he can learn more about me sexually.  No time like the present I say! So we jump in his car, and head to a quiet street to talk.

He tells me he experimented with guys when he was in college.  Got married about 6 years ago, and has been very faithful until recently.  After a few hook-ups that he met online, he now has decided he wants to begin a relationship with another man and be totally discreet.  I explain to him my experiences, from my little college friend, to my more recent relationships and non-relationship hook ups (it occurs to me that I should just hand him a card with the words: BILIKEME and say, check it out -  but, I don't think that would be so comforting for someone).  I tell him, what I am looking for is not some fuck.  I can get that any time I look online.  What I want is a normal, discreet friend...with benefits.  Someone I can count on..and he can count on me.  Plus the added benefit that we have some hot sex.  He totally agrees.

We end up kissing a little in the car..and he certainly was excited (I can tell these things) and so was I.  He texts me later that we definitely should spend more time together to get to know each other...

I agree.  The Power of Marketing.

Spit Out the Window

God, my post Phone Home where my wife discovered, 14 years ago, charges on our phone bill for a gay sex line really hit a nerve.  I got lots of comments and most of them were venomous!

I was asked: "Have you ever asked yourself, if your wife is still in the marriage, because she wants a husband and all, yet she knows all about you?"

I have considered this.  However, for more than 14 years, we've raised two great children.  I have been there for every milestone, every family function, every holiday.  I am active in their sports, their schooling and the choices that inevitably come up in the raising of these kids.  We vacation together, we have holidays together, we are a family oriented household.  There was never a moment after that phone bill that my wife would question my dedication to our household unit.  Therefore, I do not believe that she should suspect any impropriety.

People have called me "dirtbag", a "cheat" and that I'm living "a secret life, care more about finding some guy to have a lopsided relationship" that I'm in "a bad place", and that "neither of you is ever going to be really happy." Others asked whether I "really want to continue my life this way?"

To this I can reply, that of course, for selfish reasons, I would love to be honest with my wife and family, and ultimately, myself.  Yes, things would be easier.  My personal life would breath a huge sigh of relief and just maybe, I would finally be happy with myself.  The marriage?  Well, yes, maybe my wife would consider staying in it for the sake of the kids, then dump me at the opportune time.  Maybe she sticks with me, seeing my unwavering dedication to the family as a benefit outweighed by my adulterous ways.  Or, she could decide this isn't for her, not what she wanted.  She doesn't want to share her husband with another man.  In any case, perhaps the truth would set me free and ultimately that should matter most.

But, being unselfish is the path I take.  I have chosen to remain a dedicated father and seemingly wonderful husband  I chose that path for the mental well-being of my kids.  I have decided that my happiness should take a backseat to the happiness and well being of my family.  Can you look at that and say, ultimately, I am actually really being selfish by choosing this?  That the unselfish thing would be to set them free?  I guess, but, my view is that my kids are #1.  I think an intact family benefits the children.  Divorce plays havoc with children's lives.  Divorced children are more likely themselves to have divorces, have developmental issues, school issues, social issues--all life long impacts on their well-being.

When your actions can affect something you love so profoundly, what choice would you make?

To those who are so nasty as to call me a dirtbag, let's see how perfect your life is!  Are you out? To everyone? Have you been truthful and honest in your relationships? How about your relationship with God?  Do you attend your services religiously?  Live the perfect life?  What are you doing on the internet, looking at blogs with naked pictures of men?  Isn't that being dishonest to your partner? Is it something your partner knows about and has approved?  Would they?  If they don't know..then you are being deceptive.

If you think I causally go about my day without thinking about how my actions affect my family or me, you're wrong.  Read  Corporal Punishment,  Therapy, Repent, Asked And Answered Raising Cain, among others on my blog.  Those posts show you the constant emotional struggle I go through every fucking day.  Maybe I should take a gun to my head, drive off the nearest bridge, or down a handful of toxic pills.  Is that your objective?  Believe me, I've pondered those choices.  But, that's the coward's way out.  It's also the easy way out.  If my existence revolts you so much, get the fuck off my blog, please..and don't return.  And go live your perfect life....

....but I think you return because you see some similarity, some resemblance to your life.  We all have something in our lives that could use improving.  Relationships, stereotypes, opinions, values...they all could be tweaked or bettered.  I am not a car accident, that you can't help but stare at just because you are curious.  You're looking because you too drive the same roads, taking chances, speeding, disobeying the traffic signs of life.  Please, make sure you direct the venom you feel to someone who deserves it, because should I see you on that road, broken down, or in an accident, you'll probably want me to stop and help you too...not spit at you out the window.

Remember: Spit out the window of a moving vehicle often comes back to hit you in the face.

