A Ticking Time Bomb

OK, I knew it wouldn't last long. 

tick.... tick... tick...

Last week, I professed how I was almost disgusted by the hook-up I had.  It was gross, unappealing, not what I wanted.  I felt dirty, disappointed....

tick.... tick... tick...

Yesterday, I was in Temple, observing the holiest of holidays.  Begging forgiveness, absolution, and compassion....

tick.... tick... tick...
Now, I am back at my desk...working hard (or hardly working), surfing the web ..which leads to no good.

tick.... tick... tick...

How long can I last..how much can I stand it..


Promises, promises...how many times have we met?
Promises, promises, how many times have I broken them?

tick.... tick... tick...


can you hear the ticking?

Shit Happens & These are a Few of My Favorite Things

So, in my time perusing the guys out there, I've had my decent, and not so decent experiences. One that seems to happen sometimes, is when a guy isn't exactly "ready" to bottom.

Although I have never bottomed, I am told that a good bottom will douche with warm water prior to anal sex. This ensures that the rectum is clean (sorry for the graphic terms).

I've had my unfortunate results. Sometimes, when I pull out of a guys ass, the condom is uh, brown. Kinda gross. Also, sometimes there's that awful smell. Not appetizing. And neither is a strategy for a return visit from me. If I fuck a guy and the result is less than a positive experience, who wants to return to the scene of the crime (or grime)? Not me!

I also have other preferences on body hair. Some guys like hairy chests, bodies, pubes..for me? I like relatively smooth guys, although I don't like shaven pubes, I do like them trimmed. For some reason, Asians seem not to want to trim their pubes. I've been to Asian spas, where there are lots of Asians, and I like Asians, can definitely find them attractive. But the bushes? Oy Vey! Another problem with Asian guys is after I fuck one, in an hour I feel like fucking another (bad joke) :)

Lot's of guys have different preferences..some I find odd. Honestly, an out of shape guy not only turns me off, but sometimes I lose my appetite for days just thinking about the blubber. I know a very cute guy, handsome, small, hot..and he loves his boyfriend who is a bear. He goes crazy over him. I would puke.

I do like wife-beaters, and wear them myself. It looks very hot on a lean, in shape guy. Especially with a a tan.

There's also guys into other crazy things, fisting, piss, shit, just all kids of freaky stuff. Not me..I like nice clean sex. I don't even like rough sex, don't force me to do anything, and I won't force you. Let's do what we both enjoy doing. If I like you, there's probably very little (other than freaky stuff) that I won't do.

I once met a guy for a massage. He was young, hot and blond. As I got naked, and turned on my back for my massage, he got undressed and straddled me. When I turned over I saw what freaked me out. A Price Albert. For those of you who don't know what that is, its a piercing through your penis hole. GOD! I made him remove it, and asked that he not wear it again. But when he came, it came out like a sprinkler!

Drugs are a no-no too. Been there, done that. I try and live a clean lifestyle. Everyone loves a bad-boy. I don't mind tattoos, even thought about getting one a few times. Love a strategically placed tattoo. Middle back, upper shoulder..lower back tramp stamp, yea, those are hot on the right body. But, where I'm more consumed with reading a guy than playing with his body? I think you've crossed the line...too may tats.

Boxers? Briefs? Hard to tell. I never really wear boxers, except to sleep or hang out and relax at home. I could never understand how you keep them neat in your jeans, or why you like them riding up your waist.  Ross wore boxers, but he could look hot in a paper bag. Boxer briefs? I went through that stage..but, they became hot in the summer..I'm a briefs guy now. Calvins. Hot guys in hot briefs = perfect combination.

Repent!

For those who don't know, this is the weekend for the beginning of the holiest of Jewish holidays, Yom Kippur.  Yom Kippur is the day that God supposedly writes in his "book of life" or "book of death."  It is a time for repentance, for absolving yourself of your sins, and begging for forgiveness.

I can think of more than a handful of things to ask for forgiveness from.  If you've been reading my blog, you know the list .. infidelity, dishonesty, lying cheating, its never-ending.

But, the real question is, if I pray for forgiveness yearly, and really mean it, then am I absolved? Do I get a clean slate?  Is the count now..no strikes?   Because, while I'm not necessarily a religious Jew, my conservative upbringings have given me a pretty good background on which to base my beliefs. I can pray..and I have no problem begging..

