Back in the game, ugh or Comparison Shopping

I want to first thank everyone for the kind comments and emails. This weekend, looks like my blog took off! Its great seeing people from around the world logging on to my site! Not only that, but basically, every day..the amount of people has doubled from the day before. Thanks everyone and please continue to long on and comment! In the next few days, you'll be involved in an important part of my life..a decision I will need to make within the next week. Log on and check out my blog..DAILY!

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So, after my breakup with Ross, its been hard to find exactly what I'm looking for. You know, or maybe you don't, but the Internet is full of guys constantly looking for a hookup. Most are flakes, either fake profiles, with fake pics, who don't follow up on anything or guys with pie in the sky dreams of what they look like, and what they want. I guess, hmm..I'm the later :)

I've told you my type: A&F guys..younger, tall, lean, smooth, white, great looking, masculine and cut guys. Ya gotta have your own place, and you should be ok with me being married (and older). Anyone else like that type? Right....we all probably do. But, I've been spoiled. After Ross, how can I toil with the regular folk? Its almost a feeling of entitlement. I figure, if I could get Ross, then I'm worth it too. And that's the problem here. I'm always comparison shopping. Nope, not as hot as Ross, nope, not as tall as Ross, nope, not as lean as Ross, not as masculine as Ross. PRICE CHECK!

I did, however, decide that 18 was way too young for me. See? I'm totally reasonable! I'm shooting for older these days..hmm 19? nah..21? hmm..closer. I think someone maybe 28 would be ideal. 30? ok, 32? well, if you look young, but beyond that? I haven't met the guy that peaks my interest at 33, 34. But, you could be out there, who knows.

I'm also interested in a guy that doesn't mind making out, holding hands (discreetly of course, like in a car), touching, and saying I love you. I love all that, but without being, uh effeminate about it. I'm not into what seems to be the thing to do, like guys who are into rough stuff, wrestling, forcing, etc. That seems to be the "masculine" thing to do if your into guys. I prefer a guy who's a guy during the day, and presto-chango, my lover at night. L O V E R..as in loving.

I am after all, a good looking guy. I said before, I don't look my age. I'm in shape, and play sports. I like things that younger guys like, like their music, their clothes, etc. I get along better with a younger guy, because, as I've said, I think its like a high school validation for me. I can now fuck the guys that wouldn't give me the time of day. Not saying I'm into high school guys, I'm just justifying why I like younger guys.

I've met a few guys. Put ads in the usual places. I get the same responses from the same guys. I think I'm being stalked :). It seems like there are only 4 of us looking for the same thing. And they all email me. lol

I don't wanna sound petty, but the few guys I've actually taken beyond an email, and met, have all been nice. Real nice. A&F models? Uh, no. I'm gonna have to come down off my high perch I think. You don't have to be an A&F model, just look like one, resemble one...ok..in the dark, lights low, candle light, with one eye closed...look like you've actually been in an A&F store. OK?

One guy I met, we chatted in the car for about an hour. Very smart. Nice guy..not..uh, not my type though. He was not "A", not "F" he wasn't even an "&". This was a free fall off Kilimanjaro.

Another guy seemed real nice. A foreigner, which I normally don't go for, but you couldn't really tell he had an accent. We had religion in common, which is a good thing. A bit of a bad boy, tattoos, etc. A little too much ink, for my liking, but ok, coming down the mountain. We met one morning. chatted in his car in a very public place. He played some music...and like I said, I like music, usually. He played his dance trance, vance..whatever he calls it..WAY TO FUCKING LOUD! lol ok, ok, slippery slope this mountain...

He was real nice. But, gay. I don't say "but" as in too bad he's gay. I say "but" in this case, because he was, almost, I think obviously gay. You know, like, never picked up a baseball glove gay? Like, big designer Channel sunglasses gay? Like, tight enough "7" jeans that I can tell his religion gay? Yes, that type of gay. But, he was cute. We agreed to talk again.

Immediately, when I got back in my car, I texted him. Meet me in Kohl's parking lot. Who shops at Kohls anyway? Right...quiet. And I didn't want to leave that initial meeting not knowing if there w as some chemistry.

When we got there..we made out a little. We did the ole' I'll show you mine, you show me yours thing (his was nice). I now was overlooking the "way too gay" thing.

For the next few days, I got some emails from him..and one saying he wanted me to fuck him. Very nice, very forward...Since then, nothing. No loss..he was fucking flaming. ;)

So, I'm still shopping.

A Real Love, Part II

So, everything was going well with Ross. We saw each other almost everyday. We definitely kept in touch. I remember times when I would be talking to him via IM him from work..all day. We'd both be hysterical. I'd be crying because I'm laughing so hard. Why can't it always be that way?