More Email

 Names have been changed to protect the innocent:

*****

My name is ****  I am a gay man who enjoys reading blogs.  I am a little bit older than you but as i read more of your blog i am compelled to write.  I grew up in the 70's..homosexuality was very taboo.  I was raised in a very catholic home.  Went to catholic school and was even an altar boy.  I grew up in a very small town in western pennsylvania.  I had a friend who lived 7 houses up the street from me.  We are one month apart in age.  We went to school together and were playmates.  He and I were not the most masculine of guys but there was never a discussion about our sexuality.  As we grew older into high school he felt some of my friends were not the right type of folks to hang around with.  He was always and still is concerned with what others think.  While i was in college he came around to hang out from time to time. He explained why he distanced himself from me during those high school years.   I had girlfriends..but knew i was interested in guys.  He met a very wonderful girl and they started a relationship.  We would go out together all three of us.  I had some suspicions because at that point in time i was accepting who i was.  I was part of the wedding and i jokingly said that if he ever came out of the closet and broke her heart i would kill him.  Well just about 20 years later and one child approaching teen years..He met a guy..a guy who was much younger..and he started an affair.  Anyway in a short time he and the wife had the conversation.  They separated.  They are not divorced yet but that is only because she is an angel and has allowed him to take his time.  They will never get back together but i always look at her and think why could he not stand on his own two feet.  I came out to them both 20 years ago.  She has a lesbian sister.  She was always accepting of me and who i was.  She never was worried about me around their son.  She never would make snide comments about homosexuality.

I know acceptence of who we are takes time and in every case it is different.  I am not preaching to you nor do i want to upset you but as a single gay male who has problems finding a decent guy please just get the strength to be yourself.  I know you write that you know who you are and what you want...but i wonder.

I am sorry if this is a bit rambling but i am tired it is late...

My response:

Tomorrow..... and boy, do I have alot to respond to...

Hump Day Hotties

American Idol Flop

I've gotten exactly zero responses to my "Contest".  Bad idea?  Well, I can imagine a couple reasons why this didn't work..

• I'm too fucking picky!  Yes, I know it.  But, why should I settle?  I mean, if I'm going to have a relationship with someone, it should be with someone I am totally into, and who meets what I am looking for.  If I want to have sex, well, I can do that anytime, with anyone.. they don't have to be the perfect one.  But that's not what I was looking for on here.
•  Nobody wants to meet someone who "blogs" about their relationship. Yes, I did suspect this.  That was my reluctance in doing anything like this, and why I have resisted advertising for a relationship on my blog.  I received many comments and emails telling me the blog was a perfect way of finding someone.  I didn't think so, and my initial feeling is proving correct.  I suppose someone coming into a relationship with me would think that I would be telling the world about it on my blog.  While this could be true, its also something that would have to be talked about. It could be done without specifics..or it could not be done, other than to say, I'm in a relationship.  Who knows...
  
•  Nobody's reading my blog.  The numbers don't reflect this.  To date, I have over 30,000 hits, and I get emails and comments all day.  Readership is multiplying daily, and for this I am happy.
• Bad idea.  Yea, I think  it was.  It was funny though, I think.  Let's imagine how things would have gone...(cue spooky music, my face and keyboard begins to get fuzzy)....

So, here are the candidates for my American Idol.  They all send pic and a little blurb about themselves:

Hottie #1 : 
This fine young gentleman wrote how into a relationship he is.  He is a model in New York City.  Has a huge cock and can't wait to show me, if he can find the time.  He would like to set up a time and date for a meeting with me, as soon as he can break away from the mirror.  He writes "I'm super hot, have a great personality, and love to have someone please me.  Let's get together, right after I have my hair cut, go tanning and get my manicure."




Hottie #2:
This delicious young man is looking for love in all the wrong places..back rooms, book stores, bath rooms, internet..anywhere and everywhere. He posts ads of his ass, his cock and assorted other body parts online all the time.  Some pics have him inserting non-sexual items in sexual places, which totally gross most people out.  He's into scat, piss, shit, spit, and other assorted bodily fluids.  He loves rough sex, with chains, ropes, locks, and whips.  "Make love to me while you beat the shit outta me!  I love it all! Why can't I find the love of my life? I'm such a good boy!" he writes.





























Hottie #3:
This scrumptious lad is an American born "dude".  He's got great looks, a wonderful personality, wears Abercrombie clothes, along with other "cool" clothes.  He could be a model, although he feels its not the type of job he'd be happy doing.  Too shallow, too plastic... He says "I'm just looking for another hot guy for friendship.  Let's start there.  Then, hopefully, we end up being more than friends."  Although he is masculine, sexually, he is a bottom.  He'd love to find someone to meet, and develop that "friendship" he's been missing.










































Cue music..fuzziness now returns to clear.. 
Back to reality.....