My problem is, once that slate is clean, I know the chalk lines will appear.  Maybe not right away, but, nonetheless, its inevitable.  If I am absolved by God, then commit the same indiscretions as before, will I be absolved yet again next Yom Kippur?

Its like a Get out of Jail Free Card...for a man on death row.

A good fast to all those who are observing.  For those that aren't, maybe we can all use a little repentance, no?

A Brother In Arms

It's nice to hear from my readers.  Here's one I received recently:

****

Bilikeme:

It's amazing how providence or fate or whatever works.

Earlier this week, I was seriously toying with starting an anonymous blog about my secret life.  I've never blogged before, and so I was thinking through the implications, how'd I'd ensure my privacy, exactly what topics I'd cover, etc.  How much psycho-babble did I want to get into?  How explicit did I want to be about encounters - past or present? Etc...

Then somehow, I stumbled onto your blog.  I wasn't even looking for blogs by bi guys.  But one of the blogs I was looking at had a link to yours, so I checked it out.  WOW!  Were we separated at birth?

We have very similar stories: 40-something, East Coast, married, three kids, wife doesn't think outside of the box, would be very upset to learn of my secret, not popular in high school, and so on.  Okay, I know from your description that you're in much better shape than I am; I'm just average.  And you're either full of yourself (JK!) or you're probably better looking than I am, although I've never scared away children or small animals, so I guess I'm not THAT bad!  :-)

Your blog was a bright spot.  I felt a real connection to you and your story.  I've always known that I'm not alone in my situation, but it was great to read about you and your experiences.  I'd love to keep in touch ... if that's something you'd even have time for ... what, with all the other bi dudes out there competing for your attention!  :-)

(As you can tell, I'm a bit of a smart ass...)

Seriously, though, I do appreciate your blog and I hope you'll keep up the good work.  I may still do my own blog, if for no other reason than than for the catharsis I think it might bring.  If I do, please don't look at it as competition.  Look at it as the musings of a "brother in arms."

Anonymous

****

It's funny how my stories are similar to others.  When your in your own world, you think you're the only one. If it helps you, it definitely helps me too. ;)

This post also allows me to showcase someone I think is very hot:  Scott Herman, who was on Real World, Brooklyn.  He's..incredible. Don't ya think?

Updates and The "G" Word

Some quickies:

1) The psycho secretary moved out of the country a couple weeks ago.  I haven't heard from her (thank god).
I know she knew something..I just don't know what that something was.  In her email, she says stuff like "be true to yourself" and "I know you can be happy if you are who you really are" and that if I choose to she is "sure HE can make you happy".

It's all too coincidental.  Yea, she could have been fishing, or just reacting to my turn down of  her advances, but I get the feeling its more. Of course, I'd love to know what it is, but, I am happy I don't have to deal with it anymore.  Can you see the sweat on my brow? lol

2) Ross: He called me yesterday.  It was weird.  After all that time with him, talking and texting him, his calls surprise me now since I don't speak to him that often, talk online briefly, and never hear an actual call.  He had a few seconds waiting for a plane, and just called to chat.  I didn't say anything about missing him, wanting him or anything. I kept it purely "professional" and unfortunately, so did he.  He did say we should do dinner one day..so, waiting on that.

3) I'm still on my sexual celibacy kick, if you want to call it that.  My last experience really turned me off, for lack of a better explanation.  I want more..and still looking for it.  I know my celibacy will last as long as my next horny spell..but for now, it's better than fucking around and feeling bad about it.

4) OK, celibacy (maybe I should call it a "break" or pause) but I'm not a priest!  I went to the gym this morning, and the guy who's there every day at the front desk was working out, which I never see him do.  He's young, I think 26, Italian, but definitely straight though.  He was on the elliptical, and I must have caught him at the end of his cardio.  He was gleaming with sweat and was wearing a wife-beater (sha-WING!).  I said good morning, headed to my treadmill and he got off, went to his desk, and took off the wife-beater to change shirts. His body was smooth and hot, ripped abs..

Better than a cup of coffee! (easy, easy..celibacy, remember?)

5) I appreciate everyone's support and comments!  Keep 'em coming!

 *****



Is the "G" word equal to the "N" word?