I have to tell you, all this is very recent for me. It brings up a lot of emotions still. Ross and I ended our relationship in May. In actuality, I would say it ended in December 2008, because as of that time, I noticed a change. Ross' work exploded, I mean, he got incredibly busy. With work, as all of you employed individuals know, comes stress. As it turns out, it was no longer me trying to find time to see Ross in my busy work and family life, but Ross being unable to break away from a conference call, a meeting or trip. Our morning workouts became less frequent. The afternoon trysts, less available. The IMs, texts and good nights and I love yous were replaced with silence.

The last trip we went on in May, was terrific, for the most part. In the beginning, Ross and I were alone on our trips, but now, because of his success, Ross had other associates along too, although we were the ones secretly sharing a room. Our time alone, was like old times and I mentioned that this is how I love to be. Together, spending time alone. But, it wasn't possible anymore for him and of course, I understood that. But, if I was unable to deal with his time constraints, then it wasn't going to work. I told him, as much as it pains me, I have to give it up then. I said, if you really wanted to see me, you'd make the time. But he said that there just isn't enough time in the day for his work and me and it was too much pressure on him knowing I am out there..waiting for him at the gym, or wanting to see him, or waiting for a call or text for him to deal with.

I know there wasn't another man, woman or animal involved, just so you know. One day, Ross will be famous, rich, and all his hard work will be worth it. Its something he's dreamed about since he was a child. I couldn't stand in the way of that. It stressed him out knowing I was unhappy, which I was.

Since Ross and I broke up, I've had my sad moments. I intentionally keep myself busy, trying not to think about him. He was, and to this day, still is the best relationship I've had with another guy. It was an amazing two years. I wanted it forever. I truly loved him, enjoyed our times together and trusted him with my life.

But I also know that him being so much younger than me had its consequences. He was bound to change, one way or another. If it wasn't work changing for him, it would have been, I donno-- school, or maybe he would move, or maybe he would realize he was into girls more, or wanted to be gay, or come out. I have no idea. But him being so young, he never got to experience everything like I did. Something was bound to get in the way of us being together forever.

Writing this makes me long for his kiss, his hands, his body, to hear his voice, to touch his lips. I often think about him...wish it could be the way it was...want to text him, call him. I won't allow myself to be suckered into it again, not with him anyway. I know, that if I see him, I'll fall again. Its been 3 months now since we've seen each other. We do IM each other briefly online when he's around, and he's not incredibly busy. But it can never be the same.


UPDATE:
So funny thing happened yesterday. I'm driving on the LIE, and who's jalopy do I see next to me but Ross'. His car would stick out in a full JFK parking lot. I honked, waived and we rolled down our windows. As the traffic creeped along (if you know the LIE, you know what I'm talking about) we chatted "How are you?" "I'm ok, how are you?" "Good, good.." "I'll text you" he said as the traffic broke.

Ok thing about texting....it can be the greatest thing in the world. For us, it was almost a way of life. I could be at my son's baseball game, with my wife at the mall, or at work, and I can have a text conversation all day with him. But, it can never, ever, replace the sound of someones voice. At some point, texting was all we had. How are you..I'm good..doing whatever. Fucking call me! Let me hear your voice..let me hear some emotion! Sometimes text jokes don't sound like jokes,. sometimes sarcastic humor sounds mean. Pick up the phone!

RING! Oh god..he's calling! Ross..your calling me? Whats the occasion? He says he figured calling would be better (it was). Yada yada, fine fine, good good, stories to tell about my ball game, his work, my family, his sick grandmother, my car, his car, weather..etc. And yes, the summer has gone quick, and we should make plans to go to dinner...that would be great. OK, yes, lets talk..when you get a chance, not too busy, we can make plans. CLICK.

And that was it. I spoke to Ross. Still miss him, love him, want him. But I promise..as much as I humanly can..that I will not involve myself with him again. I cannot go to dinner and have something happen and have him not be around for the next 3 months. Not with him...no way. I hope I sound convincing...

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AGAIN, I want to encourage you readers to send me your stories. I'll post them here. Let's share our loves and losses..and trials and tribulations. Also, click to the left and keep updated on this blog. THANKS!