Is there no one out there for me?  Did that proverbial boat pass?  Did I let the "one" go?  I can't believe that there is nobody  out there who is looking for that relationship I'm also looking for.  Hottie #3!!! Are you out there?

Phone Home

If you've read my blog from the beginning (and if you haven't, why are you starting here?) you know my experience with guys was limited before I got married.  Well, a few years after I got married, before the Internet age (it actually wasn't that long ago that the Internet didn't have much porn, or gay hook-up sites, and was mostly informational--how boring!) I saw an ad in the back of some newspaper for some Gay Hookup Phone Number.  Being curious, I called.

Well, it basically was a talk line..you hold on, and eventually get connected with other gay guys in your area.  There's lots of deep breathing, but mostly nothing going on.  But, being that this was my beginning stages, I kept calling.  Apparently, unbeknownst to me, this was a pay line..not a free line.  I found this out when, one day, I got home from work, and apparently my wife, who pays the bills, opened the phone bill to discover charges to some number totaling over $200.00!

When she told me, with tears in her eyes, I didn't know what to do.  We were basically newlyweds....and I had been secretly speaking to men behind her back.  As she cried..she told me she had called the number, out of curiosity as to what it was.  She was shocked to see it was a gay talk line.

I explained to her that I called the lines out of boredom..bored at work..not having anything do to, I called and talked to people.  She bought it..hook line, and sinker.

It was a big lie.  It may have been easier or even better at that point to say, "I'm Bi, I'm into guys too."  But, based on her reaction at the time, she would have left me -  I know it.  Also, at that time, I really hadn't explored men to the extent I have today.  Maybe, if I had my druthers, and I could do things over, things would be different.  But, its too late now.  Much too late.

We moved on from that phone bill.  We never spoke about it again, and I never, ever slipped up that way again.  But, that lie has snowballed for sure.  Trips with Ross were obviously not "business trips" as I described, and late nights at work weren't "long nights at the office".

It's a tangled web I weave...I'm not proud of it...

AI Part II

My American Idol contest got lots of comments, but no entries as of yet.  Maybe I'm scaring people off.  That's cool..I won't sweat it.

Some people have suggested I arrange a "social" for BILIKEME guys.  You know meeting at a local bar for drinks, etc.  Don't see how I can get all those closeted guys to suddenly come out .. maybe alcohol is the elixir.  I doubt it though.

Others are looking for my sloppy seconds..my throwbacks.  lol..I'm now some Mayflower Madam!  Maybe I can start my own BIHUNT, or BI.COM..interesting...I $ee potential. lol

Alas, all I want is someone for me.  That special person.  Maybe the AI thing was stupid, like I originally thought.  After all, can one find love on the internet?  Well, I found it once...was hoping lightening would strike twice!

The Next American Idol

I don't think I can stand it anymore!

Well, before I was with crazy Model Boy briefly, it had been about a month since I've been with someone--another man.  Yea, that didn't really work out real well.  It resulted in me feeling gross and dirty and starting this celibacy thing.  Not a good thing, for sure. It's led to me jerking off about twice a week or so and the rest of the time being very horny.

Some commenters have told me  what I was doing was growing as a person, realizing that random sex wasn't worth it.  I've been congratulated for maturing--I say PHOOEY!

Sometimes, I just need to feel the touch of a man, the kiss, the taste...and I'm getting close to that breaking point.  I don't necessarily want to engage in random sex.  I'd prefer to engage in a a meaningful relationship..one that begins slowly..and then is lasting.  Of course, who am I kidding!

Well, what's left other than have a contest?  It's a great idea when you think about it.  American Idol does it! I'm having my own American Idol.  So, I'm looking for "volunteers" that meet the criteria:

• Located in Long Island, New York (we can get into specifics later on)
• Ages (26-35)
• Body: in shape, toned, slim, lean..all good!
• Hair: prefer smooth, but guys with little body hair are encouraged to apply (please guys, if you look like you're wearing a sweater, don't apply)
• Cocks: Please have one! :) and make it cut, por favor!
• DDF ('nuf said)
• Bottom
• Have a place that we can hang at

..and a great personality would help too!

I've thought about guys who read this blog..they probably know a little too much about me.  That's why I resisted using this blog to meet any men.  But, despite my uncertainties, many of you have told me I should look on here.  So, I've revealed a lot on here..a little too much maybe.  You're gonna have to catch me up on a lot.  So, spill your life story to me. 

Worse come to worse, I get to know some of my readers better ...

Maybe YOU can be the next American Idol!

Email BILIKEME