It seems that kids these days (I speak from my experience with my own kids) use the "G" word for everything. We're watching a baseball game, and an umpire is "Gay" for making a bad call. We play basketball, and I'm Gay for the ole' look over there trick as I score 2. It's Gay to have to read at night for school homework.

It seems that some kids are using the Gay word all too often and in a derogatory way. They don't necessarily intend to say someone is homosexual, but they are voicing their displeasure at an action, or its a reaction to something they perceive as bad.  I know, historically speaking, Gay's cannot claim they have the same history as African American's, although Homosexual's have indeed been persecuted.   I also know the "N" word is definitely not on par with the Gay word (as a matter of fact, anyone can use the Gay word, as I have here, but hardly anyone will use the "N" word, other than how I've used it here).

I've tried to discourage the Gay word. I've told my son that using that word is like using the "N" word. When you describe someone as a Jew, or an Asian, Greek, Southern, etc., you are using a word that, unless you are specifically talking about a person's ethnicity, race, religion, or sexuality, you're taking a Noun and making it an adjective. Someone should not be described as "Greek", "Latin" or "Gay". Someone is Greek, Latin or Gay. You're changing the use of the word to be derogatory to someone.

I know we all do it. I've done it myself, even have described someone as Gay in this blog, in probably several places. But, as a young child growing up..it should be discouraged.

Scare of a lifetime

This is scary. Every bi, closeted guy's worst nightmare. The possible outing! (cue scary music, lightning and thunder).

I'm pretty careful in my dealings online. I don't use my real name, and rarely, if ever use a face pic. I also don't give out my phone number. But I had this crazy person (female) working in my office. Constantly coming on to me. Sending me emails, little post-it notes, text messages, and even facebook messages of of how cute I was. I was grossed out, not only because I thought that it was trampy, but also because I'm her boss, and I told her on more than one occasion that her comments were inappropriate.

Well, after I told her of my disdain for her actions, things finally calmed down. After about 6 months, she gave her notice. She was moving on. Thank god, I thought. However, this gave her the freedom to make any sexual comments she wanted without care if she gets fired (she was leaving in 2 weeks and frankly, we needed her to train the new person).

I get a text message saying "if you want me to bend over for you to put me over your desk, I will!" That was it. I had had it. This was beyond going over the line. I just told her how inappropriate it was, and how I wanted her to stop emailing me, texting me and the like. She says, "its ok, I know your secret. I know why your not interested in me." GASP!!!

WOW! That's a shocker. Beyond shocking..potentially devastating. The secret I've kept from everyone, from my family, from my friends, has now fallen into the hands of a psycho! Jeez, thank god I was able to dig that ditch deep enough that no one ever found her (ONLY KIDDING!)

Actually, I WAS freaking. I was speechless, and for the next 10 days, I ignored her every comment, and avoided any contact, either eye or otherwise with her. I was incredibly interested in finding out what she knew and how she knew it. But I didn't dare ask. I couldn't. How could I look her in the eyes, and deny what I know is true? It would be hard, that's for sure. I mean, maybe she had actual proof, like a friend she knows who I hooked up with someone or something. I have no idea.

I called Ross, I called Lance..I fucking IMed a few of the guys I "know". Nobody spoke with her, nobody knew her, nobody would betray my trust like that.

She left on the Friday that I had been out of the office all day. Good thing. That was something I didn't want to face. Phew! Tragedy averted. Breath..breath...sigh.

Unfulfilled

I woke up yesterday morning with an epiphany.

Epiphany:
1. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
2. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: "I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself" (Frank Maier).

The day before, I was so horny, I fucked this guy. I wrote about it on my blog. But yesterday, I felt...empty. Yea, I know, meaningless sex with strangers can do that. Keep your comments to yourself on that one.

But, its something else..or maybe not. Sex isn't as fulfilling as sex with someone you love, and care about (see Ross postings). Sex with him was never meaningless, and I never left there feeling .. empty.

This morning though.. I realized that maybe I want more. Not even maybe. I KNOW i want more. The problem is finding it. I would love to find someone who is into me, and who I'm into, and want to spend time with. But, its more...

Maybe, just maybe..having sex with someone on first site, isn't..fulfilling...isn't fun...isn't valuable, significant....not what I want!