A Real Love

My ideal scenario is to find someone in the same situation as me. Married, bisexual, dating a girl, something around there. Interested in being "buddies", friends..I mean real friends. Best friends. Be able to trust each other with everything, even our deepest, darkest secret. Well, about two years ago, again, the Internet brought me a gift. It was tall, lean, dark, model cute, and young. He was the epitome of A&F. Ross was 25 years younger than me. YES! TWENTY-FIVE YEARS YOUNGER! Just in case you didn't hear me. lol

Ross was 18 when I met him, soon to turn 19. We chatted online and he agreed to have me call him the next day. When I did call him, there was no answer. None. Blow off! I thought. Well, after about a two week period, where I am on vacation, I get an email from Ross. What happened? Where are you? I hardly remembered him, but figured out this is the guy that I thought blew me off. As it turned out, Ross overslept that day. We decided to meet.

When Ross pulled up in that parking lot, he looked nothing like the pic he sent me via email. He was even better looking. He obviously was using a fake pic, but even that didn't do him justice. That night, we hung out talking in his car and for the next two years, Ross and I were inseparable. We worked out together daily, chatted though out the day, met after work almost daily, met for dinners or lunches, and talked on the phone and texted each other constantly. He was perfect.

I got peripherally involved in Ross' business. We ended up traveling on "business trips" which were probably some of the best times I've ever had. We laughed, got drunk, had the hottest sex ever, and to this day, I'm thankful for that email he sent wondering what happened to me. Ross and I were truly best friends, with dark secrets. He knew my family, I knew his. Yet, when we were alone, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

I remember once we were in some desolate location in the middle of America. Somewhere no one would know us. We were alone, we were horny and we were in love. We stopped by a restaurant for dinner and drinks, or drinks and dinner, more accurately.

We sat in a booth in the corner of the restaurant. As we got drunker, we got more and more obvious. I couldn't keep my hands off him. Under the table we'd play footsie...or we'd be sitting so close our arms or our legs would be touching. At that point, I couldn't care who saw us, who was looking. We were truly anonymous. It was an amazing feeling. We stumbled back to our room, showered and hit the sheets for another amazing night of making out and sex.

Being with Ross, it was the first time I had ever "longed for" a guy, desired, had to have, anticipated being with. I mean, when I felt so worked up, so horny for him, that I had to have him...kiss him, touch him, smell him, suck him and be with him. I had sucked off guys before and tasted cum before but with some trepidation. With Ross, shit, sometimes I WANTED it in my mouth..and swallow it all. NOW THAT'S LOVE! It was the feeling that I wanted to do anything for him, and the feeling was mutual.

There was the time that I felt that anything included having him fuck me. I wanted it because he wanted it, or so he said. I wanted it because I wanted him to know that I would do anything he desired and what's good for the goose is good for the gooser. I could do that, couldn't I? uh, maybe, maybe not.

We tried..I tried, valiantly I tried, I tell ya! I remember we were on one of our many trips. Our trips were like playing house. We'd shave together in the morning, take showers together morning and night, sleep together in the same bed, and then when we left our room, we were totally about work. We had our way of letting the other know we were thinking about non-work things though-- a wink here, the stare there, a brush up against each other when no one was looking, but no one else knew or suspected.

One evening, after work, we hit the showers, as usual. I love showering with another guy, totally hot in more than one way. Something about sharing the intimacy of an event that is typically alone time. Anyway, we soaped up, I soaped him, and soaped my ass and leaned over. "SHYYITT! FUUUCK!" I screamed as he tried to put his big cock in my ass, I almost fucking knocked him to the ground like a mugger. I fucking saw stars and was holding my ass for dear life. No fucking way your going to try to shove that thing in me again! Don't even think about it! So much for the gooser. I AM NOT A BOTTOM!

But, despite that, Ross and I had a very special relationship. Something I've been searching for, dreaming about for my whole life. Ross and I were in love, we promised each other we'd be there for each other forever. We talked about the future, about having a place, believe it or not. And I for one, believed it all.

More soon :)

Testing...testing....

After my time with Lance, I began my search again for my perfect match. As I perused the Internet, I made friends with someone close to my hometown. We had casual conversations, and one or two intimate meetings. What was most important about our relationship is that he encouraged me to get tested.

Other than with Lance, I had never had sex without being protected. Well, there was that once at the sex party. But that was just a quick one (ugh!). With Lance, I figured we were relatively monogamous, weren't we? I mean, he was the only guy I was with at the time, but was I the only man HE was with? Hard to tell. I began to doubt myself.

My Internet friend told me of a place that had free testing. He told me all about the tests, how they were quick, painless and anonymous. He told me about the office, the people there, everything I could want to know. Believe me, I had lots of questions. He was kind enough to volunteer to come with me. But, I was a big boy...I was going to do it alone.

I called the center. They don't have regular business hours, I guess a sign of the budget constraints of a free clinic of that sort. But, I found a day that I was able to discreetly go before I headed to work. I drove by the center, got there plenty early. I looked around the neighborhood..confident that I wouldn't see anyone I knew, I walked in. It was a quiet office. One other person waiting, a desk with a clip board to sign in, and a basket on the desk with condoms (take one!).