I don't want to meet someone and jump into bed. I don't enjoy sex with strangers like that. It's not even...even appealing to me to fuck someone..to be in someone's ass (which is hard enough for me to think of). It's almost....almost..unappealing, gross...am I right on this?  Sex is gross?  Truthfully, having anal sex, isn't priority #1 for me.  It really takes time for me to want to do that with someone.  Has to be right, has to be clean..has to be....love.  Having sex with strangers is not the love I want.

I want what I had. I want what I had with Ross...except with someone else. Actually, I want it with Ross, but I know that's not even possible anymore, nor is it what I need. I want it with Ross' twin, only about 10 years older, and maybe he can be more available to me (and buy me a new wardrobe--hey, while I'm praying, I might as well ask for it all!) ;)

Yea, sex yesterday with Charlie was sex for sex's sake. It wont happen again.

Unless I'm horny. I give it a week. Two tops. Ugh!

A Little Laugh

Funny commercial. If one out of 10 guys is gay..you better start counting!



Thought this comedian was hilarious.  A couple minutes in she does some jokes about metrosexual guys..very funny.   Then at end, about Facebook.

A Hoodie

I must come off as some kind of slut.  I'm typing my blog, and I'm trying to give a background of what's happened to me over my life.  Every time I start writing about someone I'm with sexually, I'm thinking "everyone out there will think I just sleep around."  Well, I guess to some extent that may be true.  I am not monogamous in my marriage and I do get horny to be with a guy every once in a while.  But you, reading this, have gotten probably once a week hook up information from me.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  You've just received a crammed down version of my life.  Some of the things that have happened to me clearly are in the past.  Others are more recent, but not all in the short time that I've been blogging.

So, here we go again...this DID happen yesterday.  As you may remember, last week, I was pretty pent up with horniness...I think I blogged about it.  Yesterday, I get into work, and this guy, that I had chatted with before (yes another one of my bevy of beauties) was online.  A couple months ago, we actually met.  I went to pick him up at his office during lunch, and we chatted for a little.  At that time, we were both pretty horny, and we hit it off.  We went searching for a place to hang out..more intimately, if you know what I mean. ;)

We hit a couple motels, but were turned away for one reason or another..price, no vacancy, etc.  As our lunch hour ticked away, we decided, we better get back and Charlie and I would have to hang another day.  He was pretty cute, nice body, very smooth, and looked like he was maybe Latin.  He was pretty short, maybe 5'5, but was in shape.  On our way back, we stopped off in a remote area, and made out a little.  Seemed like things were going swimmingly.

Then, the next day, I emailed Charlie and he didn't answer back.  Over the next few days, I didn't get much of a response, other than he was busy .  "Odd",  I thought.  Until yesterday, when all of a sudden he's online and wants to chat.  So, here I am chatting away..and he wants to meet.  As I get his number and address of where he lives, Ross chimes in with his own IM, his trip was "great" business was "great" everyone asked for me.  Sorry Ross, gottta run! (tough shit I think).

When I get to his house, we headed to his bedroom.  Apparently, he just moved, has been outta town for a couple months (who cares, take off your clothes!).  We get naked start making out (or visa versa).  As I touch his incredibly smooth body, and ass, he kisses me, and sucks on my nipples, then my cock.  When we hit the bed, I rub his body, and take his cock in my hand and ..  stroke..uh..feel..something odd...it feels like..its ..well, just shaft..no head.

I know this sounds odd, but, I haven't been with a whole lot of uncut guys.  Not really accustomed to an uncut cock, and prefer cut guys.  But this guy..well..there was like no head!  I look down to see his hoodie..the foreskin comes completely over his cock head and there's this tiny tiny hole, where I assume opens to his cock head.  Never seen anything like it!

Anyway, he was very accommodating, turned over, I fucked him with a condom, and then he turned back on his back and I fucked him that way too...all the while, trying not to fixate on the hoodie.  After I came, I layed next to him, and he jerked himself off while I figured his ass. His cock head then made a brief appearance (hello!).  All in all, it was fun..but, the vision of that fucking hoodie haunts me!

Don't know if I'll ever hang with Charlie again.  He's hot...young..nice..but..I prefer my hoodies from A&F, not on a cock.

Lady Gaga Part II

Here's a follow up on LG:

*****

Hey!

Thanks for the super fun name! It made me giggle.

Humm, well I think the biggest clue was when I was looking at oh so sexy naked men on the internet. Had a page full loaded up, and went to the bathroom. I had left the stereo on, and I listen to it loud, so he did not hear me walk up to him. He was rock hard! And for better info, no females were on the page at all. And I caught him going thru my history and looking at my favorite sites.... all featuring naked men. Well, now that I have a 'posted' letter on your site, he would know that letter was from me...... and I love him, I don't want to push him away. He would die if he knew I was talking about him.

Another bed play fellow in my bed. Hey, I wouldn't turn it down to be honest with you! But, that is not my main focus. No, I want him to be happy. Yes, I did say I want him to be happy, and as long he keeps going home to me, fine fine. If we lived in a larger area, where we could be anonymous, then I would even think about inviting him into our marriage, as long as he understood he had to SHARE. Because as sweet as he is, I could not image him bringing home a guy that was a bastard of a person. And if it boiled out to having a full bed, fine, as long as both new guy and I got some alone time with my hubby.

I had a very active sex life before marriage, and after 10 years of so, the grind of sex with the same partner was driving me mad! And, so I stepped outside the marriage bed, and scratched that itch. He ended up finding out about it and was surprisingly fine with it. I just had to promise not to leave him. So, as you see this is not far out of 'normal' thinking for us.


hope this un-muddies the water a bit


lady gaga! lol

*****

Well, think that definitely explains some things...

First of all, Lady Gag is a bit, uh, shall we say, freaky? lol..she's no simple house frow.  There's the difference between her and my wife.  My wife wouldn't even think of looking at naked men on the Internet.  At least LG is open to new things (and apparently people) in her sexual life.  That's a good thing I guess, experimentation leads to happiness, especially when you include your partner.

I would still encourage LG to explain to her husband, maybe that she is interested in exploring a third person, even another man (oh my!) in the bedroom.  Maybe this will open the door to her husband saying he'd be willing to try it to. Then, let the fireworks begin!

For me, who know's...my wife isnt as open sexually as Lady, and, maybe that's the charm of her in one sense.  On the other side, its the crux of my biggest secret.

Lady Gaga

Here is an email I received from a married woman, who is questioning whether her husband is bi:


*******

Hi,

Found your blog tonight, and honestly can not stop reading, reading, reading.  I am a wife who does think outside the box.  And, have thought for years that my husband is bi.  And it really would not bother me if he had sex with other men.  Safely of course. But, I think he is still in denial.  So, lately I have been joking about the local ABS.  The reputation as a free flowing sex spot on weekends, maybe he should go and check it out....  Even going so far to mention hey! it's Friday, maybe you should swing on down for a visit. But, deep down, I know he will never go.  I not sure he will even ever admit it to himself.

Are you super sure your wife will not understand?  I mean you know her, but how about another look, and maybe a trip with some carefully pre-scripted your side of the conversation?  Maybe some time spent desensitizing her to first lesbians, and then move on to gays.... and then work your way over to bi.  Who knows.  I finally got my husband to agree that most men are at least a certain amount of bi.  And he agreed, so there was some movement.

Laugh at me if you wanna, but plural marriage would be the ideal living arrangement for bi men. No, not tons of ladies!  lol  No, a bi could marry and girl and a guy. Perfect!  Especially as it seems most ladies seem to have a really low sex drive.  If you are wondering, no my drive seems to be set on 'high' or more true, 'overdrive'!

Any way, keep up the great work... good luck on finding someone to fill your man needs.  And if you want to use my email in your posts, fine fine, just make me up a fun name, 'k?

Lady Gaga :)

****

So, first, why do I think my wife wouldn't be accepting of me being bi. I know my wife..I've said before she's not a "think outside the box" type of person.  She's not a homophobe, but she has no gay, bi or lesbian friends or who she would come in contact with on a daily basis. 

Sex with my wife has never in 15 years ever been other than ordinary..standard, missionary, so to speak.  She's an typical housewife, living the white picket fence life.  She's a doting mother, and a damn great one at that.

I couldn't not see her accepting my sexuality with civility.  She would feel that her "house of cards" life would be tumbling. I don't know how to explain it any other way.  It wouldn't work.

I agree however, that typically, man is not a monogamous being. We're just not wired that way.  Either you're like me, into guys and girls and want both or your a man who wants to be with more than one girl (or guy).  Women are wired that way, and can be perfectly happy with one man for the rest of their long life (which is why, I suppose we men typically die first).