I signed in with a pseudo name, and sat down. When I got called, a nice older lady brought me into an exam room. I told her I was interested in being tested for HIV. She told me the options, and I'm going by memory, so the facts may be wrong, but from what I remember, I could get an oral swab of some sort. This was painless, but relatively inaccurate and also results weren't immediate. The other option was a blood test that obviously required a needle (ech!) but was very accurate and results were immediate (10 minutes). Take your time in choosing, I was told, she has some information she'd like to collect.

She then began asking me questions that she recorded on a sheet of paper in front of her:

• Marital status: Married.

• Have I used drugs, steroids or shared needles or the like? No.

• Have I had other sex partners in the last 10 years? Yes.

• Have I had unprotected anal, or oral sex with men? Yes.

• Have I had unprotected sex with someone who could answer yes to any of the above questions? Yes, I suppose so.

After each question and answer she then gave me some information about the risks associated with such acts, that's some, were less risky and others more risky. She informed me of possible STDs that I could catch, including being exposed to HIV. She encouraged me to use condoms, be protected at all times. It was done professionally, informatively and in a non-judgmental manner.
It was food for thought for sure. Was I being careful in my sexual activities? Probably not, well, not at all. Just because I was with Lance and assumed he was monogamous, doesn't mean he was. I was not only putting myself at risk, but my wife. That was something that I wouldn''t be able to explain.

The nurse at the clinic then asked if I decided which test I was going to take. I told her I wasn't too fond of needles, but she told me it really was the better choice. Plus, I would get results right away. I decided to get poked.

She drew some blood from my finger, placed it in a little device, kind of like what diabetics use, but obviously not the same device. She continued to ask me some questions which she recorded, at all times honoring my request for anonymity. She explained that the questions help her, her office, and the organizations that test and treat patients in the demographics and tendencies of the diseases. As she looked at the blood devise, the devise that held my future health in its hands, she opened her mouth...and said...

"You've got no problem. You're negative." I was relieved. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever have unprotected sex again, unless I was in a committed and monogamous relationship.

You too can go and get tested. Its easy, anonymous and a relief to know your status. Protect yourself, your loved ones and your partners.

http://www.hivtest.org/index.cfm

Picture Perfect, or not: Part II

As luck would have it, my wife and kids decided that they were going away on a holiday weekend and stay away for a few nights. This never happens, and you know I looked forward my time alone with great anticipation.

I spoke with Lance, and we planned a night at his place. This would be my actual first time spending the night with a man in his bed. When I got there on Friday, we hung out a little, took our usual shower together, and had sex. He then cooked me a great dinner, we had some great conversation, cuddled watching a movie on his couch in front of the TV. Again, we headed to bed and had some great sex. Lance was into getting rimmed, and while at that point, I had not really done that a whole lot, I obliged. It was, after all, a means to an end, so to speak. After all, we were both obsessed with cleanliness, and a clean ass is as nice as a clean mouth (or nearly as nice).

Its funny though, when I think about Lance, our times together, the dinners, the sex, the showers, what I really remember most, was watching him sleep that night. He was incredibly cute sleeping there. I was up most of the night stroking his chest, caressing his ass, touching his body. I probably slept an hour that night, but enjoyed every minute of my "insomnia". It was a new experience for me and I loved it. There is nothing like laying next to a man in bed, especially someone you care for.

The next morning, we woke, and I made him breakfast. (Yes! I can cook!) We hung out for most of the day, did our shower/sex thing a few times. I left Saturday afternoon, not wanting to raise any suspicion at home, or miss a phone call. I found myself empty in my house, alone. It was very depressing. I was no longer with Lance, occupied and having fun. My family was gone, no one to talk to, no one to laugh with, just deep, dark quiet. It sent me into a spiral of depression. I have no idea why. More on that at a future date.

Lance and I saw each other for a few months. I really loved him..he had a great personality, was really cute, and we seemed to click. He had a southern way about him (he was from down south). A real sweet person, a gentle man, quiet, thoughtful. He was "slow" but not retarded slow..he was careful with his words, sensitive, really calm. I found his personality rubbed off on me, making me very relaxed in his presence.

Despite our connection though, what was good for me, wasn't necessarily great for him. Lance wanted, and deserved more. He got to see me when I could get away, when my schedule permitted. When I left him, I left him alone, me running back to a busy family life and that wasn't' fair. I couldn't offer what Lance wanted, and though we still keep in touch, we had to end our relationship. It wasn't until more recently, that I would find what I really wanted. My long, hard search for the perfect match was over...or so I thought.