I would encourage Lady Gaga to have her husband read my blog. Maybe leave it on the computer or show it to him.  Use it as a means of discussion if necessary "look what I found interesting."  Maybe he isn't bi.  I wonder what makes her feel he's bi, what clues she's seen.

Is Lady Gaga secretly hoping that her husband brings his new man into the bedroom?  Maybe that's her motivation.   If not I suppose she would be an odd and unique woman who is willing to share her husband and encourage her man to have another person in his life.

I would only wish that was the situation with me.  However, how would that affect my marriage?  I don't know if it would be a positive event or not.  Maybe having my wife say "it's ok, go with that guy, I'll see you later" wouldn't be healthy.  It would take a string marriage, strong people to allow that type of love.

Good luck, Lady Gaga!  Hopefully your husband won't have to walk around with that "Poker Face" for much longer.  Let me know how things work out. 

Be a Fucking Man!

I may raise a few feathers here with this post, or insult some of you REAL MEN out there (oooo! I'm scared!).  I'd hate to categorize gay/bi men, but there are basically 3 types of gay/bi men:

THE FEM MAN:  We all know this guy, he's very effeminate.  He's gay (not that there's anything wrong with it), you know he's gay, I know he's gay, my fucking great-grandmother (may she rest in peace) would know he's gay.  I've met a bunch of these fem guys, do business with them and are friends with some, and yes, have even slept with some.  Sexually, they aren't my type.  Their agenda in bed? They're usually loving, fun, god-damn talkative unless they're sucking cock (and sometimes even IF they're sucking cock).  I suppose there are some that like it rough, but they are usually submissive and willing to do or take anything.

THE REAL MAN: This guy is trying to prove at every moment that even though he sucks dick, takes it up the ass (usually he's the top tho) or fucks another guy, he really is a MAN!  He's rough, he's burly, hairy, big, or none of the above, but very, very aggressive.  Spit on me, cum on me, fuck like there's no tomorrow I AM MAN, HEAR ME ROAR!  RRRRAAARR! His vocabulary includes: "pound", "slam", "bang", "plow" and the like.

Not my type...at all.  I am not into aggressive men, don't like being pushed into doing anything I do not want to do, nor do I want to force you to do something you don't want to do. 

THE MAN'S MAN: I don't need to prove I'm a man, the cock between my legs will prove that.  I'm not gonna be wearing a dress in bed, stockings, garters, no..I'm not a fem man.  But, what I do like, is another guy who loves being with a man.  Holding him, kissing him, the roughness of his stubble, the smell of his body.  I don't mind showing my feelings with someone I like.  There's nothing fem about that.  I can love another man, and be with him without feeling effeminate.  Holding hands, spooning, kissing...all good.  It doesn't make me a girl.  And if I like to push you down on the bed, and suck you off, its not me proving I'm a REAL MAN, it done to shows how much I love you...and need you.

Yes, I "fuck" , but again, not out of aggression. I hope the relationship is mutual, where I am into pleasing you and you are into pleasing me.  There's no force, there's no plowing.  Find me a man, who's masculine, handsome, and loves being with another guy.  Laugh in bed, love me in bed....and I'll be loving you.

Which man are you?

Hair Raising

I remember being young..I guess I wasn't too much different than any other pre-pubescent kid. When am I going to grow some hair? It's the sign of being a man.

As I've matured, that sign on manliness has changed. No longer do I want to be covered in fur. It grosses me out. Maybe its me trying to turn back the clock, or maybe its the hairless models that don the covers of magazines these days, but hair is definitely out.

Being in shape gives me the opportunity of removing my hair and seeing the results of my hard workouts. I mean, if I was fat and gross, I don't think shaving my chest would show anything except more blubber (excuse me while I puke). But, shaving my chest would brings up unwanted questions from my family and friends as to why I'm doing so (yea, I know, some people just don't know when to stop inquiring). I have a neighbor who once said to me as I'm playing basketball with my sons shirtless "so, shaving your chest, huh?" Please! I've NEVER seen him shirtless, wouldn't want to see his fat ass chest, despite his claims of going to gym daily. Yea, right! Kinda rude.

I've come to a decision that there is a safe middle ground. I buzz my chest hair. Very short. I kinda like it..feels good, looks good..shows the definition on my body. I also trim my pubes...buzzed close again and often shave my balls. Ugh, nothing worse than retro-pubes and hairy balls! A real turn off.

I don't really have any back hair to speak of, so that's not an issue. I knew some guys that shaved their arms, and some guy I met got a Brazilian wax (that's removing all hair ALL OVER!) OUCH! Yea, that's not for me. Also think my wife would freak at that point. I also don't get the shaven pits look. I think it looks feminine, and I happen to love the look of a hot guys pits with an appropriate amount of hair. Trim 'em, don't shave em.

I prefer guys who groom..don't necessarily mind a light dusting of chest hair..smooth is better, hairy? Nah, I'll pass. And if you take off your pants and it looks like you've got Osama Bin Laden in a head lock between your legs..I'm outta there!

Update and Q&A

So, this was the week I was supposed to travel with Ross. Obviously, I'm still here. After our talk, he had some work stuff out of town, and I haven't spoken to him. My ultimatum was that he pay me for working for him, so as not to confuse our time together as a sexual one. His silence is acknowledgment enough.

Joe is the invisible man, as I explained. I don't expect him to ever contact me, as that was obviously some kind of cruel Internet hoax.

There are some people online that I've spoken to over a long period of time. One guy had constantly responded to my ads and I never took him up on meeting for one reason or another. This week, I think is the week that we will finally meet face to face. I don't know too much about him, other than what his pics tell me about him. He's cute, thin, lean..we'll see, and I'll definitely let you know.

The search continues. I wonder if this blog is the way to meet people. I think maybe, the readers of this blog know too much about me...more than anyone in the world I suppose. More than my wife, who knows nothing about my bisexual side. More than my ex-boyfriend Ross, who knows about my bisexual side and my straight side, but not probably not my deepest feelings, although I think, at this point, he probably would come closest.

I wonder if someone who reads this has an advantage or disadvantage. Maybe it's a disadvantage that someone know so much about me? Is it better, relationship wise, to have someone know your every thought? Or is it a detriment that someone should know those feelings and thoughts that are held deep inside. I have no idea.

I've thought of something I think can make this blog different than any other blog: Q&A. I'd like people to email me, at bilikeme2@gmail.com. In the subject line put "Q&A" In the email, you can ask a question that I will answer in this blog. It can be personal, political, or anything else you want to know. I obviously have the choice to answer the question, but maybe there is something about me you want to know. This is your chance. It obviously also can be anonymous, just say so in the email. Please don't email me with a list of hundred questions with your answers and views. Anyway, thought this would be a good way to address some of your issues and questions.

I've received lots of responses to my posts, and nice comments and suggestions. Keep reading, some fun stuff coming up!

Therapy

I've found very little to satisfy my inner conflicts in life. I'm bisexual..meaning I live a double life. Its complicated by the fact that my bisexuality is a secret from all of my family and friends.

I've often thought about going to therapy. Maybe talking about it would help. At times, when I'm in that deep dark place, I think if I drive off a cliff my inner torture will be over. Again, I am held in check by knowing my family, more importantly, my kids would be left fatherless. Its the cross I bear every day of my life.

How could things be different? How can I deal with my inner conflict? Well, let's consider the options:

• I could tell my wife and family of my bisexuality: I've considered this. But, I know my wife wouldn't stand for it. She's not exactly "Mrs. Thinks Outside the Box" , if you know what I mean. She would freak, probably leave me, and she'd have every right to. But, again, not the ideal family life I envisioned for my kids.
• I could go through therapy: I have the feeling that a therapist could never resolve my issues unless I was willing to take the next step, coming out. I mean, if I am not willing to resolve the issue, then what good would a therapist be in helping me deal with the guilt of my hidden feelings? I know some of you, through emails that I've received, have benefited greatly from therapy. That's great. For me? I think in this case it doesn't work.
• I could refrain from having sexual liaisons outside my marriage: I've tried..and unless I get castrated, not gonna happen. 'Nuff said?
  
• I could remain secretive in my dealings: I've figured this was the best case scenario. It protects my family from undue stress, and keeps them in tact. If no one finds out, then I am the only one to suffer with my inner beast, and I am willing to take that on.