Poll to right

Just added the b&w title bar picture. How do you like it? It kinda depicts my situation I think. Poll on right sidebar. Lemme know!

Picture Perfect, or not

So, I make plans to go to this guys house to take some real professional pictures for posting on the Internet. I find out he is a shorter guy, probably around 5'6", weighs about 150, and is as gay as the the galloping gourmet (if you know who that is I suppose we were born in the same era). I mean, he's masculine and all, just gay.

When I arrive, I am pleased to see who will be photographing me. Super smile, super cute, slim and fun to talk to. Lance started taking some candid shots, which were clothed. After a few apple martinis, we started to take the nudes. It was uncomfortable for me at first, but being around him made me comfortable. He was totally professional. When I mentioned that its not easy being the object of his camera work naked, he obliged and got nude himself.

Let me say first, that a lot matters to me. I already listed my requirements in a guy and types I like. That list probably is abbreviated. But one thing that doesn't matter to me is cock size. I could really care less. I prefer cut cocks...prefer nice looking cocks...but size? It doesn't matter.

Lance, as it turned out had a smallish cock. He was very self conscience about it too. But he needn't be. He was smallish in stature, so his cock size seemed..lets say.. appropriate. Pluse, his beautiful blue eyes, slim yet toned body, and cute fucking ass made up for it. After all, when he's turned over, grabbing his pillow as I pound him, who cares what size his cock is.

That night, Lance and I did nothing more than jerk off and suck each other. But on other nights, he turned out to be a very

hospitable bottom, very cute..and I still hold fondness for him. He shared my obsession for cleanliness, and showering together before, and after sex, was a ritual. To that point in my life, I could probably count on one hand how many guys I've fucked. But Lance and I made up for lost time. I learned to appreciate a good ass and having anal sex, to some extent. I would drop by Lance's on some days, but there was one time I spent with Lance in particular that was a real "ah-ha" moment.

More to come.... ;)

What Dreams are Made of....

So, you know my type..tall, lean, good looking, A&F. Get in line!
I have this fantasy about Michael Phelps...he is so cute! He's just the right amount of muscle, lean and totally hot. And, he can wear a speedo like nobody I know!

You think he's available? Into guys? Ya never know, maybe in one of his drunken stupers (alleged) I'd be able to get him....

You know, he has these secret tattoos below his waist. You can see them if you look close. They're the Olympic rings. Now, which is scarier? That I know about that tattoos or that your nose is pressed against the computer screen?!! lol

I have been recently wearing speedos myself. Usually under board shorts I wear to the beach. They, uh, keep things in order, if you know what I mean. My boys need a home!

But, there are times I wear just speedos when I'm alone at the beach, i.e., without the family. Great tan..makes me feel nice..and I don't mind the looks. :)

Just a quick interlude before I get back to my stories. Tomorrow! I promise!...some good stuff coming up. Some funny, some heart breaking..and it seems like things are changing daily in my life....

I'll keep you up to date. Keep the light on for me!


QUICK NOTE:
I've decided to keep my pics pg rated (or close to it). There are plenty of sites out there that show cocks and sex. Mine is not one of them. I'm not competing with those other sites, although I do frequent them. My site, if you haven't noticed already, isn't about flashy pics and sex. A butt shot here or a provocative pic there...that's ok. I try and match my pictures to the story for the most part, maybe even trying to find a pic that looks like the guy I'm writing about...allowing you to see the movie of my life :). Agreed? Let me know.

thanks for your comments!

I received another email from someone who's enjoying my blog. Definitely helps knowing people are enjoying it. Also nice to know that he's on the other side of the pond and I'm reaching around the world!

"im 22 n loving your blog n love the current pic on your blog (told us to tell you if we like it)

im from england btw

talk soon"

Keep reading guys..I have some great stuff I'm working on coming up in a day or so with more hot pics.

....and click on FOLLOW to your right ----> and keep commenting! I love it!

Your thoughts count!

Just to let you know, I care! I'm enjoying blogging here..and I'm learning more and more--notice some changes since the beginning? I'm including some pics of some hot guys from the web. Do you like these changes? I hope so. Find anything funny? Sad? Have simliar experiences? Let me know!

Also, I'm wondering what I'm going to have to write about after I'm done and brought you up to date. I mean, woke up, went to gym, went to work, went to sleep isn't going to cut it after a while. So, I need YOU to give me YOUR stories, experiences and desires. After all, all of us working together will make this fun to read.

But don't worry...I have few good stories left. Two different stories about two different loves in my life--one very recent. Another story about some scary moments and a wrap up of where I am now..and what I'm looking for. Stay tuned!