I can be at the beach with my family, or driving in the neighborhood, seeing a beautiful man that I want to look at. My eyes can divert, but never lock, lest I give the impression that I'm interested.

As a result of my choice to remain secretive, I am in a constant personality upheaval. Some days, I'm great. Relatively calm, pretty content. Other days, I'm downright nasty, unhappy and resentful. Unfortunately, I take it out on some of the people closest to me, although never physically. For the past couple weeks, I can say that this blog has helped me tremendously. Writing my thoughts down releases them from my mind. I seem happier, content. I've even been more productive at work, and lessened my visits to those gay sites I used to frequent.

I do find myself thinking about writing here. At night, I think of other things I want to say, share with you. I hope your noticing the changes in the blog already, from my first day writing. I hope these are welcome changes. I added this globe that shows where people are logging in from. Its amazing, England, Europe, Australia, California...all over the world...a great amount of people are visiting my blog. It seems to be catching on..increasing every time I look at it. It encourages me to keep writing, keep sharing.

Thank you for letting me spill my guts. I hope it helps reading that there is someone in the same situation as you out here. Please, share your thoughts, experiences and feelings. It helps us all!

The Dot Com Comics

What's with these sites online? Basically, there's one site..Craigslist that is infuriating! OK, maybe the bad press has scared you away: scams, robberies, sex for hire, child prostitution, even murders! But worst of all there are the guys that post on there without the intention of meeting!

I've perused the CL listings. Perused? Hmm..actually its a constant habit. It's the only place of its kind (that I know of) that you can find someone supposedly looking for something you're looking for. Trying to find the match is the hard part.

Some guys are looking for sex, plain and simple. OK, CL is an outlet for that. Some guys are into some creepy stuff, and are more than happy posting pictures of that stuff online. I saw an ad of a guy who had assorted fruits and vegetables in his ass. Wasn't pretty!

When I'm looking or placing an ad, I'm hopefully looking for a connection. I'm pretty specific about certain things: my stats, my likes, dislikes and what I'm looking for. I often will include or respond with a body pic, hardly ever with a face pic. I can't be that open. I also hardly ever give out my cell number.

Now, you may remember "Joe" from my post earlier in the week. He responded to an ad I placed. We emailed a bunch of times, he was totally what I was into. Bi, divorced, closeted, athletic, in shape, smooth, cut, and very handsome. He sent me many pics of him ..with his sister, friends, all clothed..no "X" pics. We actually talked on the phone all weekend. Had that phone sex conversation. Made plans to try and meet up during the week. He was into it, I was into it. I gave him my cell #, sent a face pic...He said he wanted to be my boyfriend, move closer to me..(that all was a tad odd).

Well, Joe fucking disappeared! Texted him, no reply. Called him, no answer. Emailed him, and it got bounced back (How does that happen unless someone intentionally sets up an email address to scam someone then deletes the email address).


Now, how does one go from phone sex, wanting to be my boyfriend to mysteriously disappearing? I wonder if he's stuck under something heavy and cant get to his phone. I'm hoping he's crushed under a houseful of bricks!


Guys online fall into one of these categories:

1) Pic collectors: I assume these guys are ugly, old, fat, home bound types, who wouldn't attract a fly if they spread shit on themselves. They sit at their computers posting fake ads, with fake pics, asking for pics in return and then disappearing.

2) Picky guys: Guys who are way to full of themselves to find anyone they are compatible with. OK, I fall into this group sometimes, but I'm not rude enough to lead someone along them not respond. A simple "not interested" will do and is a polite response.

3) Sluts: These are the guys you always see posting, re-posting, and posting again. They want sex, from whoever will give it to them, seem to have no job other than to find sex and are available at any time to have sex.

Now, why someone would go through the charade of liking someone, leading them along all along just to disappear is beyond me. What did Joe get out of our short "relationship"? Good phone sex? I'm sure any 917 number could have provided him with that. Did he get satisfaction on leading me along, building up my hopes then fading away? Did he want to get my pics for his private jerk-off material, or to post on some site of hot married guys?

I imagine there's some website out there, filled with pictures of unsuspecting closeted guys. Kind of like the wall of shame, or America's Most Wanted. I must have a whole page on that site, because it seems like I get every loser who is a pic collector.

Nobody's for real...everything's a scam. Buyer beware.