Oh, and if you look like the guy on above..drop me a line!

Thanks!

Email me!

So, like I've said, I'm new to this whole blogging thing. Really I am! But I'm a quick learner. I've just posted my email address (click under view complete profile). We'll see how that goes. But, be aware, this is a public email address specifically for this blog. Anything you send me, pictures, stories, etc, potentially can end up on my blog (unless of course you say not to). I won't however, list anyone's name or email address.

I've received a few nice responses, and appreciate the positive feedback. I don't know if my writings are actually being read, and if so, by how many. Again, me being new to this, I have no idea how to track the traffic. I also have no idea how to advertise my blog..so HELP ME OUT! Tell all your online friends and fbuddies, cause if this is just for me, well, I can write it in a book.

If anyone would like, click "follow" or "subscribe" to the right. :)

From a reader:

"so glad u added a link to email you.I found your blog and was bummed i could not figure out a way to contact you.man we could be brothers from a different mother.we have a lot in common and reading your stuff resonates loud for me.I am a 47 year old married guy living in the burbs of long island.like you, I dont look my age, and that's probably a combo of good genes, I take care of my body and I have all my hair, plus I am modesty aside, I have nice eyes, good skin teeth etc that all add up to a handsome mother fucker. I married young (when i was 24) way before I had any real self awareness. I would not say I was in denial about my attraction to other guys, it was just buried so deep. like you i began to slowly explore always carefully and did the massage thing with a happy ending to find some male attention and bonding.my story is a long one but today i am still happily married have 3 great kids and I try to be the best father friend and husband i can be. The stuggle is of course to feel genuine and to be a good friend to myself instead of my own worst enemy. the goal for me is to struggle better, as i believe this will always be a struggle for me. I have realized tho that part of the attraction is not just physical... I want to be admired respected and validated for who I am, all of me. of course that is not easy to achieve when the world around me does not get to see or ever know all of me. finding guys like you and me to lend support, mutual admiration and respect .. to share the other side which privately, is as hot as it is taboo.anyway.. I am glad u found a way to express yourself, and know that there are guys like me out there that want to know, and care and share."

Exactly why I'm writing this blog! Thanks and KEEP READING!

Sex part(ies)

To this point in my life, I had been with various guys and like my time with David, it was mostly jerking off and getting sucked. I had very little experience fucking a guy and never (thank god) had been fucked. I had met guys, mostly on the Internet, sometimes at various "cruising" locations like bathrooms, beaches, and porno shops, book stores. Never have I ever had anal sex with a guy from one of those places. Mostly, it was jerking off, and more than not, it was using my hand. Hope that makes sense. lol I also, started going to masseurs who advertise on the Internet, who provide "release" after the massages. Most of the time, these guys ended up not charging me for their massages, because they liked the "canvas" they were working on. Lucky me!

Well, I guess it was time to expand my experiences. I had corresponded with someone involved with a youngish private underwear/sex party. I was extremely nervous the first time I went. First off, the party was for younger guys, under 30 years of age. I at that point was probably in my mid-thirties. But, I could easily pass for under 30. To this day, I don't look my current mid-40 age.

I ended up going to this party numerous times. Most times, I was a voyeur, just looking at some hot guys, touching guys, and being involved in circle jerks. However, I was, and still am a pretty picky person. I'm not attracted to guys my age, not attracted to out of shape guys, and also prefer guys who are smooth, with cut cocks. Stupid I know.

I think my attraction is based on my high school years. If you read my previous blog entries (and I hope you have), you know that I wasn't Mr. Popular in high school, and in actuality, in elementary school either. That changed, but maybe my attraction to younger guys (however, totally legal aged, of course) is to gain acceptance from these guys that wouldn't even talk to me back then. I was, and still, am attracted to these guys. The typical type? A&F dudes. Love them. More about that in a future post.

Well, at some point, after a few years of going to these parties, maybe I've gone about 10 times, maybe 12 times. I was pretty comfortable. I became friendly with the host, and started to be known as the "straight guy at the party". I can remember one time, where a very hot guy was pursuing me, seemed my type and I ended up fucking him (safely of course). It probably was the only time I fucked a guy I didn't know. It was pretty hot. But still, I was not enamoured with anal sex. I guess, you have to get past the fact that the anus is a vehicle for excrement. That's a hard fact to avoid. :) Its a constant strugfgle for me. Oh yea, I love a hot ass, but you have to be clean, and I have to be in the mood...and the ass has to be hot. (Did I say that yet? lol)

Anyway, I ended up stopping going to the parties. They didn't fit my lifestyle which was pretty healthy, i.e., early to bed, no drinking, safe sex. I also had to account to my wife where I was going on these late nights when I wouldn't come home until about 2am. Very unlike me.

At some point I met "Lance". I met him too on the Internet. He was a photographer and was going to take some pictures of me for posting. Little did I know, that I would fall in love with a man for the first time.

Followers and Comments!

Just want to say that I encourage comments and followers! This is a new blog, and I'm hoping to reach and learn from other people. Even though this is MY blog, I want YOU involved! We can make it a joint blog.

Please..send your comments, stories, experiences, pictures and I will post them, (unless of course you ask me not too). To the left is a pic of a fan of this site. Thanks for your nice comments and continuing to read my blog. Pass my link around so others can enjoy it too.
http://bilikeme2.blogspot.com/

I encourage all of you to SUBSCRIBE TO to the blog by clicking "POSTS" or "ALL COMMENTS" on the right of this post or click "FOLLOW". This will keep you informed of any updates and new postings to my blog.

PLEASE! I don't want to be discouraged in my writings..if I don't see anyone on here..then I feel like I'm just writing for myself!

The Wonder Years

I rationalize my encounters with men while being married as not cheating. RATIONALIZE meaning..yea, of course i know its cheating. But, like the Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds home runs records, its cheating with an asteric. I have never ever cheated on my wife with another woman. I wouldn't even think of it. I have however, had many, many encounters with other men. They offer me something my wife, obviously cannot. Do I get a gold star for this? I doubt so.

However, I cannot possibly live my life without another man in it in a sexual way. I used to get very guilty in my times after being with various men. That guilt has faded away. Now, I hardly think about it. Its a secret I keep..and need to keep from everyone. OK, this is going to sound both ridiculous and scary at the same time...but, I've said before, my kids are what I live for. If it wasn't for them, maybe I wouldn't stay married..I don't know. But, I cannot, will not ruin a fabulous family life for my kids and be selfish. Yes, I am selfishly staying married to my wife out of allegiance to my kids. Its a sacrifice I make, every day, because, honestly, maybe I could be happier with another guy rather than being married. I don't know. But, for my kids sake I am sacrificing my happiness for them. I can go to my grave knowing that I did the right thing, I kept this family together, for them, and if I remain conflicted, unhappy, well, so be it. Like I said, small sacrifice.

OK, unhappiness...yea, I am. I have always been I think. When I was in high school, I wasn't the most popular, by far. I felt out of place, well, because I was different. My parents were lower middle class, and I was in a upper middle class neighborhood. Kids can be horrible if you don't wear Levis or Converse. I did have some great friends though. I still keep in touch with some. Others, I've chatted with for many years after, then, as seems to happen to friends sometimes, we just grew apart. But, I couldn't help but feel, if given a chance, I would do things differently. Well, my time was when I went to college.

When I started college, I decided, hey, nobody knows me, whether I'm cool, rich, poor, hot, athletic, etc. I'm going to do a makeover. I went to college, being who I wanted to be. I became a popular guy. The athlete, the girl magnet. It was always in me, I just was uncomfortable around those other assholes from high school to let it out. They kept it down. Now, things were different. But there lingers inside me this veil of unhappiness. Is it that I want to "come out" and be myself? I don't know. Maybe its just me..I have no idea.


What I want to talk about next is...the two great relationships I've had recently. :) (tease)

Family time

I can't really remember when I was with a man next after David. I'm sure there were a few relatively sane meetings with guys during the next few years. My feelings never really changed about men..or women. I was interested in both but really only acted sexually with women.



During graduate school, I met my wife. I'll leave out the intimate details, but suffice it to say, to this day, she is still as sweet, kind and generous as any woman I've ever met. She's a great wife, mother and friend. We married a few years after graduation and started a family thereafter. We have two great boys who are the reason for my being.



The dichotomy of family life and my bi-sexual side is a strange one. I am totally closeted. Nobody would ever know I'm into guys. I'm masculine, athletic, play sports, had a reputation as a girl-killer (in a good way). However, I'm totally into guys...love being with them, kissing them, touching them and hanging with them. I get a connection with another man that's simply different that with my wife. Its easier, more erotic and fun that with any other person could be.



However, being the baseball coach, father figure, and loving husband makes it difficult to act on these feelings. I suppose there may be alot of fathers in my situation. That is why I am writing this blog.



I also suppose there must be deep rooted reasons why I am attracted to men, beyond the hide and go seek games with my neighbors. I also believe it has consequences on my personality and my happiness with life. Let's explore...

My First REAL time

My first time with a man, as a horny college student happened in my Freshman year. I was working in the school store and was there a few times a week. My supervisor was an Senior, tall, blond, very built and very cute. David used to visit me often..checking up on my work. Soon, I realized his visits weren't purely business-like.

David began the curious courtship buy making comments about cock size, about sex, about girls...He soon moved onto replying to my comments like "blow me" or "fuck you" with "YES" or "right now?" or "ok". It got the point of him daring me to take out my cock..and following up on my comment of "blow me". I obviously said these things after a while, knowing we were leading to a hot place.

Eventually, we would lock the door behind us in the office and drop our pants and jerk off together. He would often blow me. For a first time experience it was pretty hot. It also made me nervous as shit that someone would find out, walk in on us or something. We continued this for a few months. Mostly him servicing me, jo or sucking me. There was never any anal stuff going on and I to that point, never gave a guy oral. That didn't happen for a long time after. We'll eventually get into that story.

I remember the last time I had any interaction with David. It was the end of the year. I was at a party, got totally shit-faced. I also, totally forgot I had work that day. Eventually, I got a call from David. "Where are you? Don't you know you have to work today?" I was so buzzed that I agreed to come down to work to see him. I was so freaked that I made a friend of mine come with me. Unfortunately, it this story doesn't end in a three some of hot, sweaty, college bodies.

When I got to the building where I worked, David was visibly upset. I left my buddy downstairs as he summoned me to his office. Apparently, David had planned an extravagant send off for our last time together. He ordered pizza (ok not so extravagant, but we were college students), beer, etc. I look back now, and realize he had feelings for me beyond purely sex. He planned an intimate dinner for me, and here I was unappreciative. I was just nervous that he'd blow my cover. I left there with him upset..and me insisting I had to go. It was a bad way to leave someone who cared about you. But it was not in my abilities, relationship wise, to appreciate what was going on. I left, and never heard from him again.

I wonder what happened to "Dave". I feel bad that I treated him that way. But, I was a nervous closeted college student. Too immature to understand my feelings. All I can say is sorry Dave and thank you.

About me

Here we go..here's some more detailed information about me. I'm a very young looking mid-40's guy. Most people think I'm in my 30's and can easily pass for that. I went to college on the east coast as well as graduate school (a smarty!). In school, I was a slut (not much has changed jjk :) ) I was known to be the guy most likely to bed down the girl. I had numerous nickname associated with my sexual proclivity, which I won't reveal, so as to remain anonymous. However, suffice it to say that I have slept with my share of women, both beautiful and not so beautiful (hey, we all get drunk don't we?)

My earliest recognition of guys was probably in my early years. When I was 6 or 7, I remember having a neighbor who was my age that we used to go into his shed and play I show you, you show me. I guess the fact that I remember that from such a young age means that it was an important act. Maybe this is the beginning of my bisexual side. Kind of kicks the asses of the "learned" proponents out there that say homosexuality is a choice. I mean, at 6, I wasn't pre-disposed to sexuality. It was something I was interested in, and something that remained an interest until this day.

As far as I can remember, in my teenage years, I also had a neighbor who used to take out his dick and show me it. I don't believe any touching was involved. All this action makes you want to be my neighbor, no? Won't you be mine? (for those of you who don't recognize this reference, your probably too young to remember Mister Rodgers) I also had a friend in high school who I assume was straight, but we engaged in lets say, touching. He would stick his hand down my pants, and I down his. It was quick, unfulfilling, but at the time, quite exciting. I remember jerking off to pictures of guys...in underwear catalogs, or in Playboy or Penthouse. I remember I had a few select issues that had guys in them, as supporting characters. They were showing bare asses, or side cock pics. Back then, that was sufficient for jerk-off material.

My first real experience? It was hot....

Welcome

Hey all!

This is my first post to my new blog. I'm new at this blogging thing, and probably will have some issues to work out. Help me out and give me some tips if you'd like. Otherwise, follow this blog to see it take off!

Ok, so first the introductions and guidelines here:

I am a masculine, white guy living in a suburb of New York. I am a young married dad of two, living, working and playing in New York. I'm very active: workout, bike, play sports, etc. I like to try and do something every day. So, I work out 5 times a week, bike and play sports on weekends. I try and eat good food, can't remember the last time I had McDonalds, etc., and people tell me I look much younger than my actual age. You'll find out more about me, my life (although I will keep this very discreet to protect my anonymity) my family, and my love life both with women and men on my blog. Some of it may be pretty revealing, odd, funny, heart-wrenching, but I hope at all times entertaining.

I hope to gain readers like me, who are closeted and living a double life. It isn't easy. Maybe support from my fellow BI guys will help me and in turn help you. I encourage your comments and pictures (YES! There will be pictures) and at all times will uphold your request for discretion.